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read between the lines
your nags won't bring me down i just wanted to highlight some stinging words my mother gave during a rare quarrel last night, when i let her speak too far (usually, i never let her get that far; i just leave the room and drive off now that i have a car, but last night i was too lazy...oh well).i was asked to leave my job (not because of performance...nope, i topped that over the moon, even in my review...it was a politically-motivated, forced resignation) last month, and, before then, when it looked like i had to go, the reason i stayed so long was not because i was afraid of remaining jobless, hell no, it was because i was afraid of the wrath of this furious, negative, nag known as my mother. in fact, i actually confided in my dad first about the situation, and told him instead to break the news to her. understandably, she has held back most of the vitriol i usually get, and wisely, i've resolved to keep her as much in the dark as possible about my ongoing art projects (except, i can't seem to lie whenever she gets suspicious once in a while and asks me where i went...yeah. i stay in and sleep all day and she complains, and i wake up super early to go for art appointments and she complains. i can never win with her). but last night, things blew up. she started nagging me about getting a job again and i just lost it, because for the umpteenth time since i resigned, i already fucking told her to lay off the nagging till next year 'coz i wanted a breather and, while i would still be on the radar re: upcoming jobs, i would instead be actively pursuing my artistic interests. we finally stopped arguing after she went into the whole, i'll stop but i can't wait to say i told you so on january 1st, tangent. whatever, mrs childish, it works for me. but in between, she did exchange the nastiest shit...and me being me, i only recalled these things when i woke up today, and right now before bedtime (when i'm supposed to be working on another project). when i asked her to stop worrying about my life and go mind her own business, she said she worried i would still be a burden to her in her old age. and of course she refused to believe that i wouldn't be. and when i said she should at least be grateful i wasn't handicapped or dying or dead 'coz that would be a burden and not this, she just ignored that fact and went on some other tangent. i repeated that fact to her again and she just pretended she wasn't listening. i mean, i nearly fucking killed myself because i was being driven mad and to despair two years ago when she first started opposing all the charity work i've been doing, and she doesn't even fucking realize how close she was to losing me. even in the past at the start of this blog, when i was chronically depressed enough to seriously contemplate suicide, i can still recall the time when i was more petrified of that bitch than i was now, and i asked nicely if we could go to family counselling and she called me mad and said there's nothing wrong with us, there's only something wrong with me. and she flat out denied all the wrongs she'd done, even though i said i forgave her for it (i did back then, but i'm not sure i do now), and kept piling on the cutting and hurtful words on a terrified younger me. i never broached the subject again, because i can totally see how it would go already in my mind. "mom, i feel like killing myself." scold, berate, blame, nag at me...and then probably lock me up like a fucking prisoner, which is what she tried to do at the end of last year when i finally got a car and found a way out of norma bates' apron strings. and speaking of hurtful words, she called out my soft side again yesterday, as if showing any sign of weakness is wrong. said i couldn't handle anything, so that's why i can't hold down a job, and even said i was afraid of a little water on my toe (the poodle had bit my big toe that afternoon when i tried to get him out of the house after he ran in during a bout of thunder, and so with 7 puncture wounds and some blood, i decided to forgo bathing till the next day until scabs had time to form). this pooh-poohing of femininity or getting emotional has always irritated the fuck out of me since childhood. cry as a child, and get called a crybaby or softy for it days later during another non-related argument. i got the worst wallops by my dad, and i was often forced to wipe those tears away or cry later in private, like as though tearing up is a shameful secret to be scoffed at (fuck you, parents). another thing she has often shamed me for is making mistakes. this time round, she said i "botched up my last job". which is so fucking untrue (it involved my first trip to somewhere overseas)...i did not botch it up, i went despite the things that were wrong with it, and i came back with the job already done. in fact, it was that bitch that was actually fretting that week, she kept on saying she didn't me to go on such short notice on my own like that, and i kept trying to explain to her that it was part of my job and i couldn't just not go. she also started saying my artistic pursuits would never amount to anything (but that well of venom dried up pretty soon 'coz thank god, i didn't give her much info to go on this time). and i told her to stop trying to live her failed life through me, but to just live it herself instead. of course she was in denial about it. anyway, the good thing is, quarrels like these don't happen so often now (seriously, thank god for jul :) ...that's what my car was christened, since i met someone named so on that day and since i got jul on, well, the eve of jul!). i just thought it would be vital to record this moment in time to remember that, 1) my mom will never be proud of me, so i should stop trying or bothering to win her approval (i would imagine that even when i've made and i'm earning my millions through whatever artistic endeavor i'm into atm, she'll still probably be asking me to "get a real job" because nothing artsy is ever legit for her) 2) the buck stops here, and i am not going to let her words drag me down and ruin my life any more, nor let her curse of negativity spread any further down my family tree line (i don't care if i get an adopted kid in the future which will most likely be the case; afaik, attitudes like these are contagious even in non-biological families) i truly believe i have a spectacular future ahead of me, and God is not going to let anything thwart it from happening. |
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