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read between the lines
climbing back up there was a way out, re: my last post. but it was stressful (not so much the events, more so my insanely pessimistic mother) to the point where i actually had a headache so bad that i couldn't even eat for a full day (it didn't help either that my macbook air died shortly after my last post and i was forced to use the desktop in the living room, which made me a sitting duck for my mother's unkind words). after i got better, the holidays had come and i kind of gave up on the project after that.
fast-forward to now, where i've just ended four weeks into school with two months left to go. the first two weeks of school threw me into a shitload of pressure -- to meet new project milestones involving more out-of-pocket expenses in an already money-stretched situation (my lecturer was unsympathetic -- he said those milestones could not be changed and had to be met in order to graduate), to figure out how i can possibly avoid returning to the corporate rat race i was stuck in (before two years of school came along as a great excuse to bide my time) and yet have the moolah to move out (now that my best friends, the canines, are dead, there is no more reason to stay).
anyway, long story short, i got really demotivated, project-wise, because my mother's taunts changed from you'll never make it to you're not good enough. and i guess she succeeded (until now, that is)...i had the misfortune of trying to get my macbook repaired the unofficial way (saw a number in the shopping complex near my school, phoned it and brought my mac over) because a month later, i finally wrestled my mac back only to find it even more internally damaged than before.
'uninspired' was the word that came to mind -- up until the end of last week (the third week), i still hadn't gotten my act together and was barely surviving in school (just doing the minimum requirements and letting future homework pile up). an old kindergarten friend who recently resumed contact with me started playing up my paranoia of the unknown future -- she said the longest she'd give herself was two years to get out of here (she'd temporarily returned from overseas and had a significant other there) because she was already _ years old and didn't want to be stuck in this nowheresville of a town here. (i think she forgot we're the same age, made me feel like my time was running out.)
emails went unanswered, internship applications went unwritten (they still are). i didn't feel sad, i just felt...like i couldn't face the future, and like if i somehow ceased to work, it would be as if time could freeze and wait for me somehow (which it didn't, obviously). i asked god for help while foolishly trying to will myself into action but it never happened. until one weekend, where i just randomly picked up my half-read cloud atlas on the shelf (my keyboard, actually, which was on the armchair -- both items which got neglected ever since i started to despair) and went to a nearby quiet, wallet-friendly diner to just enjoy two hours of reading. 
those two hours ended up becoming my catalyst for change. after all those months of brain fog and distractions of the electronic (device) kind, my mind was surprisingly clear and focused when i immersed myself in that book (i kept visualizing characters from the movie, since it recently opened across the causeway -- it finally opened here on thursday, which means i can afford to watch it more often now). i'd somehow forgotten how much i enjoyed reading, probably because unlike electronic media, the 'high' gained from reading takes quite a while to kick in.
since then, i've been spending most dinners at the diner with my trusty novel, which has given me the unlikely ability to not only feel the thrill of escapism but to also use that thrill to inspire my life again (and therefore motivate me to do whatever work i have to do). i didn't feel this with movies or music -- they made me want to run away from real life even more, instead of spurring me to action.
i'm not totally out of the woods yet, because i still haven't done my work (mostly online stuff -- think it has to do with the thought of my annoying mother putting me down again once i start using the hallway computer), but i'm getting stronger by the minute. and at least i know what to do now if my mind starts getting hazy again.
(prior to that eureka moment, i'd acknowledged my own helplessness and told god if He was really supposed to be the only one that could change me, then He ought to do it instead of me and my futile efforts. thank god He finally came to my rescue.)
i originally wanted to write about a movie i'd recently seen that impacted me greatly, but i ended up filling in all this backstory that i think i'll just start on a new post. |
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