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read between the lines
partiality i think i will never understand the way my parents run the house. yesterday i found a new thing to add to the list of Things Not To Ask Mom: "can i go to KL for a few days?"just a simple, innocent question; i asked it since it is the hols and i don't have much to do here. and for that i get such an adverse reaction from her. here are her reactions, in order: (1) she got agitated -- she started shouting; her first words were "NO" (2) she hyperventilated -- she kept repeating herself; she started accusing me of the horrendous things i would be doing in KL (3) she became deaf -- she refused to listen to any explanations or assurances from me; she basically would not listen to my defense or give me a chance to explain this shows how much she trusts me. and it's pretty unfair considering i have never done sex, drugs or rock 'n' roll (okay i just put the last one in cos they always say that, haha). also, sometimes i can't help but feel a little jealous when i see my brother getting all the privileges i didn't get when i was his age. it's like i was the guinea pig for my parents' parenting experiments and my brother is the one who gets to enjoy the end result benefits. it's really hard not to complain when i see my brother get to do the things i never got to do at his age. and when i ask my parents what's the deal with the fricking double standards they tell me "it's different with him". what the hey? i was strictly forbidden to invite my friends over to my house. i never got to talk on the phone late at night to people of the opposite sex (truly my mother lived up to the motto of adam sandler's character's mother in The Waterboy: "Little girls [in this case, boys] are the devil!"). i never got to go out with my friends on the day of the annual mandatory chinese new year reunion dinner, let alone show up late and not get beaten, punched, kicked, cained or slapped for it. and other injustices. (*all of the above refer to when i was a teenager) so you can understand why i get rather uncomfortable when i see my brother having the liberty to all these things and more. and why i get rather uneasy when i bring up requests like the one i mentioned in the beginning of this post. but then again, it is true that my brother is different. i don't have the ability to make my parents laugh, straight from young, nor do i constantly suck up to them and flatter them. neither do i enjoy my parents doing things for me when i feel i should be doing them on my own -- stuff like carrying my own schoolbag, doing my own homework, etc. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with these actions, but that's just not me. with an attitude like this (especially the sucking up), it's not hard to see why my mother constantly dotes on him, "babies" him up and becomes more lenient towards him, so much so that he's allowed to get away with so many things like disturbing his sister and kicking the dog. and when i shout at him or try to punish him, most times my mother sides with him or condones his actions. the best part is, she actually listens to him. when she says no, he can actually use his suave, manipulative skills to turn around her decision and illicit an unsaid but evident "yes" response from her. kanna sai...if i could sweet talk my mom like that everytime i'd be getting away with murder. but because i'm not that kind of person, i flatly refuse. even when i try or i feel myself acting like that, i get disgusted and i stop my false pretences. which is why i couldn't take it anymore and left the house for a few hours on tuesday. i don't even want to talk about it, but she was siding up with him again and the trump card she brought out was really...dirty (don't get wrong ideas, i'm referring to 'dirty tactics'). that's all i will say. but i just felt like bringing this up because this is something i keep coming up against. not that this is a new thing, but lately the events have been suggesting an escalation again, which means i have to be careful they don't reach their peak, or else there's going to be another major explosion from me, because i know there is still a hidden rage in me. |
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