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read between the lines
merdeka! i'm dead tired but i just had to post something up because of the significance of the date.so i have. it really is a reason to go "merdeka! merdeka! merdeka!" like the great tunku said on all counts. more on that later. and this part is mainly for my own reference: no celebrations on my part this year. a bit strange considering i usually make it a point to celebrate our nation's independence in my own little way, whether it's putting out the ubiquitous little flag you find at all kedai runcits (sundry shops), or standing near a crowd of celebratory party people in the moments leading to countdown. one good thing (or not) about my country is you can always have fireworks or firecrackers blasting away in your neighbourhood in plain sight and sound for you to see and hear. these things are supposedly banned nationwide yet it doesn't take much searching to find and buy them. quite a number went off after midnight tonight so i was able to hear them from my backyard. didn't see nothing, though cos the fireworks were quite a distance away. firecrackers, on the other hand, were a few houses down the road. anyway, good thing they've stopped now. while it's cool and all to see and hear these displays in your own backyard, it's not when people have to sleep. yawn. and off i go. you've left me wanting --imported from LiveJournal (since closed)--when i am choked up in my sorrows, tears and fears, i have to look to god and just trust in what i should be trusting in. this is new, this leap of faith for me. i know if god will bring me out of this, or else he wouldn't have put me in this situation at all. i guess he feels it's time for me to put my words into actions. to have faith and to be resilient regardless of the short-sighted hopelessness of the situation. and i don't want to give up on him, i don't want to give up only to find out there was a pot of gold right at the end after all, even though this ain't no rainbow. maybe this is how it has to be, in order for me to draw closer to him. i've always wanted a more consistently intimate relationship with him, even more so as of late. i want to know how it feels like to be deeply loved by him as a father. sure, i have had those moments where i could just die in his arms, and just not care about the world anymore, but those moments are rare and lacking. perhaps this is his way of exposing me to the depth of his love, though i know we'll never fully know it until we die. i am on a search for you, lord, i do want to seek you with all my heart, i really do, inspite of my weaknesses. even more so in my weaknesses. i realised being "okay" with you is not a state of mind where i'm doing all the right things and having the right focus and stuff, but rather to be "okay" with you is to be willing to admit, in my weaknesses, my wretched infirmities which i would so gladly like to get rid of, that i need you and i can't do this on my own. i can't focus on you on my own. i can't stop condemning myself on my own. i can't have undying faith and trust in your promises on my own. i can't do anything on my own accord. and i realise i don't have the answers, and never will, because they never have lied, or will lie, in me. how could i possibly try to reach out to you on my own if you don't reach out to me first? i don't mean this as an angry question, what i mean is there's no way i can get closer to you on my own. i'll always fall short. i guess patience is the key. and quiet trust. "illustrate loss yet display faith, hope and love prepare me for the changes to come..." -- Man on the Moon, the Straw Theory p.s. while this situation is left in the lurch, another shows hope and blossoms. thank you for your miracles. you give them to me when i least expect them, when i feel like i don't even deserve anything because i just don't, not when i'm expecting them and asking for more while not being satisfied with what i already have. prior to today i used to feel guilty everytime i got aware of the fact that it always takes a humbled me to remember that your grace has never been deserved, but i am starting to see that this is how you cultivate gratefulness within me. |
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