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read between the lines
re: reaching for the other side for the first two of the past three weeks i have been waking up everyday with only one repetitive thought: "my life sucks". it is a horrible feeling and i can think of wanting nothing more than that which is currently unattainable -- mutual company. everyday felt like i was bored out of my wits, just waiting to die.and then the second day of last week changed somewhat. i actually started to feel better. and then the following weekdays started to get better with the injection of comic relief thanks to ace's hilarious dance routine. and then yesterday it was all back to normal and i felt like shit again. eventually i started asking god why life was starting to feel like a drag, why it was being sucked out of all pleasure like a dry well, why just about the only things that felt worth doing were hanging out with people (or dogs) i like and having them like me back, which was something i obviously couldn't create or force. the answer i stumbled upon was unlikely: i am afraid of dying, i think that my time on earth here is limited and in response, i seem to be trying to milk my life for all its worth by spending time (or trying to) with the things that matter most to me: people(or my dogs, which i shall include as 'people' from this paragraph onwards). and therefore i think everything else in life doesn't matter or is not as significant, and that i am just killing time in between the moments of being in the company of someone i like. so how do i find significance and therefore joy and contentment in these in-between moments? how do i not equate watching dvds to rotting away for hours and with the dawning realisation that the conversations i was made a part of and connection i felt from those conversations are all fictional? how do i not see gaming as a liability for me in which i lose my time, sleep and efforts building or fighting something that ceases to exist the minute i snap out of it or accomplish the purpose of the game? how do i not regard sleeping as a complete waste of time in which i lose the precious commodity of consciousness which is all but present the minute i die (assuming that we all 'fall asleep' till jesus' coming)? i can't even throw myself into work and start staying in long hours to receive the satisfaction of real fruit being borne in the real world, because my desk-bound job has actually become a hazard for me due to overly bright lighting and bad posture, thereby creating backaches (which i recently fixed by buying and assembling my own ergonomically-better chair) and eyeaches (which i am still in the process of alleviating by lowering the monitor's brightness and not using the computer for so long -- which basically means not working since most of my work is computer-based). i can't pound my soul out on the piano or make lilting tunes from the heart emanate from it because i don't have one in a conducive (read: private) environment. the only close thing i have is a rented piano at the esplanade, which is not always available, and even then there's a notice on the wall saying i can't play too loud or it'll disturb the readers in the inconviently-situated reading room adjacent to the piano room (i noted that this notice only appeared after a particularly noisy evening of me cranking out fast planetshakers tunes and coming out to find the whole reading room empty). and i certainly can't make people reciprocate feelings of mutuality for me -- heck i can't even get my dog out from under the car when he wants to be left alone. my friends are so fed up with me that they're either not free to meet me or refer me to other avenues (why don't you get psychiatric help? or why don't you hang out with the others? are the most common), which i obviously would've tried on my own if i wanted to or if they actually worked. my mind also worked on the following tangents: assuming we do not fall asleep until jesus comes again and we go straight to heaven and see our dead relatives and jesus himself instead, if that life is so much more marvellous than this one then does it really matter whatever we do here? what does god view as significant? if he views helping others and loving him as significant, why did he create opportunities for such a lot of downtime when i can't do the former or when it feels sucky doing it? if the downtimes are there as opportunities to love him and know him more, how do i do so and how is he known more by me filling up my time with personal pastimes? it cannot possibly be that i should keep occupying my time with things to do that i find no joy doing, because that would contradict his intention for me to live an abundant life, i.e. to really 'live' and not merely subsist in resignation to a shell i am condemned to until the bodily death i fear of claims me eventually, right? so how do i resolve this? i got stuck at this point and haven't been able to get past it since. but then again it's only been a day. and weirdly enough, i feel less repelled by having my time filled up by these 'insignificant' activities. maybe god's been changing my heart if he didn't at least change my head. |
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