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read between the lines
short fill-in so i'm back. ironically, it's a thursday again: exactly 21 days since my fast from this started. and have i grown? yes..but it is sad that i have to start this return to blogging on a gloomy note: just found out that my kong kong, the one who accepted christ last year, might leave to be with the lord anytime soon. he became weak and couldn't swallow his food suddenly during lunch. have been having a tug-of-war letting my kong kong go...struggling between wanting him to stay (to get healed and hang on to life here...but for what, really, with all this oppression?) and accepting if god decides to bring him home (which logically would be better right, cos he sure won't have to suffer anymore there and he'd definitely be free from his paralysis and other ailments caused by his stroke up there).but ah. the subject of letting go is not new to me. no, not the farting kind (snort)! but yeah...always catches up to me. always has been and continues to be my weakness. will it continue to be? i hope not...time and perseverance will tell... but back to my current situation, to add to the drama, i've contracted a serious bout of flu (very sore throat and runny nose) since yesterday. and with kong kong's immunity system low right now, i fear if i see him i might pass the flu to him and speed up his process of dying (god forbid!). wanted to see him tmr morning, but i don't think i could forgive myself for a very long time if i became the indirect, additional cause of his death. really. and so i hope against hope that i will get well enough by evening to go see him and that he'll still be around by then. despite the fact that i've been bawling my eyes out and adding to the sickness in the bath. despite the fact that i've had a full day with insufficient sleep and i've just felt my throat get more and more sore as the day went by. oh, the list could go on. was finding it so....(what's the word, unfair? terrible? wry? i can't quite put it into words)...today that it had to take a piece of bad news to get me and my mom speaking again after she literally reduced me to tears on friday. was also finding it unfair that i had to fall sick now when kong kong has to be teetering on the edge of death. wryness has been in my thoughts tonight, among others. but despite this i still find it hard to deny that god is a loving god and his plans are indeed best for us. cos along with the bad there's so many things i can look at and be grateful for during this time of fast. it's been painful and depressing at times but there are some encouraging and phenomenal moments too. phenomenal in the sense that i've experienced times of quiet joy just in being with god despite unresolved problems. trusting god in shaky circumstances is a must today. i mean, the previous days' circumstances have been shaky but today has got to be the big whopper. death is so not my favourite topic. but i did feel encouraged and hopeful when god led me to this verse, out of this 365-day devotional thingy i have. it's really amazing how lately when i want to see a verse, i'll just flip open the book and He'll turn it to the page containing the verse i need most at that point. today's was this: Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. |
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