Wednesday, September 08, 2021

some interim placeholder

it's...too p&c to mention, but basically, i haven't been given the liberty to bring this blog's code back to today's times. in fact, i was told to not even blog at all, which...i mean, srsly, what have i got to hide? my life genuinely is shit, as is evident in the few-and-far-between pages of these post-accdt scribblings, and it oftentimes appears to get worse and worse than before i last wrote. and this entry hasn't even hit the one year mark.

but then again, i am in no hurry. and...i don't know: maybe when i'm finally "allowed" to do whatever i want to do with my own friggin' blog, i might just leave it as is (and merely clean up redundant blank spaces), since...this 'retro' wave always makes its rounds. 

speaking of retro, i really wish they'd bring back that 'no expectations from acquaintances to always remain contactable' trend though. because the amount of *cough* shallow *cough* people who keep pressing me to do so never seems to end. 

and seeing how, all my life, i seem to keep attracting strangers even though i don't even generally like speaking* to (most) humans in the first place, i'm starting to realise it's an expectation in which i have no choice but to learn how to best manage, with god's graceful wisdom.

*depending on the noise (and this refers to more than sound) level, they can make for great props or scenery. the smell of coffee and bread-baking wafting around, the excited laughter and not-related-to-me chatter of people talking to their friends, the distant clinking of coffee cups.

but turn that noise level up several notches, and all that overstimulation of senses starts to get a bit too jarring for me (i could tolerate this more, back when i didn't live with over-the-top ptsd and constant environmental stressors like after my accdt). 

the screeching of chairs being pushed in and out, high-pitched voices screaming at others, the sickening perfume smell of some trying-too-hard bitch, i mean, female customer, weaving in and out of tables (with her equally sickening 'barely there but too attention-seeking not to keep gawking at' clothing), and so on, is never what i enjoy enduring.

but tbeh though, i never actually cared much for trends and fads. it's more a question of...what i wanna see when i look back at what i've written. and the sense of familiarity, that this mostly-unchanged-since-i-started blog appearance provides, is more than enough reason for me to maintain the status quo on here.

i guess apart from that update, er, well, exactly a month ago, my last dog, scottie, was still alive. and then a week later, our Good Lord took him home, partially due to no fault of his own. it's too long an account to expound on...especially when i have not much of a desire to, at least not atm.

and no, nobody's going to tell me otherwise about how animals and trees don't exist in heaven, let alone within the new heavens and new earth. i know what my gut tells me, how it interprets His Word, and i'm clearer than ever that i will see all my favourite animals (and more) again. 

(i'll be avoiding the humans as much as i can in my next life, anyway. if they're already so overwhelming here on earth, what more there, with millions and billions of them from throughout-the-ages?)

there are some thing in life that i just know. never cared for human approval anyway. they almost always get it wrong, whatever it is. either that or i just don't see eye to eye with most of what the majority always says. and...a lot of the time, i end up seeing my predictions or opinions prove true or accurate, several years (or decades) down the road. not that it ever matters who's right in the end.

ugh, i was reminded of the influx of a particular breed of humans who keep reappearing in my life after i thought i was finally spared from their whining long absences of time. they come in all...er, shapes and sizes, to put it in the most generic-yet-not-literal of terms, and their common denominator is this: they only want to talk about themselves, themselves and themselves only.

sometimes they feign a passing interest in knowing what i'm up to, and then it's back to the whole "listen to me 24/7" crap again. which i have to gradually get better at pushing back against.

i can only imagine that all their equally shallow friends must've gotten sick of talking to them, for them to start turning to me, as if i seem to be everybody's a never-ending number of people's default last resort. yup...never the popular kid/ colleague/ whoever but always the...wait, what's their name again? think i'll go bug jessica because last i remember, she was never as offensive as i was in my in-contrast tactless and superficial judgements about everyone who isn't me...one.

funny how the more i run from people, the more likely they are to make a beeline for me. (actually, it's not funny at all. and the comments i've gotten from clueless people about this apparently-uncommon phenomenon are...sigh, lacking in intellectual depth, or at least compassion about this being an issue to me seriously.)

i mean, i understand it's a privilege, but it can easily go both ways, with regard to it either being a curse or a blessing. it honestly takes a lot of...erm, asking god for help. and increasingly getting used to the fact that...i need to mentally prepare myself every time i'm anywhere near an anxiety-causing explosive online-communication device. or within range of the faceless public, for that matter.

and for the cretins, i mean, christians, who proclaim that this is "my" ministry, in the first place, (1) i'm not jesus christ, and (2) i never even chose it in the first place. i can only point people to jesus (i mean, to those people, i always think, aren't y'all even doing that, yourselves?). but if they don't wanna listen, i'm not even close to eager to take the place of some human god that will always fail them.

besides, i'm pretty sure the people who flocked to jesus never went, "hey man, i think you should shave your beard" or "your hair's too long" or "the way you dress is too shabby – you should garb yourself with [mentions a buncha ostentatious pieces of clothing that they wear, or at least approve of if they're not able to wear them]".

ugh...this rambling reflects my slightly hangry tummy. which i was supposed to settle an hour ago. (that porridge, left under the fan in the kitchen, is most definitely cold by now.) also doesn't help that i hadn't exactly planned to write atm. it's just that i was looking for a few old notes i'd saved in...either this blog or the others, and got carried away.

(a non-sarcastic) great. now john mayer's not-the-album version of carry me away's playing in my mind. will likely be humming that as i head off to kitchen to sup.

p.s. a nearly-a-decade-old episode of 'taboo' was playing on tv a few weeks ago. and they featured a poor dude whose ocd tendencies debilitated his entire life. how he had to keep repeating physical actions if things weren't 'just right' in his mind's eye was...unnervingly familiar to me. 

(it's just that i've eventually learned to shrug off most habits. or at least keep them to a minimum, aesthetically, especially in public.) and i thought i was bad enough, what with the near-daily parental scoldings (without parents realising that they themselves execute repetitive actions of their own, and react in denial if called out). 

i don't mind living with earworms though. sometimes, i wake up to instrumental music i don't even recognise. which is a glorious experience, as if heaven lent me its earphones for a while.

back to the dude, at least his family and friends were supportive. (they likely still are.) mine are...well, everyone who knows me has always found me a bit...insane (in a kooky, not life-threatening way) at times. but it's a whole lot harder to remain, or at least appear, sane after my brain's taken a serious hit(-and-run). 

not that i can complain much though, seeing as my memory, sanity and (dearest to me) wits (/ intellectual capacity to think deeply, which...almost no one else i know seems to care about inculcating) have more-or-less been restored to me, by now.

p.p.s. this...'difficulty with sanity/ calm-composure' thing is something that people who've (awol-ed and) unceremoniously popped back into my life have difficulty grasping. it doesn't matter whether whoever it is has known me before or after my accident: this breed of human tends to only care about itself and wants adulation from (i.e. being fawned over by) others. they don't seem to understand that hey, i need my space, especially when in an indefinitely prolonged crisis mode, dammit.

i mean, i get that they're lonely and trying to fill that void in their lives (people from this breed are either unattached, or attached but in deeply unhappy romantic relationships). been there, done* that. and i've walked that road way too many times to know by now that...a fallen human being can never fully meet that need. in any case, i really don't want to be this breed's punching bag/ fallback ambiguous friend any more. 

*if i haven't physically done the exact same thing, i've certainly had more than my fair share of secondhand experience, on top of the theoretical research i've dug up. the longer i live, the more i see the intrinsic, universal similarities that humans all around the world share, in terms of basic desires and instincts. as in, i might express the same feeling through different outlets, but the root need/ want is always the same.

i used to be for the longest time, because i thought i had to be "all things to all men [or humans or whatever]". but doing that (especially with a lower, slightly-impaired-since-accdt, tolerance for whiny humans) has been absolutely detrimental to my well-being. i gradually understood the (selective) context of what that phrase (as well as all the whole..."turn the other cheek", servile-sounding passages in the bible) was used for.

supper beckons. the (thankfully moderately tonight) ravenous growling in my gut must be appeased.