|
|
|
read between the lines
weak in crisis indeed i'm back to hating myself again. it's hard to love yourself when you see yourself making the same mistake again, and watching not just yourself but others suffer the consequences of your mistakes.i got up saturday for worship practice angry that i was still as sick as a dog and not being able to recall when was the last time i ever had a sore throat last this long (usually a 1-2 day affair, this one was so bad it lasted a whole fricking 6 days and i still have leftover phlegm and dryness of throat even after that) that came with a choking cough i only ever recall being so bad that was back in 2004 when it lasted 3 weeks. the dull stomach ache was also present. speaking made my throat worse, so i went through practice like a mute kid whose strength is half-gone. got a little irritated when my fellow keyboardist kept asking me why i was so emo. halfway through i realised i should probably at least try to enjoy worship (after all, i still got to play even though i was sick probably 'cause i didn't tell anyone), although i didn't really get to. in fact after that the emo comment became a self-fulfilling prophecy. by the time worship ended i was insecure. i ended up doing what i've done all these years when i'm insecure -- i clung to the nearest person that gives me a sense of security. and i felt really bad for doing that, and it looked so obvious to others (plus the fact that i did the exact same thing last week) that it made it even worse, yet i couldn't seem to stop. i half-felt like leaving before i could cling but the other half eventually won because i couldn't bear the pain of doing the right thing -- which is to just walk away. i still don't get it -- shouldn't the right thing make you feel good because your consience is clear? yet i always suffer a pain that lingers for days whenever i do what's right. anyway later that night when i was still sick and choking away i came across this:
i mean i'd seen thessalonians before earlier that day (or was it the night before), but it wasn't the CEV version (it was the "give thanks in all circumstances" version, which is a tougher call). that gave me some hope, so it was what i started doing. i had a violent choke around one hour after i fell asleep and i went why are you doing this to me, God? in my half-asleep state but that was all. right after that i felt like my throat was less sore. day (or should i say pre-dawn) came and the less-sore feeling lingered. and my dull stomach ache was gone! i felt strength returning to my bones and did a little dance in front of the mirror. arrived at church early because my family had driven us there. i wanted them (well at least my parents) to come and see what i was doing, the type of life i was having here. the excitement built up as we rehearsed and culminated in a climax when service actually started. after that i was in my safe zone what with good company and good feeding of the Word...and it was a really nice surprise having the lead pastor pop by our table after lunch and engage my family and i in conversation (he's never said hi to me before). i also got to introduce my mother to my cell group and the youth pastor responsible for me ending up in this 'second home' church, and that was nice too...but after that things just started souring up. my brother started grumbling about being hungry so we had to leave (he didn't want to eat there but wanted mall food instead). after leaving church, we braved horns from typically inconsiderate s'porean male drivers in bigger cars than us to eventually find a parking spot at the nearby mall and are unbuckling our seats when my brother went all prodigal son on us and asked mom to hand him his passport because he wanted to go back. of course we were all expressing our disbelief, and he kept denying he even wanted the mall and when i argued he yelled "shut up" and i lost it and yelled at him to shut up too. it pisses me off how he still manages to push my buttons when i least expect it even though we're already past the kiddy age. anyway i felt guilty for that and when my driving mom lost her direction and started panicking while asking me for help i lost my temper with her too because i was already feeling condemned (if that makes any sense). i got home to sleep it off while my brother went off to meet whoever it is who was worth more than quality bonding time with the family...but when i woke up and reviewed the fact that a really good morning (and early afternoon) just passed me by, of course i cried. because it was over and the immediate future (dread of work) didn't look too exciting. it was almost like a rerun of the night i returned from church camp and post-camp vacationing. i couldn't find it in me to go to work the next day and face my giant (basically this really panicky, fretful, hyperventilative overseas boss (who comes from a country with a high suicide rates and insane pace of life, not that that's an excuse for her) who can't wait to harass me when i return) but i was forced to, eventually, yesterday. and boy was i in for it. i've no idea why i keep coming across these characters in my life so often -- the panicky, fretful, hyperventilative kind. and i always get pissed when i do, because i either become influenced by their behaviour or i feel extremely stressed trying to stem the tide and prevent myself from becoming like them. this time it was the latter. i was so broken down yesterday and today trying to deal with this woman that i bailed. the final straw was when my immediate boss refused to speak to her on my behalf to get her to lay off:
i mean, it's really really hard for me not to unload to someone when i'm going through what feels like a crisis. most times i just have to tell someone, which is not exactly beneficial given the fact that i am prone to clinging. (this version of proverbs 24:10 always comes to mind and it never makes me feel any better.) so yesterday i told the one i'd been clinging to as of late (more like blurted it out). i'd tried to restrain but when i saw him online i was like -- i can't take it anymore. i have to unload. and i unloaded a lot more than my problems. i like, went all creepy on him when i admitted that i have been clinging lately and it does make me feel bad but i can't stop (sorry, if you eventually ever read this). today i tried to seek support group help. i even tried calling dr scott up (yes, that was me though you never got to hear my voice). and someone eventually did pick up the phone, although she might not be able to help me along further than today due to family commitments. she did refer me to a support group, which i might join if the pyschiatrist thing isn't strong enough to help me break free. what am i breaking free from? i'll continue in the next post.
|
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}