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read between the lines
geram betul my mom and i go together like 5-inch nails and a white chalkboard. the screech of nails is apparently like sweet-smelling jasmine to my mom's nose.yes, we are at it again. one day after i got better from my 5 terrible days of illness. actually, she (and my dad) did engage in the usual blame game and bickering tactics when i fell ill but i thank god that it was at a much lower level than it tends to be (whether i'm sick or not is not a factor). i mean, of course there was the usual use of every old-school parents' favourite words during my course of illness, namely: "i told you so" "it's your fault for getting yourself into this" (when hello this time my sickness happened to be spurred on partly because of their carelessness too) "make us waste money going to the doctor" (like as though every patient who falls ill purposely wants to get sick) but things were, from experience, at a minimal this time (and thankfully so too, since this time when i fell ill i truly felt the worst i've felt since i was eleven). and then today the ongoing ever-present rift (it's just always there, like some nervous energy) between my mom and i just gradually got worse. i merely pointed out to my mom that i had a great dinner eating my favourite roti tampal (egg literally pasted onto roti canai, hence the malay word tampal for "paste") alone at the mamak stall across the road from their usual kopitiam hangout and even that got us into some stupid tiff about how i can always make my own fried egg at home if i wanted (then what about the dough? and so on). she just can't lose. even if she's wrong. i really hate that she refuses to give in because of her pride sometimes. and sometimes i realise i have pride issues too by refusing to play the punching bag let her "be right" even if she really isn't. it's like she can't get through the day without trying to insist on a quarrel with someone, like as though she enjoys a good fight (or at least the victory and sense of power or control that comes with it). i am commenting on the tiff we just had when we came home after dinner, all over a stupid pair of loose pants of mine which needed amendments. i got angry because for 3 weeks (i remember because i count the sundays i couldn't wear it) i had to hang my newly-bought pair of pants outside by her jewelry box because she gave her word that she would rectify it--and tonight, when finally confronted she "changed her mind" (wth?). [side issue: it sounds like some stupid curse or something but the reason why i rarely go shopping for clothes, shoes or slippers is because it is so extremely hard to find those that fit me perfectly. which is why when my last old pair of jeans tore and i had to go hunting for a new pair, i kept finding stupid trousers these days that were either too tight at the knees--the male-pleasing fashion of skin-tight clothes these days which i shall always be against--or too loose at the hips--another fashion "trend" i despise particularly when i am forced to stare at ugly buttcracks or revolting thongs all over shopping walkways.] so here i am, blowing off steam by trying to write it off in an attempt of engaging in something therapeutic as opposed to detrimental. reflecting on my actions, while i admit i could have let it go sooner, i am glad i eventually did anyway by choosing to walk away and stop pursuing the matter (even though i was mad lah, of course). while there were times where i felt things had the potential to blow up (this was one of them), i am glad god is giving me at least the control to diffuse it (for now) and think clearly. so thank you lord and i pray you will continue to work at giving me a 'longer' fuse (as opposed to a short fuse) in future. parents. you either love them or hate them. there are no in-betweens. |
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