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read between the lines
status update anyway, from then until now, life's been yet another bend and a curve. or should i say a curve and a bend, and now i'm trying to bend the curve before i nosedive...again.my friend was right, i was right; it was a fad and i did get over the latest 'cling', much sooner than before. i did recover from my choking cough and sore throat, though it took three long weeks and it felt like forever when i was going through it (i kept going "how long, god, how long?" in resignation 'cause my gastric pains started returning too). all i know is i woke up the wednesday after my last post and i could feel my strength returning -- a clear difference from all the other days. it was at that point that i knew i was going to get better from then onwards, and i did. and as i got better, my confidence level increased. my sound mind returned, i was better able to get a handle on work (and on my overseas boss, more notably). my managers felt more assured that i wasn't going to bail on them. and by the time i saw the psychiatrist, which was last thursday, he couldn't even tell that there was anything wrong with me. in fact, i seemed to have fooled him so well that he didn't think i'd had depression. this, coming from a man who has written a book on depression describing the very symptoms i've gone through. i found myself agreeing to see him for a second appointment when he asked if i wanted to because i felt god wasn't done with this yet, although objectively speaking, it really looks as if i paid someone nearly a hundred bucks just to give common sense advice to me. apparently we had been in the same bookstore during lunchtime the day before, without knowing who we were. later on, in my hometown of all places, i found his book sitting in the religion section. i think i am paying him more for the accountability. he said i had a dependent personality, and as my homework, he would like me to: -listen to worship songs at least half an hour before going straight into prayer during quiet time each day -exercise three times a week (we settled on cycling) -focus more on relationships with females (still alien to me, hence the technical term for this species) he also asked me to re-prioritise my desires in life, and to put god back at number one. so far i've only done the third, because i was doing it already when i came in to see him. and again i am starting to see the same results i got from previously attempting this at the start of last year. as we move past the pleasantries, she starts to bitch about other people and tries to get me to take sides. and this is always a thorny issue because for some reason or other, the people that these bitches -- okay, girls -- bitch about are usually the people i like more than hate (or at least have a neutral feeling about them). as i was starting to grapple with that, a little intermission called the weekend just passed. i witnessed a friend (the first in my circle of close friends) get married. i spent quality bonding time with my mother during the wedding (and as we walked around the interesting venue). out of nowhere, a friend from out-of-town drops by to meet up with me and another from childhood does the same -- a nice break from the boredom of spending time alone with myself. i witnessed two intimate worship services of my church's pioneer (revamped) ministry, the second of which fell along this same weekend and the most intimate moment being when i was singing the chorus of "lord i give you my heart". i looked around at the young people worshipping god in the solemn dim lighting, felt my heart strangely stirred as it resonated with the words i sang and realised that this was where i really wanted to be -- i felt so safe in that moment. and then at the start of this week as i innocently frequent a particular swedish furniture store to look for a reading chair, i also walk over to the mall across the road whose one shop had a rather disturbing view...and that caused the invisible gears into my mind to spin out of their grooves. next thing i knew, i was a wreck again. so what happened? "He never ever saw it coming at all He never ever saw it coming at all He never ever saw it coming at all... Hey open wide, here comes original sin Hey open wide, here comes original sin (aeroplane noise) Hey open wide, here comes original sin... Power to the people We don't want it, we want pleasure And the TVs try to rape us and I guess that they're succeeding And we're going to these meetings but we're not doin' any meetin' And we're trying to be faithful but we're cheatin', cheatin', cheatin'..." it's so strange but i never saw regina spektor's lyrics to hero in this way until tonight (it's friday night now and i'm re-editing this post) when i just happened to click 'play' on this song (it's been one of my favourites ever since it appeared in that dramatic scene in 500 days of summer). and i finally understand what the aeroplane noise she makes is: it's like when a mother is trying to feed her toddler on a high chair and she pretends the spoon is an aeroplane whizzing into the kid's oral cavity. so here i am, at the crossroads again. i have, serendipitously, a temporary gang of friends borrowed from mincaye (another out-of-town friend) for the weekend, a third service in which the pioneer cell groups for this revamped ministry hold their first meeting, and a clean break away from what led my mind astray in the first place. what will i do? (sounds so wwjd.) guess i'll find out soon enough.
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