Monday, August 03, 2026

tired af acronym

i was awake early today (7.30am-ish onwards) after 6.5hrs of sleep, so...i am at least aware by now that my mood usually dips when i'm low on sleep (not counting supernatural times, or natural-reasons-to-be-happy times). 

but here goes sth that was...in my mind, as i was lazily letting my mind wander through my earworm library of songs in my head (and playing them out). i was thinking abt how once again, my birthday month is going to get ruined just because it happens to— nvm.

because lying ain't innately right, do u really know even enough?
basic reasoning already negates deduction or nebulousness.

the writing's on the wall. and likely, only i and people-i-don't-care-about will be still reading what i write on here. i should take a siesta, since it is...another typical equator-hot day again.

most notably, it was the lyrics in this song (and reminders of the-usual stinging non-events) that were hurting me again: 

"for a lonely soul,
       it seems to me that
    you're having such a nice time; 
you're having such a nice time."

bittersweet how this song is now 20years & nearly 2 months old, and i'm still singing the same tune, even though i never really wanted to. i wonder how much longer i'll have to suffer before my life gets better and i escape this febrile hellhole i've been stuck in for decades and counting*. 

*oh god, i don't even want to elaborate on how horrible my mother and immediate family have continued to remain to me, not after having survived the not-again stress of last month.

on the plus side, i think i may also have discovered a way out of my suffering last month—

---
i've just literally had to close my ears to shut out the stupid revving of yet another 'mat motor' in this 'kampung' shithole. at least no asshole malay male child swore within this echoey room's earshot today. 

(one of them shouted out 'bodoh' [or stupid] yesterday, but at least it wasn't a lot worse. and after i silently prayed not to hafta hear more crap especially on a sunday [aka. also my sabbath-day rest], i thankfully never heard any more bad words for that round.)
---

as for my 'way out'. i think it may have to do with what i like to call 'persevering in tongues'. we shall see when i report back months from now. but so far, it's been showing some promise (not just mentally, but also in familial situations being less shitty for me). 

as the ending of u2's hope-giving new-this-easter tune concludes, kyrie eleison, kyrie.

i love that this band is still..staying true to its jesus-first roots instead of being all wannabe, all-about-me— 

---
and there goes another asshole 'mat' on a bike that i had to close my ears to. i won't bother to finish this last sentence because it's too easy to complete. 
---

but basically, i am sick of the old-timer ccm-band try-hards that...used to really mean something in their early days, who seem to've forgotten it was grace that got them where they are instead of their own egos. (i am equally sick of the fans who are still enamoured by them despite them being all 'yo, look at me, i am da sh*t'-like in their recent music vids.)

or rather, to each one's own, but i hate it when some fans still don't get my polite hints that i'm not interested in the newer work that such bands put out, and so, i rly don't wanna participate in fandom-type quizzes abt said bands. 'nuff said.