Monday, October 25, 2004

rough update

crap. tomoro I've got my first day of work attachment and I'm definitely not looking forward to it, for so many reasons, one of which is that I gotta wake up at like 6.30 tmr jus to get there on time...and of all jobs that a mass commer can get, I just had to get PR. wow, I'm like so blown away. they so read my mind...not! contrary to popular belief, public relations is not all about meeting people: there's a whole lot of planning and strategising going on behind the scenes.

moan. and rite now I'm so in a rush to get this done quick so I can spend more time on prayer time than I've been doing these days and so I can try to get some sleep after that, so fortunately or unfortunately I'm in no blooming mood to cook up some mystical poem that defies understanding.

all I'll say is, boredom is a bad thing if you've got a lack of purpose...and it gives you a whole lot of time to reflect on life and think about the things you've done or are not doing but you should. for two weeks until this Friday I've been beating myself up over not doing something, and I've been blaming myself for being such a bad Christian for the duration of this thing I'm thinking about.

I mean, when I sat down and reflected (since the break week), I realised I've been such a big hypocrite, especially in one major area. so i turned to god...but I got impatient, after only feeling His help for like, only one day? so I got sick of waiting and this whole week I've been trying to find an imitation for the stuff Up There in worldly thing...note I said trying. I've been running away from my problems and have been trying but failing to immerse myself in my old loves.

and this week I just found that there is no joy without god. I saw like practically every movie worth watching in s'pore n jb cinemas, and 'white chicks' was the only one that even had a close shot at cheering me up...or keeping me happy for like, a while. I went to my old haunts of bookstores and libraries here and across the causeway....and I found I had lost my interest in the books I used to read...somehow they just seemed so shallow to me and so...unrealistic in their portrayals of life. happy endings and such...bah. just like the movies, they felt like a whole loada crap.

I tried bowling...it got me occupied for awhile, but it ate up some of my money and it was only temporary "okayness" and on Friday I was about to break when god provided me what he provided jonah when jonah ran away and was feeling hot n dehydrated n suicidal in some horrible desert: shade. yeah, he made a tree grow over me and give me shade.

and since the time I rested under the shade, I've been making steps forward, albeit rather small, instead of big leaps. but going forward's better than backward, or nothing. I don't really know if I'll move backwards tomoro, or some other day, but I'm taking it one day at a time. and I have definitely found comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one who's "left behind" cos I found two ppl, including my aunt from abroad who is like 30 plus, who are in the same boat as me.

what she said relly opened my eyes...and it showed me that ppl as old as that can still be struggling with this problem, so it's best I tackle it now while I'm still young, while I'm stronger. the first thing she said, which I believe was a word from the Spirit, was that she was glad I was aware of this mistake now...and that it took her so many years to realise it...and now she's struggling with it too.

she didn't come back from oz for like 5 plus yrs, my fave aunt..was glad to noe she accepted christ this june...cos it's making her address important issues in her life, and it gives us a bond we never had before.

I only had 4 hours' sleep jus so I could get up early and see her before she and my uncle left jb...but it was worth it. I had to buy my stupid office sandals (to complete the "office wear" look, which imo sucks cos I see so many of these female clones everywhere I go, and if you know me you'll know I hate being a clone) after that and I had church so it was a miracle I didn't sleep during the sermon. the only thing that kept me awake was the words the speaker kept saying. what he said was totally relevant to what I went through. (oh yeah, and maybe cos the sermon ended earlier today too.)