Wednesday, December 08, 2021

zero-accomplishment milestone

today, i mark a milestone that...i really don't think anybody retained in their memory for. which is fair, because it's personal, and...i don't tend to shout about things. (when i did, i'd literally lost my mind, which was in early years after the hit-and-run that was briefly mentioned in previous post.)

and about that hit-and-run. since i haven't slept, i still count it as the-day-before. and well, whatever it is, exactly seven years ago (just a few hours earlier), i could've made it to heaven. but alas, it wasn't my time. and my asshole (immediate-family) brother had to write something...so obvious, yet so unnecessary about it, all the way from new zealand (via whatsapp). 

jeez...i think i've blocked-and-unblocked him like 3 times already. looks like i might have to do it again soon. if he wasn't directly related, i wouldn't even bother unblocking (ah, the pains of not being able to deFOO* —as the slang/ movement goes— because...well, it's against my ethics to). 

*saw an episode on tv featuring people who'd regretted doing it, and i can't disagree, tbeh. because unfortunately, as much as i still cannot relate to...most humans on this planet (or at least where i live), i...i know it's not what jesus would do. 

i might not be an outright wwjd and am far from a right-wing fanatic, but the principles i was brought up on still hold true even today. i might not agree with the legalistic crap i've seen and heard, but i certainly believe in the gospel of grace, despite it being abused and maligned to extremes by some (but thankfully not all).

anyway. apart from my brother, at least my parents were tolerant. yup...i'm still living with them. god only knows for how long. on one hand, it sucks because "everyone else" doesn't, at least not by my age. (i put the inverted commas there because that's obviously not true, out of the billions of us inhabiting this planet today.)

but on the other, i know it kinduv...doesn't. it's...incredibly tough to still be "stuck" with them, but i figure that as long as i am here, i do what i can to take care of them (when i am able to not lose my cool...which has been a far bigger challenge since my hit-and-run). of course, they never see it that way. (i have been accused multiple times of being "difficult", "ungrateful" and all sorts of one-sided rubbish.)

but since when have i ever done things for their approval? i know god sees what i am doing, and i know He doesn't care about the effort so much as the heart. anyway. speaking of things-i-do-for-parents (out of love, for that matter, because "He first loved [me]"):

i hadn't planned on the date*, but i somehow managed to call-and-arrange a christmas eve dinner, for my parents and i, at the mall i was headed to (had i not gotten into a hit-and-run just metres away from my intended destination). except there's now a hotel on the rooftop of that mall, so it's more of a hotel-lobby-on-the-rooftop-of-a-mall dinner. same place, regardless.

*as in, i hadn't planned on arranging for such a meal to the same place again, exactly seven years later. it's just another one of those fell-into-place at-the-last-minute things that will forever mark the sequences of my...my (haha) charmed life. (i was thinking of the divine comedy's song. i do enjoy neil hannon's new song from his new yet-compilation-of-old-songs album of the same 'charmed life' title. because i find it so personally relevant in a way, like most of his songs! but i digress.)

but the hit-and-run wasn't the (only) milestone i had in mind, when i started this post. i was referring to the fact that...*drum roll*...exactly 17 years ago, i nearly committed suicide. it was the kind of suicide that...had i even attempted it, i would surely have succeeded. (i forgot how much i mentioned on here, but i'll leave it at that for now.)

for this milestone *puts hand on chin...nope, i'll not be including emoticons in my posts, because i think they're lame*, i seriously doubt that anybody (whom i've cared to mention it to) has remembered this fact. but it doesn't matter, because it's mostly for me to ponder on.

although, unfortunately, i haven't had the mental space to reflect, not when...i mean, seriously, living with my parents is...busy, busy busy. it takes up a lot of mental processing and guesswork. to the point that, even after they've gone to bed, my mind is still busy* working on other things. 

 *that's...still one thing that's hard for me to do post-accident. i don't always get it right because well...i guess this whole world keeps putting 'martha's on pedestals and berating all the 'mary's. (yeah, from the whole...jesus-spending-time-at-bethany-with-them event.) but i am slowly (and surely) getting it more right.

in any case, i spent the whole night till (just-before-starting-this-post-at-) daybreak accomplishing the final touches of my latest project, which was my discovery of iptv at the start of this month. (so that's...been almost exactly a week, which is a relatively good and early ending-point, since most of my projects tend to take months and often get postponed due to stress-from-living-with-parents.)

i mean, i know it's illegal (i am not fooled by the links that claim they aren't), but it's more of like a doing-it-for-parents thing more than anything. because the cable plan we subscribed to has lately been reduced, with some channels changed to shittier ones. 

what with my parents bemoaning not having much to watch on tv or the yt app, and streaming being buffer-unfriendly for my parents' hand-me-down-from-mother's-sis old-generation smart tv, i decided to...look into what free-to-air channels i could find for them. there were several tweaks because my parents balked at channels that buffered often. and i only learned how to categorise the channels into folders 2 (or should i say 3, since it's daylight by now) nights ago.

so i finally whittled down (and tested, for long enough) the channels that were (relatively) buffer-free, worked out with them (after feedback of) what channels they liked, and categorised those channels into neater-for-viewing folders tonight! (again, am ignoring the fact that it is already broad daylight in this i-hate-the-high-ceilings-especially-after-ptsd room.)

which means i can finally move on to other things, such as pending projects...and the fact that i haven't bathed since i last discovered this iptv thing. i mean, my brother'd already installed the app for playing it. but i just never looked into how to use it until now. 

(and yeah, this...bathing once-a-week thing has sadly become a necessity of my stuck-with-parents life because of my mother's repeated nagging of me taking too long to bathe and her lack of understanding how therapeutically refreshing it is to spend hours in there. no, i wasn't referring to fapping, but rather of being lost in my own thoughts while-doing-sth-as-mundane-as-bathing. 

i'm always lost in my own thoughts when the task at hand gets boring. and i honestly wouldn't have it any other way. it was so...my god, difficult to do that when my brain was fresh from being-sentient after my hit-and-run. but i was very thankful to have that faculty regained. because i'd rather be dead than retarded, hands down. have already told my parents to pull the plug if i'm ever brain dead...neither of us can afford a will atm, so i can't legally put a DNR order in there. 

but i trust god to kill me off instead of letting me rot.)

speaking of killing me off, well...that reminds me of the title of this post (that i started with). i...really thought i would've accomplished something by now. thought i would've at least have moved out (away from my parents...For Good, dammit!), thought i'd be working, thought i'd be married by now, or at least be romantically attached* or sth.

*like that fb setting says, "it's complicated". i'm not on that toxic place atm and i am very happy not to be there, at least for the time being (when my life is in shambles, what with fb practically doling out post after post of 'look my life's better than yours' agony).

but i would say it is complicated because...i am attached to someone, in a very strong and undeniable way. i'll leave it at that.

but my hit-and-run sure knocked that out of the park, even if previous obstacles tried their best to prevent me (and repeatedly failed...after knocking me down and slowing down my advancement).

that said, i feel (and have felt) unusually buoyant on this...day-to-night-to-technically-another-day-now date. because i know the Hope in me says it's all been restored. and i only have but to wait on Him, and trust Him as He "conform[s me more] into [His] image" (as that bible verse goes), whether i like it or not. 

i mean, the moulding sure wears me out and drives me insane at times (what with...this elevated bipolar-like state post-accident), but i have seen a lot of progress, especially this year, from the point i started repeatedly declaring "i am the righteousness of God in Christ" for just about everything (and not just addictions), as advised by the pastor of the church i regularly 'attend' (online, in these pandemic times) nowadays.

and with that, my communion is overdue and i'll be taking it now. (again, another from-his-church thing i had to unlearn-previous-teachings-from and learn-new-ways-of-perceiving-of. goodness, the number of times people have come against me agreeing with [most but never all of] what he teaches. and the progress of my life that has been hampered by such...reluctance. but better late than never, is what i always say.)

and as he always reminds us, for decades, it really has all been restored. that verse in joel does ring true, even if the whole 'god sent the curses on you' part no longer applies (again, this is a sticking point between legalists and grace-proponents). 

i should know because i am witnessing this very act (of restoration i mean) gradually taking place in my life. it's not all there yet, and on the surface it looks like nothing's changed from how i was 17 years ago, but...i know i've changed. for the better, i mean. and...i might still be waiting on a lotta things (such as moving out from my parents'), but i do see (concrete) signs of promise from time to time.

to communion (and sleep)!
(as opposed to 'to infinity and beyond' :p)