|
|
|
read between the lines
the answer is wait i have no words that can describe how dejected and disappointed in myself i feel today. i am so pissed i bought a diary yesterday and ended up throwing it away because the whole noble attempt to rewrite and transcribe history (without the empty pages in between) backfired and made me feel worse (i ended up re-discovering the reason why someone stopped speaking to me last year, which i somehow managed to forget).i am so pissed i failed to wake up on time today and by the time i did, it was too late to go to work. i am so pissed that i felt like crap and so not like getting out of bed during my second attempt to get to work today. it was cold, raining and the prospect of a ton of work (my own and someone else's) awaiting me was a killer combination to my subconscious, half-asleep mind. coming back after a week's break was such an anti-climax. if this was a controlled setting, or a happy-ending movie, i would've come back from the break rejuvenated and refreshed, with a spring in my step and a greater resolve to be the best damn worker i could ever be, and this would thus play itself out and i would get promoted and everyone would be so proud of me. but unfortunately, this is the real life, in which i come back from work tired at being made to go early to work due to transportation problems, and not only do i have my own work to catch up on but i also have to cover for my colleague who went on a week-long holiday the day i went back to work. and no, i do not get promoted for my work, nor do my efforts get acknowledged (and i am not just talking about this week, i am talking about the entire two months i spent covering people at the end of last year and having my own work suffer as a result of it). as an added bonus, i now work amongst people i'd rather not see anymore because of unpleasant experiences with them. i feel so insecure and alone in my fight for personal freedom from being led along by feelings. i made an appointment to finally see a proper psychiatrist today, and found out i'd have to wait for a whole month till he was free. the same thing happened when i finally sent my 2-year-old roll of professional film for developing (as in i still had to wait, but the wait would last a week). waiting, waiting, waiting. waiting to get things done, waiting for me to get better, waiting for the world to change. i waited for an answer on my last day of my break in kl, waited till i fell asleep. when i woke up, i still didn't have an answer to my problems. all i've been doing is firefighting the immediate needs, while having the long-term needs build up in the background. that's what's been happening so far and i see now that i can't keep firefighting as long as the root problem isn't solved, if i really want this problem to go away once and for all. "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end."that's the verse a friend's just sent me. sigh. help me out god, i really hate waiting. |
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}