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read between the lines
my suffering has a name shortly after this post, i confessed to my cell group (during sharing time) that i was in a struggle of finding my identity. i didn't know who i was, because i felt like a nobody when i felt i wasn't needed or of use. two weeks later, my cg leader reminded my of my "identity crisis" during a serendipitous (okay providential, if that's more religiously correct) meeting in which i spilled the beans on the ex-friend situation.during the week that followed, on a particularly discouraging evening, i "stumbled upon" this booklet. and just like that, my (and my cg's) prayers were answered. i made the startling discovery of who i am now and why i have been feeling this way for years: i have codependency issues. i couldn't tear my eyes off that booklet even though it was getting late and i had work the next day because its description of codependent tendencies and coping mechanisms was chillingly familiar. and that night i was forced to admit the ugliness of myself and see my faults for what they really were: a genuine and realistic assessment of who i was in words i had previously been unable to put together. i am referring to this bit especially:
so basically i have been a lying manipulator as much as i hate to admit it, i've just been in denial all these years. i've fooled myself (and probably some people) so well i didn't even realise this is what i really am. it's not what i am in the future, but it's what i am now, and now that i know this i need to stop it. i just need to remember it though (it's not like i'm conscious that i'm manipulating someone when i'm in the act of manipulating them). i started searching up on codependency yesterday after i codepended on that someone and saw this that made sense too (not all criteria fit my bill, but a good number of them do). i mean the term codependency has resonated with me before but i didn't know it was a complex disorder, i thought it was just some adjective you use to describe someone clingy. i mean it all makes sense, and i feel depressed/experience a stunted recovery of depression because i fail to break the cycle of codependency. finally my suffering/depression has a name and a reason. only question now is: how do i recover? i've got a little guide here but i'm not entirely sure how to get there. i think i'm at step 5 of the 12-step recovery programme (i know, i thought that was only for alcoholics too). celebrate recovery seems like the perfect thing except it doesn't exist in this part of the world -- the main book was even sold out at one of the bookstores i checked out today. my support person today had this bit of wisdom to share: that it's a change of my heart (from god) that's going to break the cycle and not so much how much self-control i can apply (to resist the urge to cling). and that the void of emptiness in my heart can only be filled by god through learning to enjoy being alone (but not really alone because He's there), so i should keep on keeping at it (that's the hard part -- i almost always feel like i can't survive on my own). maybe it's a good thing i've to wait for my clinical appointment, so at least it gives me time to figure out what's wrong in me that needs fixing, otherwise i'd be wasting my time (and money) over several sessions trying to identify which issue is more pressing than the rest that needs to be resolved.
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