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read between the lines
at peace thanks for the few-and-far-between (deliberately so) who have prayed for me. i am finally...at peace with my kong kong. miracles today, events beyond what i expected. am really amazed and thankful that god decided to answer our prayers in the affirmative.there were 3 miracles today, of which i am only going to mention 2. firstly, i got well enough to see kong kong in the evening. and no, i don't think i passed the flu to him (at least i am more confident it is a no). it didn't seem that way initially though. i mean, sure, i could feel a minor improvement in the soreness of my throat, but it was still relatively sore and my nose was still either busy dripping or getting stuck. and my headache-y feeling still resumed, so i was resting my head all the way on the bus(es) to school. could even feel the left side of my face warmer than usual and my nasal passage on that side just..stinged when the air-cond got too cold. it didn't feel like i would be well in a few hours' time. but i was, against all odds. came back straight after class, had a watery lunch (porridge), popped a second panadol in my mouth and slept for a few hours till evening...when i awoke, sore throat was gone. my nose was still blocked on and off, but at least it wasn't dripping like a tap. felt well enough to go. second miracle was when i found out kong kong had become stronger and recovered slightly in the morning, enabling him to sit up and eat breakfast. when i saw him he was back to his weak state, but still, i seriously believe if god didn't give him the strength to eat in the morning he might not have lasted till evening for me to see him. by last i mean not only in the sense of living and breathing, but also in his state of consciousness, as in he was fully aware of who i was when i saw him, though he could not speak and he didn't open his eyes (only just a slight peak now and then in the darkness). when i was there, he was only able to drink a bit of milo but unable to eat or talk. he moved as little as possible while he lay on his bed. -argh. stupid brother who is still up watching tv at this unearthly hour is distracting me from my thoughts. i'm finding him more and more irritating as of late cos he starts to stay up later and later, and as he goes about doing his stupid stuff like toasting bread in the middle of the night (and giving me gastric pains) or turning up the tv volume, it really defeats the purpose of staying up late at night. the only reason i'm ever up this late is because it's supposed to be quiet and it's my only time away from the family and all that noise and squabbling.- but what finally left me at peace in my heart with this business was his symbolic act. when it was time to go, i told him i had to leave, which is when he started tearing up. his eyes were closed but it was obvious from his facial expressions and the slight mucus that was coming out of his nostrils and mouth. i am always in agony when i see a grown man like him crying whenever i have to leave. it makes me feel like a bad person and it reminds me of my own problem in dealing with letting go. but this time the words came to me to say, in a mixture of crude teochew and malay (such is the competency of my language skills), that though i might leave, jesus would never leave him. previously, the only encouraging words i could muster, if any, were "jesus loves you". and almost immediately he affirmed it with a slight nod of his head and a "mmm". and as i said my goodbye, he stopped crying. that final picture of him affirming his faith and being at ease was all i needed to give me the peace i needed. was really glad to hear with my own ears that he still believed in the faith, thereby confirming his salvation. and the fact that he mustered all his energy to give me a yes and even a nod in his weakened state also made me even more sure and at ease that now i know he knows where he is going, if he goes. i pray he feels the inner calm that i now have of him, no matter what happens next. it's taken a great weight off my shoulders, this peace. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives." -- John 14:27
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