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read between the lines
the update ok i guess this is long overdue...well i did want to update regarding this matter, but stuff came up. either the modem started blinking due to the rain (which means no connection) or my brother was up irritating me. he's still up right now, it's just that he's thankfully pacified by the PS in front of him. let's just say that though my dad is supposed to be good at his pest control business, there's just one pest he can never get rid of.yawn. ok firstly, to those who have been asking, thanks for your concern. thanks for your prayers, thanks for reading this, thank you for asking. thank you for still befriending me even though some people think i'm as weird as fried ice-cream (which does exist, fyi). for some of you i haven't exactly gotten to say more than the sms characters can fit in. besides i like to blog anyway so i'll try to answer what i remember. my health: well, i saw the doctor on thursday night after the reunion dinner (odd timing though it was for one, but still...) and she said the reason why i'm taking so long to recover is cos i got a viral infection instead of a bacterial one. "what's a viral infection?" "it's just one of the ways flu spreads. the other way is through bacterial infection. the virus spreads through water droplets..you might've been in close contact with someone." [in my head] "darn L, i'm gonna get you for this!" (just kidding...but man it's not fair you got better so much faster than i did!) "virruss? err....it's not serious right?" (reassuringly) "no, no. it just means it takes longer to heal, that's all." so am i "aight" already, as randy jackson might put it? not exactly...but i'm on my way, i'm on my way. still got the phlegm in my throat, but it's much thinner and it bothers me less...and it's no longer yellow when i cough it out. my voice still sounds a bit funny though and my ears tend to get stuck at times, so i can't tell sometimes if i'm shouting when i talk or not. i still tire easily if i get even the least bit over-strenuous, so i try not to over-exert myself by walking around as much as i usually do (no seriously, i usually do walk a lot, especially when i'm in sing). but other than that i'm fine really. yawn. getting sleepy. as for the second thing, yes, i've stopped blaming myself for my grandad's passing and looking back, if i really had something to do with it and it helped ease his suffering, then i'm glad i was able to be a part of god's perfect plan in it. thirdly and most importantly, my time of mourning is over for my grandad, i.e. i'm not crying over him any more. when i attended his cremation and funeral rites on thursday, the only two people looking happy there were me and my grandma. let me clarify that i am not so insensitive until i can't even weep during my grandad's service, but really this is one of those supernatural moments in my life where the peace of god so transcends me that i cannot cry anymore. at first i thought it was just only for that day and maybe i was still in shock or something, but no, i haven't felt the least bit sad about him since the day i found out he passed. and i am fully aware that he's gone. because i think of him often, not just in death but in life as well. but every time i think of him, for some inexplicable reason i am filled with joy. i don't feel sad at all that he's in heaven where i want him to be, that he's finally free from his restricted body of paralysed limbs, blood-clotted brain and other stroke-related complications after 6 long years. yes. it's been that long since his stroke left him like that. and really, i think this is something i have to thank you for being a part of if you helped pray for my peace at heart. because truly, this is not my normal reaction. when my grand-aunty died last year the process to overcoming grief wasn't as smooth as this, though i admit it was eased by the fact that she accepted christ 2 or 3 days before her lungs gave up (god bless her). my mom herself is not taking it as well as i am. but then again she knew kong kong as a father, not a grandfather. so it's natural she would be much more affected by it. she's still pretty much sensitive to any topic centering around his death, whether it's cremation or funeral rites or inheritance assets. and by sensitive i mean she is easily moved to tears. but i guess it's the same for the rest of the aunties and uncles...they looked pretty much the same when we were walking down the road behind his coffin to the crematorium. speaking of which, yeah, my grandad, though he died a christian, was buried a buddhist with buddhist burial rites and all. buddhist chanting, cremation, finding his slot at the temple behind my grandparents' house, etc...i'm glad they can't take away his soul though they can take away his body. i saw him dressed in a suit for the first time in person when i looked in the coffin. and when i looked at him i was unbelievably calm and filled with a certain sense of joy....it's totally unexplainable. considering it had such an adverse effect on everybody else. as for my grandma, yeah, i don't know how but she seems to be handling it as well as me, sans the christian intervention. she was actually beaming on the day of the cremation and at the reunion dinner, she actually told me in teochew to be a good girl and study well. that's really unusual cos i'm so used to hearing her nag. i think that's where my mom got her nagging skills from. oops. yeah. i don't know how she is now though. all i know is some buddhist custom or something forbade her to follow the coffin to the crematorium so maybe not having to go through the walk and the chanting of prayers gave her less room to grieve. i need to rest. was gonna comment on the supernatural things surrounding his death and last few days but i think i'll leave that to another night. |
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