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read between the lines
Monday, January 16, 2006
church youth
okay, it's time to let the cat out the bag...officially. if it's not already noticeable in the past from some of the hints here, i'll make it clear today. and i am not afraid because it is the truth and i realised that i'm not the only one who feels this way, nor am i part of a minority who does. because this group of people is...larger than i initially thought, thanks to mutual sharing sessions in the recent past.
wanted to type and all, but me being long-winded, and tomorrow being a school day, decided i could make things easier for myself by inserting part of an msn message i just had below. it's been edited to only include the relevant parts, and i've added in extra comments here and there which i didn't have time to explain at the time, for further understanding:
made new says:
and i nearly wanted to skip church today
made new says:
hargh.skipped youth though...or shud i say, i walked out halfway
made new says:
i just felt more n more like i'm not wanted there
Matt 6:27 says:
oh how come?
made new says:
n today was just as bad i guess...
made new says:
i realised that i blend so much into the background ever since the young ones took over
made new says:
i used to play the piano for youth...these days no one even recommends me or asks me to guide them, cos erm, dont mean to be rude but our current band is still not up to standard
i wanted to add in that usually in the past, the youth learned how to play their instruments better through guidance from old hands, aka. the ones who used to play. but they'd rather not ask me and try to struggle through the notes themselves than request for my help, which i would not hesitate to give. except one of them, who did ask me a few times...but seems to be constantly pressured not to ask me anymore.
and then suddenly when some of our youth from overseas doing further studies return, they ask them eagerly to help them out and coach them and stuff. they even get them to play (their instruments) again for some of the sessions, whereas i, on the other hand, haven't even been asked to play for ages. in fact a few months back, the adult advisor himself said i was a forgotten pianist, to paraphrase. he encouraged them to ask me to play for some of their sessions but that never came to pass.
don't get me wrong, i am not so egoistic that i have to get asked to play the piano, but i feel that if god gave me these talents and these talents are being wasted away, i am not glorifying god. furthermore, it's not so much about not being asked to play, but rather that this is one of the things they do that added to me feeling like i'm thin air aka. invisible when i walk into youth.
Matt 6:27 says:
do u have like a cell group
made new says:
we have a failed cells
made new says:
failed
made new says:
supposed to have, but like so many other plans for youth, it failed
Matt 6:27 says:
oh gosh okie
Matt 6:27 says:
cells are quite impt leh
made new says:
they're trying to revive it again, but ...sigh. i'm supposed to be one of the leaders for a brood of [tweenagers]
make no mistake, i am not against leading a group of young people, but there's a difference between leading a cell group and being part of a cell group. where does a leader go to to get encouraged? especially if their own group is somewhat younger and therefore less able to respond or relate to the problems the leader faces?
i mean i have, gradually, revealed some of my problems to them, but..i don't expect them to respond the way someone else my age would, which is understandable, since they're young and they have yet to experience many forthcoming pains in this world.
made new says:
yes they are
made new says:
which is why i was seriously contemplating again whether i shud go over to [another] church n find a cell grp
made new says:
n i guess what made me squirm even more today was that,
made new says:
i was looking at the band playing, n i realised that they have all their favorites there. cos there's this dominant grp of "popular" ones in youth, that pretty much override everyone else
made new says:
n i just wasnt too happy with the fact that
Matt 6:27 says:
ahh i see...
made new says:
when ppl from overseas, those who are my age, [from further studies] come back, they're treated like heroes.
Matt 6:27 says:
oh okie
made new says:
they even acknowledge them publicly in the announcements like today
made new says:
but like me, who's always been there, it's like i dont even exist
made new says:
n even when i came back last yr, after not going for 3 mths due to this prob, it was as if i never left
made new says:
was asking god again today, is this the church u want me to stand by?
made new says:
or shud i say youth
made new says:
church is fine actually...main church i mean
made new says:
ppl say hi, the church funded my [mission trip] last yr, they ask me to play (piano) for main service
made new says:
but youth is totally different
Matt 6:27 says:
hmm.....okie
made new says:
still got no answer [from god]
made new says:
but am seriously considering now
made new says:
rem i said the only thing that's keeping me here is the so-called commitments?
such as leading a cell group, or others (i shall not go into detail). i did think about it today when i was talking to god about it, but i realised that all these "commitments" never really come to fruition due to the nature of our youth administration. our admin nature is such that most plans don't get implemented fully, and even if you suggest them or try to get them going, most eventually burn out and fail in the long run due to laziness, not being serious about it, etc. and one of these half-baked plans was the cell groups.
it was one of the sole convincing reasons why i took a 3-month break from the youth. i found that i was doing it alone, the leading. which is pretty hard if you don't get backing from the overall system. i felt strongly that, in every church-related thing i do for the church, the church should support me fully for it, or else it becomes a selfish, one-person, human-led agenda instead of a collective, god-led agenda from the body of christ.
and anything that's not god-led is...as the verse says, "unless the lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain." (psalm 127:1)
Matt 6:27 says:
uh huh
made new says:
am wondering if i shud jus drop them like u said
made new says:
still thinking about it
made new says:
hmm....still wondering. should i or shouldn't i...
made new says:
i also started to ask god what is the reason why people choose to join the churches that they join?
made new says:
one reason was whether the doctrine taught was right
Matt 6:27 says:
yup
made new says:
okay, check.
made new says:
but the other one was pretty hard...it was a double-ended question:
Matt 6:27 says:
double ended?
made new says:
another reason why ppl join the churches that they join becos it's supposed to make them grow. but what is the definition of growth?
made new says:
as in: is growth a) people in the church supporting you and encouraging you in your spiritual growth, or b) the church itself providing a good testing ground for you to grow in suffering as you endure the shit that happens there?
Matt 6:27 says:
supposed to be reason a) i guess
made new says:
u sure? i'm feeling confused becos of that
made new says:
cos i realised my church, i mean my youth, has taught me a lot of things in a painful way thru the years
Matt 6:27 says:
why do u endure "shit" in a church
Matt 6:27 says:
a church is not supposed to have "shit"
made new says:
but there's no perfect church rite?
Matt 6:27 says:
ahhhh....
Matt 6:27 says:
of course its not, but politics and discrimination are not very christian-like is it?
made new says:
ya
Matt 6:27 says:
if u claim to follow the word, but u do not act like according to it, what examples are u setting
made new says:
but every church seems to have that rite? it's jus how much of it there is in the church. rite?
Matt 6:27 says:
i suppose so
made new says:
ya. that's sth i'm confused about i guess
made new says:
or unsure of.
made new says:
i'm questioning whether it is selfish to ask for a church that at least acknowledges me when i come or can at least lend some mutual support in a cell grp or sth, or whether it's god's plan for me to stick it out and just grow the hard way through enduring all this every week, as if the church is some testing ground or sth for the real world
Matt 6:27 says:
ok i see where u are coming from here
Matt 6:27 says:
i really dunno, but continue to pray abt it yeah
made new says:
i will
made new says:
i did that actually...for like the 3 mths that i didn't come for youth last year, but i came up with no answers, no sign or anything. so in the end i just decided to come back...
made new says:
i came back partly also cos my close friend [was] persuading me to return
Matt 6:27 says:
yah
Matt 6:27 says:
oh okie okie
Matt 6:27 says:
a few close friends is a lot better to feeling "popular"
made new says:
but i've never wanted to be popular...i just dont want to be ignored
what i meant was, i don't want to be ignored in church, because a church is supposed to support its members (it's in the new testament...acts i think).
that is something i became really disturbed about again...and i realised i haven't been thinking so much about it since school and all its distractions (deadlines, workloads, etc.) started. heh.
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