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read between the lines
off again i have to get up in 6 hours, i haven't packed and i'm still up. guess i can't sleep again tonight. and i travel light anyway, to me i see no point in carrying tonnes of luggage if one is only going to have so limited a time to oneself, in a hotel room of one's own (good for holding monologues or talking to the Invisible Presence in the room without confirming others' suspicions that i am a kook), in addition to the rest of the day which will be filled by one's church group itinerary.besides, i need to let out some thoughts anyway, in a quick and fast manner, so this will be the last time i will be able to before i'm off and away tomorrow (one bad thing about blogging is it makes the hand lazy to write). so i know i'll be kept to myself mostly, since i am the "independent explorer" in this group, as usual. but...i'm looking forward to the fact that i will be able to get away from here for awhile. somehow the physical affects the psychological...and it feels good being away from the epicentre of life's events for the moment. a more cowardly definition would be that i'm "running away" again. on top of that, i got an email from someone in authority who "wants to speak personally with me" regarding what, i do not know. i really hate it when people say that because from past experience, every time people want to have a word with me, it means i've done something wrong without knowing i was, and i am going to get some kind of (a) shelling and (b) interrogation, both of which intimidate me, though the latter does so more. i have been known to burst into tears out of heightened fear and pressure during unpleasantly long sessions of interrogation by certain confrontational (read: scary) people. i dread the impending conversation with this person. the end of the third week is drawing near. and i feel grateful that god is still holding me up above these waves that i've been engulfed in for way too long. i've had glimpses of joy in these past three weeks, and that's a significant thing because i can't recall the last time i've ever felt joyful (as opposed to happy). and is this love i feel for my biological brother? i don't know how it happened, and it's not like i've not been wanting it to happen, but i just haven't been able to do that despite continuous, repeated efforts to do what the good book says and literally "love your brother". i can honestly say this is of no doing of mine; because even in my conversations with god i was saying, "yeah, it'd be great if you could include my brother in the list of people my heart needs to genuinely have your capacity to love, but you know how unlikely that is." not only that, my parents and i have not been at loggerheads with each other. and the great thing is, nothing's changed in my family. except me. my mom still worries and frets like crazy over the little things often, but i am no longer prone to infection from her unnecessary anxiety. somehow or other i am able to diffuse it by some god-given ability to make her aware that she's worrying over nothing, instead of take the bait and get agitated. my dad still, at times, jumps to conclusions and gets angry over what he thinks i say is an insult when in truth i am asking an innocent question, but i no longer get equally riled up when he tells me to shut up and take that as the cue to begin defending myself verbally (and physically, should things escalate to that). i really don't know how other than to credit god for it, but at that particular moment i start to feel really ticklish, giggle-wise and suddenly my dad's anger seems like a funny thing to laugh at, even though i have the sense not to reveal it. i think this is how my auntie used to feel in the old days when i was in her care during afternoons on normal school days. i was in primary school then and i remember being quite a handful to look after, not only because i was so adventurous but also because i was a very stubborn, strong-willed and opinionated child (this was the general consensus among the adults). i still am in some areas, i guess. haha. anyway every evening when my parents came for me, my aunty would give them daily reports of my bad record -- all the quarrels, all the things i should not have touched or done, etc. but the thing i always found amusing, and something i could never quite understand, was that when she was relating the day's events, she was always smiling and even laughing at points, like it was a great big joke that i was so naughty, that i caused her so much pain (headaches and cysts followed). or perhaps i am wrong and she was laughing because she was trying to be polite, who knows. all i know is, i like that i'm finally becoming who i've wanted to be for so long. and i hope i don't regress, because i am well-known for falling back after having moved forward a little. i've only said the first part but i've already written so much. so i think i will stop here and get my ass packing. sleeping is almost out of the question, but i have found that i can do pretty well without much sleep for certain spurts of time. it's not like i'd be in dreamland anyway when i'm lying in bed; my mind is a hard thing to put to rest. god of 2nd chances week three and counting. i think this might finally be my golden ticket out.a lot of things have happened that leave me with a sense of deja vu, like i've been here before. it's the same road, the same setting, the same cat meowing (oh oops, i keep thinking of The Matrix). everything can be the same, but i can be different. it's like when i come to these same forks in the road, i'm being given a second chance. i have the chance to trust, when i have the choice to give up. i have the chance to appreciate, when i have the choice to depreciate. i have the chance to see the silver lining, when i have a choice to see the cloud. i have the chance to be an unconditional friend, when i have a choice to be a conditional one. i have the chance to enjoy my family's company, when i have a choice to aid in making it a living hell. i have the chance to see and respond to the needs of others, when i have a choice to see and respond only to the needs of myself. but most importantly, i have a chance to make a difference -- a chance to change my life -- when i have a choice to maintain status quo. i used to think, subconsciously, that i had no say in how my life goes, that it just happens according to whatever god's planned my life to be, but i realise now that i do have a certain amount of power in dictating how my life goes: in how i live it. the circumstances might be the same throughout my life but my attitude doesn't have to. for once in my life, it's like i've been given a pen to change the course of history: my history. to live a life that counts instead of merely occupying space on this planet. i'm giving thanks for the god of second chances. which is a miracle, because the old me would find it difficult to express genuine gratitude in the face of adversity. "Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." -- Ephesians 5:15-17 "Today I am giving you a choice between good and evil, between life and death...I am now giving you the choice between life and death, between God's blessing and God's curse, and I call heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Choose life." -- Deuteronomy 30:15, 19
good charlotte revival good charlotte is good shit!i really really love their latest effort, good morning revival. the music rocks, and so do the lyrics. i always find their singles good, but i tend not to listen to the rest of the tracks. while keep your hands off my girl was classic good charlotte, the river is something new -- really like that they're putting their faith out overtly on this song. in fact it's a really good anthem to sing where i am (in life) right now. and since good charlotte is about the only music my brother and i have in common, hopefully the meaning behind the lyrics'll rub off a bit on him too, haha. The River by GOOD CHARLOTTE (feat. M Shadows & Synyster Gates from Avenged Sevenfold) As I walk through the valley of the shadow of LA The footsteps that were next to me have gone their separate ways I've seen enough now to know that beautiful things don't always stay that way I've done enough now to know this beautiful place isn't everything they say I heard that evil comes disguised Like a city of angels I'm walking towards the light Baptized in the river I've seen a vision of my life And I wanna be delivered In the city was a sinner I've done a lot of things wrong But I swear I'm a believer Like the prodigal son I was out on my own Now I'm trying to find my way back home Baptized in the river I'm delivered I'm delivered (M. Shadows) You're from a small town you're gonna grow up fast underneath big lights Down in Hollywood on the boulevard the dead come back to life To the praying mother The worried father Let your children go If they come back they'll come home stronger and if they don't you'll know They sing that evil comes disguised Like a city of angels I'm walking towards the light Baptized in the river I've seen a vision of my life And I wanna be delivered In the city was a sinner I've done a lot of things wrong But I swear I'm a believer Like the prodigal son I was out on my own Now I'm trying to find my way back home Baptized in the river I'm delivered I'm delivered Baptized in the river (on my own) Baptized in the river (on my own) I wanna be delivered (on my own) (on my own) Baptized in the river (on my own) I wanna be delivered Baptized in the river (on my own) I wanna be delivered Baptized in the river (on my own) I wanna be delivered I confess I'm a sinner I've seen a vision of my life And I wanna be delivered -- and misery sounds like i could've sung the words right out of my mouth in the past. but what makes this song different from other emo songs, i find, is the incongruous juxtaposition of misery's lyrics against its upbeat tunes. man, if misery was this fun, i'd be jumping around too. Misery by GOOD CHARLOTTE Take a look around don't you see it? See that you are the only real face in the room No one here has a clue what you're feeling Don't feel bad, keep your sadness alive Look at all these happy people Living their lives Look at all these plastic people Theres nothing inside Look at all these shallow people Telling their lies Look at all these empty people, people Don't you know that misery loves company Yeah I heard, that misery was looking for me Happiness is a face that don't look good on me Yeah I heard, that misery comes looking for me Wo-Oh, misery's my company Wo-Oh, misery is looking for me Looking for me The hands are up now Everybody's singing, everybody's moving They've programmed their feelings They're synchronizing and criticizing Don't feel bad, keep your sadness alive Look at all these happy people Living their lives Look at all these plastic people They're dying inside Look at all these shallow people Telling their lies Look at all these empty people, people Don't you know that misery loves company Yeah I heard, that misery was looking for me Happiness is a face that don't look good on me Yeah I heard, that misery comes looking for me Woah, misery's my company Woah, misery is looking for me Don't you know this misery loves me Don't you know this misery loves me Don't you know this misery loves me Don't you know this misery loves me Loves me So you're tired of running You're tired of hurting You're tired of living in their lie You're tired of listening You're tired of hurting Keep your sadness alive, alive, alive Don't you know that misery loves company Yeah I heard, that misery was looking for me Happiness is a face that don't look good on me Yeah I heard, that misery comes looking for me Don't you know, misery loves company Yeah I heard, that misery was looking for me Happiness is a face that don't look good on me Yeah I heard, that misery comes looking for me Woah, misery's my company Woah, misery is looking for me trippin' in kl week one plus of this new effort.i knew this was coming, so i saved up my nuggets of...happy thoughts, one of which i will now dispense readily. i took a trip up to kl a few weeks back for a day. i would've had it longer, had my parents approved. okay, so i'm not proud of the fact that they weren't aware, but still, i am the legal age of an adult and i have my own small (but withering) form of finances, so i should be able to make decisions independent of them...right? anyway i just felt i had to get away from things for awhile. ever the escapist. but it kinda helped...i left with happy memories, though after returning, it was as if i had never left, and i immediately came down with a terrible bout of flu, courtesy of my brother and his constant sneezing sessions all around the house. perhaps that was divine punishment. or perhaps i myself made it worse by watering up. who knows. but what matters is i'm well now. my trip to kl, since it was constrained by time, had one main purpose in mind: to see friends i hadn't seen in years. the other sub-purpose was to sit on the seven-storey, much-hyped indoor roller coaster in berjaya times square. thankfully, i managed to do both. everything was so last minute, right down to purchasing bus tickets and who to stay overnight with, but i kinda enjoy that sort of thing in certain situations, and this was one of them. (having coursemates put together slipshot work at the eleventh hour however, is not one of them). and a huge big thank you to my very accomodating cousin for driving me around. it was also a chance to hang out with her before she adds to the statistic of friends leaving for further studies at places too far to call or meet up at.(i'll miss you so much if you're reading this.) so i took the bus, but it arrived late due to the usual exorbitantly long jam that is so common here. which meant instead of my cousin fetching me, i would have to take the lrt to see her. which was pretty cool...it was the first time i'd taken the lrt in kl alone, the second in my life. found out it is way more troublesome than the mrt in s'pore, cos the interchange stations are not within the same compound, so i had to tap my card out, walk a short distance to the next interchange, purchase a new card and tap it again. she picked me up and drove me to my next destination. i was supposed to next meet friends at a famous mamak place called Murni but since we were a little early we stopped at a nearby shop and chatted awhile. after which, she left me with at Murni with the two friends i were to meet: one of whom i had not seen for seven years and the other, i had only recently got to see again last year. the three of us attended a workshop-cum-camp we will never forget, simply because we forged an informidable friendship (of course our circle did not just consist of the three of us), the memories of which will never leave my mind for as long as i live. haha. it was nice to see them again...really really lovely to catch up on old times (so thank you for meeting up!). i also got to try out roti hawaii, which apparently cannot be found anywhere else. it was prata with a combination of pineapples, ground chicken meat (i think), salad and mayonnaise...only in my country can we get this kind of rojak yet delicious food, which i gobbled up with much glee. i also tried bandung special...which came in a bottleneck jug and contained longans and was ice-blended. shiok. after that we adjourned to Secret Recipe for an oreo-flavoured cheesecake. sad to say, i am not very keen on cheesecakes. and we chatted on different levels...some discussions trivial, some serious. which is kind of the way i like chats to go. to be able to joke and laugh about little things yet discuss the very deep issues of the heart is what engages me. after that we parted...there was no need to say we'd keep in touch because i have a feeling we always will. heh. my cousin came and got me, because of her concern that taking a cab would be too dangerous in kl (and as i saw more of the city on my own the next day, i realised it was so true as kl was definitely more different than taking a cab in jb). she brought along a map, her significant other and high-school mate to guide her in terms of driving directions, and all of us had drinks at starbucks at a small plaza near my next drop-off destination. it was easy to get along with them, and always nice to hang out with my cousin, so i had a good time. but all too soon, it came time to say goodbye. she sent me off to my next friend's place to stay over for the night...my high-school junior of four years who, very recently, moved to kl and is now studying there. i used to walk over to her house (since we were in the same neighbourhood) and her place was such a welcome refuge during family fights and subsequent runaways (always a last resort, but still an available option for a person who handles pressure poorly like me). we spent most of the night talking. she's still the same old gal i knew and loved, haha. and the next day she drove me (many thanks!) to the lrt. the way she drove feels similar to the way i used to drive...faster than usual, yet safe enough not get into an accident. and then my second lrt adventure began. it also involved having to get out and change at an interchange, different from the previous night's. it was then i had another grouse about our country's transportation system as compared to our neighbour's: some compartments had no air-cond at all. so it was hot, stuffy and stinky for part of the journey. my bus back didn't come till mid-afternoon, so i took the lrt to, guess where, berjaya times square. i arrived pretty early, so i had a kopitiam-style breakfast of double-boiled eggs and teh while waiting for the mall to open. i also made use of the hotel's public toilet, which is on the 18th floor (second place i've been to in my life that places its reception area on a floor other than the 1st) and had this cozy seating area, as if it was straight out of someone's fireplace hearth. so i finally entered the theme park and here's my take on it. i found that having a grand theme park (supposed to be the largest indoor theme park in this country) with almost no patrons and staff that want to save on costs by only operating rides if more than one person gets on per ride sucks. i think there were less than 10 people around, right until lunch time, so it was pretty frustrating having to wait for other people to congregate in order to utilise a ride. not only that, the locker inside which people carrying bags like me were all required to use, incurred an extra RM1 expense on top of the flat rate charged for entering the park. and me, thinking the RM1 was refundable, closed and opened it...only to find out it was not. i kicked up such a big fuss at customer service because i refused to pay an extra RM1 for another locker because it was simply not worth the few amount of hours spent sitting on the few rides that fell short of the word 'exhilaration'. thankfully, i didn't have to eventually, thanks to the kind manager in charge. and that big roller coaster with one upside-down twirl and two sharp falls? my verdict was i came away disappointed. it looked imposing, especially during the trial run, but in the end it felt even less exciting than genting highland's indoor roller coaster, which, though is nothing compared to the coasters at the outdoor area, still packs in quite a bit of a punch right near the end when there is a sharp swing to the left (you practically swing from the right of your seat to the left; the bruises from repeated seatings were all worth it in my opinion). the first sharp fall was mildly scary and almost promising, but the second fall was a real letdown, because it was met with further bumps and twirls too soon that went against the zero gravity the fall was supposed to bring, which kind of defeats the whole purpose. theme park aside, i loved Borders because it was so big! three storeys of heaven...i would've been there till night if given the chance. signs announced it as the biggest borders bookstore in the region...and i agree. my favourite sport of bowling was also there (at the mall) to tempt me, but i couldn't give in, knowing the limited time i had left. conveniently but unbeknownst earlier to me, the mall was located within walking distance (or even lrt distance) to the bus stop, so it was all very easy for me. i spent most of the bus trip sleeping and feeling significantly more flu-sick. and that was my memorable trip. heeh. |
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