deconstructing jessica

read between the lines

there have been moments of the kind of joy that just bubbles to the surface, like the whole excitement about returning to my alma mater (new buildings and facilities have taken shape next to the old ones i used to frequent) and simple things like just looking out the train window, seeing people not at work and gladly that i now belong to their club too. not that working wasn't beneficial, but my last few months there in it were definitely emotionally and physically draining. and i guess the overall joy of waking up every day and knowing that i'm living one step closer to my dream (at least for now, 'cause where i'm currently at in life isn't a backtrack or a detour any more from where i really want to be).

that and stroking the cream-orange fur of my bear as he rests his chin on my palm, knowing that he loves me and i love him too, and being super thankful that he and his brother are still there for me through good times and bad, fourteen years on and counting (and they shall live to be at least twenty while still in great health, amen!).

but there are also haunting moments of sadness reminding me of my past that still grip me. the first day of school was a prime example of my past coming back to haunt me -- i was overwhelmed with all the feelings of shyness, loneliness, isolation and despair that i'd felt years ago as i was walking through a particular section of the area. it was at that point (after realising that the situation was still the same -- there wasn't going to be anyone giving me a leg up) that i had to get a grip on myself and be aware of the fact that the feelings might be a piece of my memory, but who i am right now is no longer the person i was before.

it's still taking a while for me to remember this fact especially in front of schoolmates and lecturers, but at least i get it right when on my own (no more feeling bored, useless and depressed if i'm left to myself on school grounds any more). the sadness also rises to the surface during sermons preaching acceptance and love, i find, and i seem to get particularly defensive whenever close friends try to throw a kind word in my direction (didn't take me long to figure out that i was rejecting all that because i knew that the minute i accepted those words, tears would fall out of my eyes, the way they very nearly do in sermons -- i ironically find myself asking god for the strength not to cry during sermons :p).

the fact that i'm a lost sheep in terms of belonging to a congregational home bothers me too, but i was greatly encouraged a fortnight ago when i visited a spirit-filled, strong woman of god (who'd undergone and was still going through many trials) who hadn't gotten the chance to go to church in one and a half years even though she really wanted to. i mean, she spoke as if she'd just attended sunday service the week before, not like someone who'd lost the passion god usually imparts to regular and serious-about-it churchgoers.

i mean, i've gained too much sleep (as opposed to lost sleep -- for many weekends it just felt like real life was a bad dream i needed to keep sleeping away from), had two nightmares (the last nightmare i've ever had was when i was still in high school) or lucid dreams, rather, since i was able to change the horrible ending (in one, i died during an earthquake but it turns out i had only fainted in the arms of friends, and in another, i was living with an ex-colleague in a haunted house and we were getting freaked out by the cold temperature and lights going on and off, but the one thing that woke me up from that dream was me declaring that whatever was bugging was going to leave us alone IN JESUS' NAME) and cried during private moments in the night but, nearly a month later, i'm becoming aware that it is only a matter of time before god irons things out and till then, i'm not going to lose my faith nor passion for Him -- thanks to taking back sunday for reminding me in their latest single, faith (when i let you down).

it should be a simple request: a church in which i feel like i finally belong (where i have genuine friends in similar stages of life who'll stand up for me and where i experience minimal hurt, judgement, intimidation or rejection), which doesn't incur high travelling costs (since i no longer have incoming income) or requirements that i don't agree with. but it isn't, and i don't know if it's because i'll never feel like i belong or feel close to anybody for long for the rest of my life on this earth or because god's taking his time to reveal such a church to me.

i mean i agree with the friend who reminded me that the church will never be perfect and that's a fact we'll have to accept, but…i'm just so sick and tired of being stepped upon like a cockroach by people in church who have the upper hand simply because they're more assertive, tactless and conservative. and i don't want to have to attend cell groups where almost everyone is so considerably older than me, has a spouse and is expecting or already has kids, no matter how nice they are, because that's just not where i am or hope to be at in life right now.

surely there is such a church for me in this part of the world? will find out eventually i guess.