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read between the lines
who i am i think the reason why i am who i am is finally becoming clear to me.last year, it dawned on me that of course i would feel lonely, since i spend most of my waking moments in an foreign land, killing time when i would rather be at home doing my own thing. (yet it is this foreign land that offers me the spending capacity, independence and spiritual growth that i might never be able to find on home soil.) this year, it's now dawning on me that i would feel lonely because i feel out of place. nowhere really is a stable 'home' for me. and it will always be this way, because of the choices i make. choices i make to follow paths that are just plain different from everyone else, hence the alienation. it's the price i pay for choosing to be unique/my own person. and i will continue to keep paying that price, because i will keep believing it is worth it to have been me, and to continue to be me. to listen to the music that i do, to dress in the attire that i deck myself out in, to be interested in the area of service that i am in. to work in the country that i work in, to remain a citizen of the country i was born in, to be impulsive in going places like i always have been. speaking of which, i purchased a plane ticket and boarded a flight for the first time on my own terms. (i would've done so sooner had i known there was another way to get tickets on the cheap without the use of a credit card, which i currently do not own.) it felt a bit like the first time i drove on my own...the sweet taste of independence. haha. i also finally got myself a circular-shaped armchair because i could finally afford it (although i got one at the cheaper end of the scale so it's a little small for me to dangle my legs over its arms without having to crunch my stomach so much). but back to my point, i find this contradiction between my feelings/mood and my cravings/appetite that frustrates and depresses me when i find myself unable to do anything about it. for some reason, when i am hard at work, i get these cravings to engage in solitary activities or accomplish personal goals like cleaning up my room back home. i feel like there is not enough time to do the things i want to do. then, when i enter into the timeslot of the day allocated to leisure, i lose my appetite for all of the above. i feel like there is too much time to do the things i want to do, such that it would feel like a chore to go through each activity. and the only thing i feel like doing at that time is talking to someone who gets me. i don't think that this has only to do with my energy levels, the circadian rhythm, the greener appeal of the grass on the other side or the fight-for-independence stage of my life. all these explanations seem incomplete to me. and i am falling asleep now so i will stop here.
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