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read between the lines
what i learnt this week something from my past -- the fifth to date, since the new year -- returned to plague me again today. of course i was affected initially. of course it did perturb me and it got me thinking, as i did for the other four, will history keep repeating itself? and is there no new future for me, no start of 'the new has come and the old has gone'?but then the words from a friend (or at least what i interpreted from them) on thursday drifted into my mind: maybe the inward change that i've been seeking and hoping for this new year is supposed to rise out of the same set of circumstances i've been encountering, not new ones. i am decidedly more hopeful and prone to thoughts of joy nowadays; my issue is that i fail to let them register in my mind and choose instead to dwell longer on the negative than on the positive, having been so used to the routine of the former and not the latter yet. by doing so, i gave the impression i was serving a god who didn't love me, who was more focused on whipping me into perfection instead of really caring about me, i was told today. which, of course, when put that way, is absurd because it just makes the truth more glaringly obvious than ever. i had forgotten that whatever i do reflects, either accurately or inaccurately, the character of the god i serve. the second thing that god made me realise this week, in my own time with Him, was the root cause of why i was feeling so disturbed, unsettled and troubled for most of this past week: underlying guilt -- an issue i fought with and won, but failed to hold victory ground on, two years ago. and the thing was, i felt guilty for the stupidest of reasons, once god pointed them out to me. they weren't feelings of guilt born out of the holy spirit's conviction that i needed to set things right; they were born out of imagined fears and insecurities, more so. mostly i just felt guilty whenever i screwed up after getting frustrated for screwing up. i guess it's easier to accord blame onto myself than onto anyone else because i'm the only one who can't run away from me and i suppose growing up being constantly blamed for everything as a result of my responsibilities, as the oldest child, to take the heat only helped to encourage that kind of thinking. but old habits die hard and more importantly, if i am not secure (in christ) i cannot be immune to innocuously-disguised guilt attacks and joy robbers. and how to rest secure in Him consistently is something i'm still learning to do and need to do, if i am to ever take hold of this life and live it victoriously, instead of merely surviving enough to make it through each day. |
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