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read between the lines
Monday, March 31, 2008
one month milestone
i can't believe it's already been one month to the day i made the pledge to re-learn what it was like to depend wholly on god. what started out as a tentative one-week trial has managed, only by god's grace and the result of people's prayers including my own, to spill over into four weeks. i cannot imagine how else i would've made it this far (and still hope to make it further). going cold turkey the first week was one of the hardest things to do in my life, but persistence in enforcing discipline gave way to making the routine easier and easier to get into.
in a weird way, the checkpoint jam has been a form of answered prayer because now, i truly have less time to kill in s'pore, which makes it (time) a precious commodity and therefore causes me to spend it wisely with god =).
and the terrible bout of flu (which i still haven't fully recovered from) i had since good friday which caused me to put off travelling to church or work until thursday was also a blessing in disguise, because i secretly relished the opportunity to get sufficient sleep each day and rest my injured feet. haha. unfortunately, my split heel which had healed returned to being cracked by friday due to the unusually dry climate in my workplace...and so did the cuts underneath my toes and whatnot, but at least i've now got ellgy with me.
there's nothing like a good night's sleep (several nights, rather) to recharge the body and uplift one's mood, hence my positive outlook this week in start contrast to last week's. looking back on this past month, i am pleased to see signs of providence as a result of choosing to solely trust in god. people i want to talk to (or wasn't thinking about but lost contact with) bump into me out of nowhere (read: without me having to do anything to "make things right") and the kindness of strangers have seen to my needs for those moments.
the lady letting me finish her wantan mee before making a trip to the ATM to pay her, the guy offering me a seat when we were all stuck in a bus that crawled only a few inches an hour, the guy at the checkpoint's thumbprint access area letting me through so i could get 'unharmed' into one of the queuing lines at the other end...all unknowingly acting as god's extended hands and feet.
another blessing this week is having gotten one more piece of the puzzle in my fractured relationship with my dad, last night. we had another one of those tiffs in the car again after dinner and his last retort was "your motor mouth always has to have to have the last word" to which i honestly objected and said "it's not about the last word, i just want to know." i was referring to knowing what the situation we were arguing about was actually like, for a miscommunication had happened earlier and it obviously cost me something so i was trying to backtrack and figure out what went wrong where.
almost immediately, it just hit me that i really wanted to know something else more. suddenly i just understood what was going on -- he was throwing barbs at me when what i really wanted was reassurance. reassurance that things would be okay and as i reflected on that revelation in the bath later, i realised that this could be applied to all our major quarrels. after a lull in discord of a few months, lately we've gradually returned to butting heads more often.
all my life i have been expecting him to act like a father and more often than not he fails me. so what could i do next, now knowing what i was really looking for and knowing that he would never be able to meet that need because that's just how he is as a person? the obvious conclusion is that i would have to, firstly, recognise when i'm needing that need in the midst of each quarrel and secondly, to find that need in god, my only possible perfect Father in heaven.
it so happened that a friend was talking about a u2 song earlier in the day, which i think is the reason i next started thinking of another song by them (below) i recently heard again last week on tv. mincay3, who 'happened' to be online (again, another example of divine providence cos i wanted to ask him about the song anyway), told me bono wrote it for his dad who passed away in 2001. further research online informed me that bono's relationship with his dad was strained in a typically irish father-son way and that his dad had succumbed to lung cancer.
and i had no idea the song was about a father! so the lyrics really ministered to me at such an apt time.
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
by U2 Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own We fight all the time
You and I
That’s alright, we’re the same soul
I don’t need, I don’t need to hear you say
That if we weren’t so alike
You’d like me a whole lot more Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own I know that we don’t talk
I’m sick of it all
Can you hear me when I sing?
You're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me Where are we now?
Still gotta let you know
A house doesn't make a home
Don’t leave me here alone And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
Best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sunday, March 23, 2008
checkpoint woes
god has really been testing my limits these past few weeks. the human jam at the checkpoint -- the thing i've feared and dreaded the most -- is something i've had to contend with every day since that terrorist guy escaped.
it used to be that people who owned thumbprint cards could escape the crowd 'cause the lanes were usually nearly empty and it didn't take long to get people through. but ever since 'prison break', whenever i arrive from the hour-long vehicle jam on the causeway i am greeted by the frightening sight of people overflowing out of the thumbprint access area. people who push and shove like nobody's business just to get into the queues (the metal railings that prevent the entire crowd from becoming a free-for-all the way the stampede for the 170 bus at jb customs is like).
just after i made it through that phase and thought the worst was over, some anonymous imbecile trips me just at the bottom of the escalators and i nearly fall. obviously angry, i yell in annoyance only to find that the culprit has escaped in the other direction. here i am, already taking pains to go down the escalator quickly with my split and cracked heel, and here this idiot is doing a 'trip-and-run' on me. at that point i seriously thought twice about going to work.
thank god i somehow went eventually -- thanks to my mom's co-praying. seriously, if anyone wants to be tested on the virtue of patience they should go through the daily hell that is the customs-checkpoint at peak hour that i go through. it really takes an even-tempered person or a person to eventually buckle to the virtues of patience and love to endure this kind of lifestyle on a long-term basis.
thankfully, from tuesday onwards the crowd and the jam was noticeably lighter. i took two hours to come home daily -- still a lot, considering i normally take an hour and a quarter, but it's an improvement i suppose. unfortunately the crowd at thumbprint area never seems to clear, but i am grateful that there have been moments where i arrive when the crowd is just only starting to overflow and am therefore able to get into a queue before all hell breaks loose.
one perturbation which i found amusing only on hindsight was the case of the smiling cheat on tuesday. a diminutive, middle-aged lady who targeted me twice -- once at the thumbprint access queue and the other, at the bus queue -- would amble up to the space next to me, flash a smile and cut my queue. the first time i refused to budge and she started to wobble sideways as if she wanted to pass, so i let her through to join some other queue on my left.
the second time she just flashed the same smile, as if to say "hehe, i'm going to cut your queue okay? hehe," and just deftly slipped in front of me before i could budge. not to be outdone, i promptly stepped in front of her and lined up like before. she might be short and old, but after spending some hard-earned minutes just to line my way through the queue to get this near to the bus, it boggles my mind how she justifies a winning smile as a valid ticket for playing unfair. heck, if that was the case i'd be smiling my way through the customs!
thursday was the only other incident that pissed me off. i was finally at the front of the line, waiting for the next person to scan his thumb and get through, when this korrenga pokes his index finger insistently on my shoulder and asks me to slot in my card. in general, i despise being touched by strangers -- for all i know he could have scratched his butt or picked his nose with that finger.
i try to explain that if i do that, my card will get jammed in the slot because it's happened before several times...and this recalcitrant tries to argue. i ended up defending my point right until i was in there scanning my thumb. thank god i didn't have more time to stand around and chit-chat, 'cause if i did i would've just blown my top and done something really uncharacteristic of a christian.
with regards to my health, the cut in my heel finally closed up on wednesday and the cracks around it healed considerably when i rested at home on friday and saturday but unfortunately, i came down with the flu friday morning and have been gradually getting worse with the exception of the past few hours since i've taken stronger medication.
amidst all this, it is good to have good friday and easter sunday remind me that all i am going through now is temporal and eternal life in a perfect heavenly body and a perfect world is in store for me, as shown by christ risen on the cross.
as this week approached, i couldn't help but be reminded of what happened last easter. but almost immediately i was reminded that easter is about hope, not hurt and about promise, not pain. and hope that i will one day realise in my heart that the strong sense of injustice i feel whenever someone has wronged me, be it at the checkpoint, at home or at work, will be vindicated by my god at the right time as he sees fit.
and so the fourth week of checkpoint woes continues.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
god uses tired people too
it's been the most exhausting and tiring week in terms of returning home, all because of one man and one really effective country (only in terms of damage control). i also experienced my longest commute home ever on tuesday: three and a half hours -- i even took a taxi back halfway and walked for an hour with a split (not just cracked) heel so it could've been four and a half. and i thought last week's two hours and three quarters was bad.
to top that, the daily trip in has gotten worse in terms of people overflowing out of the entry point (the thumbprint access area at the checkpoint) on the other side. my toes literally got stepped on, someone used rockson tan's vocabulary and i got pushed and shoved roughly a number of times -- my biggest fear related to having to travel in and out.
i was late for work the first two days, and although i was on time for the remaining three that i woke up earlier for, it was still not early enough to curb the uncouth men pushing me real hard just so they could get deeper in. on top of that i was sleeping an average of four to five hours a night yet managing to stay awake during work (except for lunch breaks).
i really thank god i was blessed with an extra amount of grace this week because otherwise, i would've just given up and stopped coming for work, in between intermittent breakouts of swearing (which has happened before). the inner peace that calmed my heart, even when all the above calamities happened around me, was incredible, rare and something i hope will increase in future.
a lot of grace and power was bestowed upon me as well as i learnt to deal, second week on, with one of my fears -- although i confess that consuming chocolate ice-cream pies and hot tea daily is now a must, haha.
i was also given an opportunity to minister to someone and bump into two familiar faces this week, without even having to lift a finger...how cool is that? today also marks one of the rare days in my calendar that i didn't actually have to wake up early and go down (past the checkpoint), so i'm really glad for that too.
here's to being faithful in continuing this journey of knowing God more and seeing Him at work, next week.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
sun after the rain
i'm so relieved i made it through this week. tomorrow still beckons though, but like i (have to) keep telling myself, it's just one more day...on the other hand, i don't just wanna live life as a series of hurdles that must be overcome, 'cause if that's the case then life's not worth living for at all. but perhaps this is just the teething stage when everything hurts because things haven't had time to settle yet.
this week has probably been the first time in quite a while since i've gone out and confronted one of my fears. bad memories can do a lot of damage if one allows their negative connotations with previously neutral experiences to fester unawares which, turns out, is what i've been doing. but i'm certain the statement that god makes all things beautiful in His time wasn't just said for the sake of creating another cliche.
if there's anything i've realised this past week it's that things are finally starting to work out in my life, but i've been so caught up in the past that i haven't noticed, or rather i just didn't want to believe it...that life could possibly hold more promise for me than shattered dreams and unattainable desires.
i would've love to say i conquered the week and every mountain felt like a molehill, but that wasn't the case...and were it not for grace i often felt i never deserved to experience, i would've just given up and reverted to my old self. many times i nearly caved in...but it is precisely during times like those that god (not my emotions or other things) is truly god of my life, showing Himself to be most powerful in my weakness (2 corinthians 12:9) by reigning over and taking control of my life, when i let Him.
i can only pray i learn to trust and allow Him to rule my heart more often.
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