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read between the lines
this will prolly never last --imported from LiveJournal (since closed)--okay. so this is my virgin post in this never-used journal which i only logged in because i thought it was better than blogger..but it wasn't. but today, after a very long and fruitful spell of consistent blogging, blogger decided to go all screwy on me again. can't help thinking this is like a sign from god that i'm supposed to go offline, but i just can't seem to. so until blogger allows me to login, i am going to type some shit in here and keluarkan all this pent-up tension i have in these god-given digits. i don't really care what to type about, i just want to type. no actually i do care about something, but i shall just keep mum about it for now while i'm in LJ. so..another day in the life of yours truly. not good today, not good. for starters, i was supposed to go out. but then i woke up late because i smelled food which woke me up at 1.50pm when i originally wanted to get up at 2pm (hey i know it's late, but i'm trying, slowly...i used to get up at 3pm plus) so i shut the door and slept till...2.45pm. shite. which means my parents did not want to send me over to singapore since the petrol price-raise has really hit them hard (unlike my friend, who is so damn rich he doesn't even feel the pinch when he drives around in his car and yet he still doesn't make full use of this luxury of driving while people like me can only dream of driving down the highway on starry nights to think and talk to god about the issues of life). which meant i was stuck rotting at a half-finished home pending a till-thy-kingdom-come end date of renovation. and i really didn't feel like wasting my brain away on a game i'd been playing for a week straight until my brother lent it to his friend and didn't return it yet, so i became glued to the tv when the commonwealth games was on and i witnessed the swimming and running competitions. not that i was particularly fond of them, but maybe i was so bored that even the least bit of stimulation (i.e. the cheering crowd and the hot handicapped guy in tights who won in the swimming category) offered some form of reprieve to me. other than that i was helping my mom edit a few tracks for her worship cd thing. which did not take a long time or much creativity for that matter. cut, paste, cut, paste. after that, done. not very stimulating it was. not that it was meant to be. so i wasted another day again todaylah cos of that. that being the fact that i could not wake up in time to get my ass out of here and go do something more..productive. and then i come online now, find blogger copping out on me, feel the itch to regress back to the way i was...and then desperately, frantically try to find some sort of available distraction to sidestep the issue. i tried chatting publicly, which is something i haven't done for years already, but it was something my friend suggested when we were discussing the bare details of my long-term problem. but it didn't work. it did not take me long to remember why i stopped chatting. because nowadays the chatroom is full of horny bastards who can't wait to copulate with you or at least show you what it looks like through the lens of their webcams. and if i recall, it always takes a good deal of time in sieving out the rough diamonds from the pieces of shit. and i was too weary to do that...not to mention that i did not want to get into another net relationship again, or any for that matter right now. but then again, in the physical sense i don't have to worry because i don't have any takers (or stalkers. thank god. it's sad but i always seemed to attract the wrong crowd). but online...was a possibility. and a liability at that, considering the ones i'd been in. let's just say i wasn't a very romantic person as an inexperienced young teenager and leave it at that. besides, online just doesn't even count 'cause you've never met the damn guy. look at me. trying to live like i've got no tomorrow or like the sun won't shine for another ten hours when it will in less than four. i don't know which was better of me, the one wallowing in soul-wrenching pain, or the one numbed in semi-successful distraction. oh by the way someone said i'm "leechy", while elaborating on my despicable habit of clinging to people like a monkey to a tree. have been thinking about it lately, going through the incidents in my mind where i have found myself acting like that. and wondering if others think of me that way too. wait. they probably do, since it's practically a fact, once you get to know me, but the distinction is whether they think that's a bad thing or not. i mean i know i'm like that, and that's something god is in the process of solving, but...can my friends tolerate that part of me while i'm being perfected? how many have i turned off by displaying this habit? and how many am i starting to turn off? but then again i shouldn't really worry i guess. 'cause i suppose this is one of god's ways of showing me who my true friends really are. the truest true. i guess. *shrugs shoulders*. was reading through some of my old blog entries, especially the really despondent ones...and they bring back some memories i guess. whatever it is, there is hope at the end of the tunnel! and i just have to keep believing in it until god proves me right. i was so damn confused on saturday after all that speculation and analysing. i was left chewing on food for thought from that day's conversation for days since. and i think, i think, some of what was suggested was not true, no matter how true i wanted it to be. no matter how much i want to believe in the lie, i think it's better to stick with the truth even though it hurts. someday i'll be strong enough to walk away. but until then, i just have to keep believing in the promises god intended for me. the "what if" question still lingers in my mind like an echo that hasn't lost its bounce. but maybe i have to shut it out and throw it to the sea. |
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