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read between the lines
re:beagle died 2wks ago 12.16am. cool...this is the first time i've ever blogged from a mobile device (a cheap tablet). it started raining heavily almost 10mins ago, & it's making me sleepy in bed & lazy to...finish such an upsetting real-life story, in incomplete but still great detail. so i won't finish it tonight. i'm not sure when i will either, except to at least conclude with a summary of the inevitable: 12.30am-ish on monday (technically 20feb tues coz past midnight) was the last time i'd gone over to check on&spk to him, & saw him alive. i heard him gurgling-&-choking again around 1am (or maybe 1.30am), but i ignored it coz: (i) i wanted to finish compiling&whatsapp-writing my uncaring family abt what i'd googled abt beagle's blood test results & meds (that he never lived to take), & (ii) i'd been hearing & attending to that sound all of the previous night-till-late-morning. so i'd stupidly thought, if it was gonna be a regular, long-term thing, i'd better pace myself & not check on beagle every time i hear that sound. as a result, he died alone in the dark. when i next checked on him 2am, i knew he was dead from the awkward position he was in, and that...eerie silence (instead of his usually noisy breathing, which'd gotten slightly fainter when i'd last left him alive at that 12.30am-ish timing). this (dying-alone-in-the-dark thing) haunted me for consecutive days&nights after that...until god pointed me to 2 verses (a night apart, coz my guilt would always return esp when i was outside my room or in the toilet on the 'throne', and could no longer hear that...telltale noisy breathing) when bible-flipping. those 2 verses alluded to jesus being there when beagle breathed (or rather, couldn't & likely suffocated from nasal passageway stuck w/ blood) his last. that's all i'll say for now. at least this isn't the end & i know, with greater certainty now, that i'll see beagle (& my other previous co-owned pets, or animals i've said hi to) again. & it won't even feel like much time has passed either, by that point. my insipidus-state bladder is calling for me to empty it now, so i might as well end here. (and see you soon, beautiful handsome pretty beagle [as i used to say* to him, while pointing out his body's main unique colorings and markings].) *but of course i think every pet animal i've ever owned is attractive...because their personalities are attractive. that said, this has been...the only dog that has never bit me, and the dog that has most understood what i and other humans are saying. it's not that he's the smartest; it's that he's displayed the greatest cognitive skills in understanding humans. i only wish it was the other way round for me.)
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