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read between the lines
la vita รจ bella  got this diagram among some stuff in the mail about how to relieve stress from exams or something...i snorted. seems like practically everyone around me's having exams except me. last time i had attachment, everyone was on hols. weird timing, you don't say. next time i come out to work, probably everyone's going to fly to england for studies or something.feeling so confused these days. things and people i thought i knew, i now don't know. issues i held firm on, i'm not so sure of anymore. maybe my friend was right: maybe having too much free time is a bad thing because if you were busy you'd have no time to think about things. i don't know...i've always used to prefer holidays and free time over school and work cos then i'd be free to do the things i wanted to do. but these days i just don't have the mood to. just don't feel like it. but then again home's not exactly where i get much done anyway. and i can't go out much cos my mom's not too happy about me going out to sing since we lost so much during that stupid ez-link card tie-up and we already forked out quite a sum for some camp over there, so i decided to obey. i don't wanna upset my parents these days cos i want to maintain that fine balance of peace we have now. but...i kinda hate it that for the sake of peace and absence of quarrels or anything, i have to keep conversations with my mom at surface level. guess having a mom i can really talk to was just an ideal that can never happen. yesterday was probably the most irresponsible i've been in ages. didn't care about anything, just took to the streets and spent all my money. felt half-drunk with tiredness, slept a lot in the buses i was in due to lack of sleep. my one and only exam ended yesterday, and i was supposed to go out and celebrate, which i did, but...this dear couple ruined it for me. went to watch a movie and it's just my luck that i have this couple next to me engaging in some thigh-stroking. and then i come out and there's a couple in the lift doing their flirting. and then the doors open and they're everywhere. yeah, rub it in for me. rub in the fact that i'm gonna die a spinster in some old broken down house in the dark where some neighbour will find my rotting corpse days later with my hand clutching the bible or something. it's like singapore is so small that there's nowhere else for all the couples to go to when watching a movie. i don't think i'll be going to that area anytime soon. i even bumped into 6 mass commers at different times while i was there. subject change. i'm finding myself looking at a lot of old memories lately. sometimes i wish selfishly that i could've somehow remained frozen in those moments of innocence and goodness instead of having to face obstacles and shattered dreams that have provided me a bitter taste of life. true, i admit the god i know's closer to me this way, but sometimes i'm finding it hard to come to terms with a jealous god. i know it's because i don't understand, but i want to. |
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