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read between the lines
re: who i am Beautiful Day by U2 Shoots up through the stony ground There's no room No space to rent in this town You're out of luck And the reason that you had to care The traffic is stuck And you're not moving anywhere You thought you'd found a friend To take you out of this place Someone you could lend a hand In return for grace It's a beautiful day Sky falls, you feel like It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away You're on the road But you've got no destination You're in the mud In the maze of her imagination You love this town Even if that doesn't ring true You've been all over And it's been all over you It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away It's a beautiful day Touch me Take me to that other place Teach me I know I'm not a hopeless case See the world in green and blue See China right in front of you See the canyons broken by cloud See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out See the Bedouin fires at night See the oil fields at first light And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth After the flood all the colors came out It was a beautiful day Don't let it get away Beautiful day Touch me Take me to that other place Reach me I know I'm not a hopeless case What you don't have you don't need it now What you don't know you can feel it somehow What you don't have you don't need it now Don't need it now Was a beautiful day -- whenever i feel like crap at work these days (including today -- days where the imagery of an exhausted me crawling to the side of a flat surface to "lay down and die" comes to mind), i listen to beautiful day and remind myself not to let such a beautiful day get away. it's been an informative past couple of weeks in terms of discovering myself, my inner workings from the perspective of the creator. i was in kl again this weekend, on a plane (for the trip up) on my own again. the view of my land from the top was really something, though it wasn't as awesome as when i left from sg two weeks back. at the time, i was struck by a sense of irony that i was leaving to leave the pain behind, only to realise that sg is a really awesome place from the viewpoint in the skies. it was like sim city, only for real, and every building housed hundreds of tiny people -- i had kind of forgotten life wasn't all about me, myself and i until i saw that. just before i left, i received 2 personal revelations: 1) when i'm stressed about the now (the anxiety of the present moment slipping away because i'm under the impression that i am not being productive with my time), i should think about the future (the big picture, what my goals are in life) -- and vice versa (e.g. when i'm freaking out because my future is uncertain, i should just focus on the next immediate step in life). 2) i shouldn't just give up (read: indefinitely postpone) on something simply because i know i'm going to face strong opposition by undertaking it (e.g. taking up intercessory prayer again), because if i keep putting it off i'll never do it and eventually i'll never get to do it (e.g. i'll be dead by then and though i might pray in heaven i wouldn't get to exercise my faith as much as i would've had the chance to while on earth). i started reading two more chapters on codependent no more, the only book i could find here so far that was specifically geared towards codependency, and it gave me a somewhat clearer picture of why i am so possessive (as opposed to obsessive), as my psych last told me. the book had a full list identifying how a codependent might behave and 99% of it was so me (when i'm in possessive mode). it was such a relief to read through the case studies and know that i wasn't the only one who was thinking i was going crazy because i seemed to be the only nutter around here (a fact i nullified when i picked up ethan hawke's debut novel the hottest state at the library one serendipitous day in may -- the protagonist acted and felt a whole lot like me). i was sold the minute i saw chapter 1's title, "jessica's story". the author, melody beattie, began by explaining that codependency comes in many forms and is thus not a one-description-fits-all problem. but the common thread between the various types of codependents is that they've all had, at some point of their lives, to take care of someone who was out of control (e.g. alcoholic, mentally ill person, rebellious child, etc.) and through time, developed a mechanism of coping, which worked initially but ultimately became a mentally unhealthy way to cope with life. the other common denominator was that codependents were all brought up in families that did not encourage honest or open expressions of feelings. i also noted the trait that codependents tended to attract other codependents to them and might possibly have been co-dependees themselves. all this of course evoked some reflection and i came to the realisation that all this was true. i mean, i didn't have to take care of anyone in serious trouble, but i did 'take care' of a friend whose trust i betrayed once (due to peer pressure of all things), ultimately regretted and later vowed to make up for it by sticking as close to this friend as i could thereafter (i have blogged about said friend here before). as i came to think of it, that was when this whole cycle of codependency really started, not when i came to sg but before it already. like the book said, it might have helped for me to 'check up' on this friend and keep this friend accountable in the initial stages, but as my friend got better i found i was unable to break this already-formed habit and found myself still distrusting this friend to make the right decision for this friend's self. but of course the pre-cursor to this was that my parents themselves were overly codependent (basically jargon for being overprotective) on me, so i already learnt the basics there. it is actually difficult now to believe how bad things used to be, but they were (my childhood/teenage-hood friends can attest to that -- enough said). i also agree with the fact that codependency attracts codependency. logically thinking, i should be happy that i have company in a fellow co-dependent, but so far i've just found them either to be a burden or just plain creepy. even before the codependent colleague and schoolmate found me, i gradually remembered this: all the mentally ill people seemed to flock to me at my old church. at this point i have to explain: i might be a clingy, loserly weakling who looks nothing like a caretaker, but on the other hand it is this unhealthy obsession with the person i am clinging to that makes me want to be overly involved in their lives and want to 'take care' of their affairs. this is not to be confused with the normal concern for others that does not affect my life so much that it debilitates me by disrupting my daily routines in life. the punchline of what i read so far is that us codependents have been trying to take care of everyone else but ourselves, that we know what the other person's problem is and how to solve it but we don't know what ours is or if we even have a problem, nor how to solve it if we do. so it's time we started taking care of ourselves (or, i would think, in the christian context: it's time i started trusting god to take care of me and the people around me). that was the one thing that opened my eyes to the truth.
who i am i think the reason why i am who i am is finally becoming clear to me.last year, it dawned on me that of course i would feel lonely, since i spend most of my waking moments in an foreign land, killing time when i would rather be at home doing my own thing. (yet it is this foreign land that offers me the spending capacity, independence and spiritual growth that i might never be able to find on home soil.) this year, it's now dawning on me that i would feel lonely because i feel out of place. nowhere really is a stable 'home' for me. and it will always be this way, because of the choices i make. choices i make to follow paths that are just plain different from everyone else, hence the alienation. it's the price i pay for choosing to be unique/my own person. and i will continue to keep paying that price, because i will keep believing it is worth it to have been me, and to continue to be me. to listen to the music that i do, to dress in the attire that i deck myself out in, to be interested in the area of service that i am in. to work in the country that i work in, to remain a citizen of the country i was born in, to be impulsive in going places like i always have been. speaking of which, i purchased a plane ticket and boarded a flight for the first time on my own terms. (i would've done so sooner had i known there was another way to get tickets on the cheap without the use of a credit card, which i currently do not own.) it felt a bit like the first time i drove on my own...the sweet taste of independence. haha. i also finally got myself a circular-shaped armchair because i could finally afford it (although i got one at the cheaper end of the scale so it's a little small for me to dangle my legs over its arms without having to crunch my stomach so much). but back to my point, i find this contradiction between my feelings/mood and my cravings/appetite that frustrates and depresses me when i find myself unable to do anything about it. for some reason, when i am hard at work, i get these cravings to engage in solitary activities or accomplish personal goals like cleaning up my room back home. i feel like there is not enough time to do the things i want to do. then, when i enter into the timeslot of the day allocated to leisure, i lose my appetite for all of the above. i feel like there is too much time to do the things i want to do, such that it would feel like a chore to go through each activity. and the only thing i feel like doing at that time is talking to someone who gets me. i don't think that this has only to do with my energy levels, the circadian rhythm, the greener appeal of the grass on the other side or the fight-for-independence stage of my life. all these explanations seem incomplete to me. and i am falling asleep now so i will stop here.
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