Saturday, December 17, 2022

uncountable-accomplishment milestone

hm. interestingly enough, i only remembered this date exactly a week later. i was lying on my back in bed, strangely lucid (as in, not sleepy) despite it being 6.30am (and thankfully still-dark because of the rain...it was a rare 25°C as a result) as i was talking to god over communion-time, just before bed. i was thanking Him for being the solid Rock on which i stand, and which also made me just as solid (like how jesus did, and said so, for peter in matthew 16:18), despite er, some asshole tryna pressure me into settling for less, regarding sth related to my hit-and-run, as well as my mother agreeing with that asshole when i told her what he'd said.

at least she's stopped getting on my case now...it's always like that in my life, from what i've noticed: she always, always wants to control how i live my life, from the clothes i wear (already twice this mth, she's bought me t-shirts i don't even want to wear, including one i'm reluctantly wearing atm), to the food i eat (she still expects me to pay my own way, even though i have always treated the family, as my eldest-child, filial-piety shit of stuck-here-with-them-so-might-as-well-do-my-duty obligation), and even down to...well, this hit-and-run-related thing. thank god i have the final say in the decision (and thank god she's stopped tryna make me do sth i know, in my heart and bones, to be the wrong thing).

spking of which, that asshole tried to use (his version of legalistic) christianity against me. and when i firmly-but-politely put forth my grace-based interpretation of what i believed god was telling me (regarding this decision), i was appalled that...he kept trying to discredit what i was believing and putting me down. and when he found that he couldn't put forth a counter-argument to my own belief system, he tried trying to put down (as in, paint a negative-outcome scenario) other aspects of...my decision.

which continued to trouble me, even though i'd only had my most-recent conversation with him on monday morning (and wouldn't have to deal with him again till at-least-next-yr), right up till yesterday (technically thursday, but i still count now as 'friday' coz i haven't slept yet) morning. thankfully, god kept reminding me (like what one of my post-acct occupational therapists taught me, in dealing with my mother while living with a-lot-worse-back-then ptsd) to look past his words, and look at the intention/ motive he had. 

however, the difference between my mother (in occupational therapists' context) and this er, asshole (i don't think i can quite give him any other title yet, since i don't have the liberty to do so), is that: my mother usually often intends the best for me, though the words she says are...typical conservative-chinese critical, reverse-psychology type-a threats. 

but, in contrast, monday's asshole intends the best for himself, not me. thank god for giving me the wisdom to soon see that...he kinda gave himself away, last i spoke to him in july, about my hit-and-run but about another related-to-but-not-directly issue. so basically, he has a personal interest and stake in wanting to make me settle for less (because he wants to play safe). 

whereas i, on the other hand, have already lost everything (no worries, god is slowly restoring and regaining some, and i believe i'll see my full restoration for all-i've-lost-from-my-accdt soon, i.e. before-i-die). and since i have nothing left to lose (after having lost everything in the first place), i'd rather gun for it all the way, more so with god telling me to, in so many verses, and for almost every time that i've flipped through bible pages for answers regarding this matter.

and so, it made sense in that perspective, that: whatever i said, even when i put forth my own, once-in-a-lifetime, now-or-never, i-didn't-have-another-chance-at-life-just-to-regret-settling-for-less-again thoughts about the matter, that he'd try to shoot down, disbelief and discredit it to the point that it was...i mean, i just couldn't believe, that someone so old, who's been repeatedly failing me since my parents and i first met him in may 2015, could be so...stupid blind.

and then i felt like god kept telling me: maybe he'll only see once i stand my ground on this, and see this decision through to fruition (which could be as early as the end of feb next yr, or as late as...whatever-the-timing god has set for the end of this living nightmare). this thought eventually gave me the putting-to-bed peace i needed, in order to carry on with my life, and go about with handling my unchanged-and-worse-at-times living situation as it is. which is why i am writing atm:

tonight happens to be the only night my parents are outta this house, and i get the entire living space to myself, in literal peace and quiet. and this is largely thanks to my brother returning (since mid-last mth) from overseas with his wife, and then heading over to his wife's country in a few days, by way of driving up to kl, and then taking a flight to her area. it's just that they're all leaving early for kl today because, conveniently, my dad's sis' younger son, is having (or should i say, had, since it's 1.26am now) his and his wife's dinner banquet tonight over there. 

both of them (my brother&wife, and my cousin&wife) are having these wedding-related occasions belatedly, due to the delays of covid and worldwide lockdowns. (my brother had a similar, with-different-people-at-different-locations, more informal wedding-related dinner, as well as whatever tradition-related visits/ tea-ceremony crap both for both here and kl's relatives.)

this late-morning to tomorrow's late-afternoon is also the only time that both my parents have been outta this hse the longest, for the purposes of relaxation. the last time they were out, but obvs not for relaxation, was the time after my accident (when i was in the ICU). 

(and...thankfully, still don't remember a thing of my traumatic-to-hear-when-i-got-my-mother-to-relay-it-in-detail-back-to-me stay. it was traumatic even just hearing a 2nd-hand account, because of the terrible, no-peace-at-all treatment i'd received from my overly worried mother, her annoying-and-uninvited-by-me friends, and...the shit the nurses did, just because this bitch failed [as usual] to find the right words to calm me down, to the point i had to be tied to my hospital bed. the video of the aftermath didn't help either. i was very angry to know of this, long after i was sentient-again and my memory was finally mostly-back, when i was taking notes after getting my mother to relay all of this shit-and-more to me in 2016, while her memory of these days was still a lot more fresh in her mind.)

so it's good for them as it is for me (as in, good for both of us to be apart, and for them to be outta the hse instead of staying in this increasingly item-hoarded house), because it gives both of us some literal peace and quiet. it's also interesting for me to note that, once all the other occupants left this hse, i ultimately decided not to drive out after all.

i might do so 'tomorrow' (as in) before they get back, will see. but at least i am less stressed out, when i see my (again, another meaning that's literal) getaway car parked outside these gates, as opposed to in. (thankfully, the car-parts thief from mid-jan of this yr doesn't seem to've yet returned, so i don't need to get unfairly stressed-out-and-guilty over not-being-able-to-prevent another parts-related petty theft from occurring again.)

i guess it makes sense too, given that, all my life, all i ever wanted was a (literally) quiet, peaceful place to stay. and so, if the place-of-abode itself (whether it was a hotel room or a place i was renting in sg) was quiet and peaceful, there'd be no reason for me to leave.

(here's a song i've listened to earlier in the year, that best describes what i'll next write, to break up the text. i see no point in embedding a song or pic for the text above, which is just plain distracting-from-god...and defeats the whole purpose of what we were all created for, anyway.)

whoa. what a mouthful. i figured i might as well blog tonight (or at least 1 more time before 2022 ended), and take advantage of this human-free quietness, while i could. and, back to the start of this post (as well as its very title): i realised that, though my circumstances haven't changed at all*, my outlook finally has.

*in fact, they've gotten a lot worse, especially my living situation and freedom, to even be allowed to drive out for a simple dinner-and-a-read (as in, to get lost in the pages of a book) for 2-3hrs max, a mere once a week. i mean, i was going crazy at times, with getting locked up in the hse for nearly 6mths of this yr. if not for my birthday, i don't even know when i'd be allowed out, or even be given something as fucking basic as cheap-pocket-$ for food-and-drink, to go with it. 

(yeah, i'm not allowed to work, get questioned whenever i decide to sporadically put-to-use my unsustainable sources of income, and yet i'm expected to eat air or fork out my own $, on the rare, after-so-much-arguing times that i finally get to drive myself out, without parental interference, for a few measly hrs every god-knows-when times, these days. and the source of all this nagging and questioning is, of course, my more febrile parent.)

i am finally more hopeful, and by proxy, more peaceful (or should i say, the other way round), by this time of the year. which is a relief because i was getting worried it was going to be another wasted year of my life down the drain. at least i can't say that now, because my inside is finally changing.

i mean, i did often hear the pastor (in my previous post's clip) say that most ppl's outsides (i.e. circumstances) tend to change after their insides (i.e. perspectives) do, but...i knew already that i could not do it on my own, had been praying and declaring and so on, seemingly in vain, and...was thinking it'd take many years for this to happen. 

so i am super thankful that...this has happened within the space of a few months. what's also helped is that i'm not going through this 'alone' (as in, alone on the besides-God-and-his-army-of-angels-and-whatever-dead-ppl-from-my-family-i'd-rather-avoid-in-heaven side). . .at least not indirectly so. but, once again (as with almost every blog post that's been after my accident), i can't publicly say more atm. so i'll have to leave it at that. (or leave it at the post i last mentioned 'leav[ing] it at that', rather. which happens to be the same post this blog post's titled after, and the first one i'd linked to, at the start of this post.)

i think this'll do, for now, as the final post on here for this year. can't wait to start writing more again (which depends on whenever-it-is-i'm-finally-free-to). but i might just have to do it in on a brand new site. depends, will see. to my future self reading this: congrats, you made it to this age last month. and it wasn't as shitty as...god, as it was starting to turn out to be. so keep living, because...why kill yourself when the end is about to come anyway. 

and why finish yourself off before your work here was even done yet. reminds me of this part of a clip i'd finally cleaned up the personal clip-recording of – was recording that and the few mins before that, back when it was 'live' 2 yrs ago:

(note: unlike my link, the embed below won't allow me to skip to the part itself, which is at 10:01.)