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read between the lines
last 'live' post for this yr 22:30 sigh, this was not how i wanted it to be. once again, my mother has succeeded in fucking up my plans...but never my life.i am forced to type from my tablet in bed at my parents' instead of at my brother's apartment i'm renting. (& he's snother no-choice regular irritant w/ his whatsapps, even now, that i have to put up w/, because i find it obligatory to regularly update him abt things in the apartment he bought here.) i have not had my "lunch" yet, just woke up again, & have been suffering diarrhoea & flatulence since yesterday's 8.30pm dinner my mother provided...until maybe 10am here, when i finally took eno (from my father's stash here) after my fretful mother wanting me to take charcoal pills instead. (my stomach might be fine by now, but i've continued feeling hella tired, & it hasn't helped that my sleep has not-as-frequently-but-still been interrupted by me needing to empty bladder, retake desmo, & drink more water again. hence being too sleepy to even leave this hse. i've only just reluctantly-stirred in bed.) except i had to remind my mother i'd just taken my desmopressin, so she freaked & claimed i couldn't take it together with eno when i've done so pretty often (up till before last oct when a sun svc livestream's prayer by jp on healing of gastritis, surprisingly finally worked for me). she did the same nasty freaking-out when, the day after my disheatening hospital appointment last mth, when i decided to google what to take when my sodium levels were low (which they were as usual, in my blood test results at the hospital*. *i was told again i was 'overdosing' on desmo & i needed to cut down. if it were that simple to do, i'dve done it a long time ago. i dehydrate, can't think straight, keep needing to piss for up till an hour [every few secs] on the toilet bowl, keep needing to drink water or hot drinks to satiate my thirst. so i was told to take food with high water content in it. i forgot to mention to them, because the endo docs keep forgetting, that the antibiotics in the iv drip i was given, just after jan 2015's skin graft, immediately gave me a whole host of food allergies (& mild skin allergies) that have lessened by now but never fully went away. this includes fruits i used to welcome rather greedily before that, since my self-control skills went out the window immediately post-accdt (& that affected everything from binging whenever presented with even mere tv shows on food, to laughing against my will at an old woman my mother was laughing at [who got giddy after having to walk in a circle while pressing her head to the top of a closed umbrella, as exercise] during my physiotherapy sessions back when i couldn't walk so well after the skin graft. i was very sad because after that session, the physiotherapist head told me i could do the rest of my leg exercises at home instead of coming over [& at least getting outta the hse i was mostly locked-up in]. back to topic.) at the time, the answer to low sodium levels was so 'duh' – sports/ energy drinks. so i immediately downed a mug...& it lasted me 12hrs (not 4-6) on half the desmo dosage. i decided to continue the nexr day when she freaked that it'd give me stomach problems (i had to remund her i've been healed of them over a yr ago). after which, she proclaimed yet 1 of her many curses over my future, (which i thankfully increasingly disbelieve & reject as i lean more into god's grace), i.e. "ur teeth will all erode!" & "why substitute 1 sickness for another?!". so i looked it up to see if her fear-mongering had merits (it did). as a result, i switched more to the vanilla-flavoured almond milk i'd discovered the mth before to be the best-tasting milk substitute i've tried (coz 1 of my post-antibiotics allergies is dairy-that-isn't-frozen-like-ice-cream). the almond milk had the same effect on my desmopressin. & not only that, i'd discovered the mth before that that, sometimes when i'm too tired after putting off making my dinner, i can just down a mug full of almond milk, & it'd not only fill my stomach but also make me sleepier/ help me k.o. a lot more readily. so that's 1 significant health improvement, nearly a month short of 10 years since my hit&run, & this insipidus started. spking of: i rly did want to blog for my birthday, for the 1st-decade anniversary of my hit-&-run, for christmas. but yup, u guessed it – my mother stressed me out for all those occasions. not that i never got to carve out some personal space (& therefore much-needed literal peace & quiet) away from my mother. but that hiding-away time was so precious to me, i rightly prioritised it over blogging. except i'm not doing so now coz it's the last less-than-an-hr of this year alrdy. 2 things i realized (from as late as xmas eve, & the other, only just yesterday) that i felt were worth blogging about: 1. it finally occurred to me by xmas eve's night, that it once again falls upon my to rally my parents over for a joint christmas eating-out the next day. (my mother had initially angrily told me not to come over for occasions like christmas last mth. i thought it was finally my opportunity to break free from these shackles of febrile maternal micro-management hell, but nope – as i was packing up to leave, she said i could stop by but jusr not plan joint meals. she also strangely apologized through my open car door window, as i was driving off. this has never happened before, so soon after such heated arguments.) so i stated my reasons. (i.e. i'm not overseas or even out-of-state this yr so it's...odd for us to celebrate separately if so; & ikea requires no booking & there'd be no lack for parking, plus it's near the apartment.) & even though my reluctant mother asked me to check with her again the next day (& used my father as an excuse for not being sure abt lunch, when she's the one who calls the shots on food every time), we all still ended up lunching at ikea for christmas the next day. so that xmas eve night, i finally realised i shouldn't shirk my responsibilities toward often having to spend time with, & look out for (although my parents will be quick to deny & say it's the other way round) my parents, as the eldest & as the one who's still living within physical reach of them.. why? because i finally realized i was born into this family to steward them, as 1 of the many reasons it has to be these parents. & that this stewardship is a test, for greater (but less pain-in-the-butt) responsibilities in the future to later steward. that it is my christian duty to, even though i don't even have a job or my own family yet (or other life-goal things) to steward. & not only that; my role (in context of w/ my parents) in life is not to reflect & negatively react* to their poor parenting skills. *sometimes w/ great mental paralysis outta stress, like what happened in oct after a stressful longer-than-expected outing to areas around neighbouring tmn daya – lost my appetite, skipped meals & slept much, started spotting & even lactating (thankfully both were mild symptoms...no, this is not the norm for me), which fcked up the timing i next bled the next mth (coz it wasn't s'posed to be around my birthday – i still made it work, though, & celebrated more, several days later). it is to show them what god's grace is like, out of the outpouring of grace he himself has given me. which means i need to get my supply (of whatever i lack & expect to get) from abba god, jesus, & the assuring inward-hugging holy spirit; not my parents or anybody else. 2. i saw a set of verses yesterday while bible-flipping, & it started to make so much sense to me re:not yet implementing any biz ideas of mine. (been working on my latest idea's collateral, but it's still not done yet since last mth so i've taken a break all wk. it's kinda like the upfront startup costs of a business...except my costs are time, apart from living-off-my-settlement $.) dammit, googling showed too many bible verses & versions in time for now. it was abt not working on the 7th yr, but that the 6th yr's crops would still provide food up till yr 8 when that yr's crops get harvested. k done, 'made it' (re:posting) for this yr!
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