|
|
|
read between the lines
an epiphany i was sitting in the dark watching people i either looked up to or who portrayed themselves as superior to me butcher one of my favourite john mayer songs into little pieces (it was so bad i couldn't even look the lead vocalist in the face, and i cringed every time i heard a guitar go out of sync) when it hit me, just like that:the experts don't always know it all. that their opinions (read: their criticisms) don't necessarily have to be more valuable or more valid than mine, just because they've got experience under their belt. i cut the cord with my psychologist on thursday by the way. i came to the conclusion that paying a substantial amount of money just for 10-15 minutes' worth of advice that any friend (armed with just common sense) could've given, over a frequency of once a month or once in two months, doesn't really count as accountability and if anything, only serves to pacify all those 'friends' who'd cut short the conversation by asking me to seek professional help every time i opened up about my struggles. i've always felt, and still feel, that i needed to work these things out in my head on my own, not with the help of a shrink to sort of plot out the graphs for me, 'cause that would ruin my self-discovery process and make it a less personal, less creative (and less beautiful) one, so to speak. and it was stupid of me not to listen to that inner voice, because it turned out to be right, no matter how well-meaning my friends meant (or maybe they really were just giving a cop-out excuse). i've learnt so much about myself these past four months -- mostly without the shrink's help or advice. i'm not saying pills or advice don't work for others, i'm not saying the shrink wasn't earnest and fatherly in his very short sessions with me, and i'm certainly not saying i wasn't mentally exhausting to talk to during my low points of life... i'm just saying that this method just isn't meant for me. and i'm realising i really can survive in this world after all, even if i don't have anybody human to count on for anything. jesus might not be obvious enough for me to say that he is all i'm truly leaning on right now, but then again he is, in an indirect way -- through the songs i listen to, the movies i watch, the breaths i take; for in Him we live and move and exist.
|
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}