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read between the lines
OB markers was awake enough today to think about pain. how about that. i think perception plays a big role in how i react. a lot to learn, a lot to learn. stuck, in the library again. but not by choice. i have to have that meeting by tonight, no matter how late, or else i have a feeling i never might.--finished and polished up the rest of the entry later at night when i returned. yes, surprise, surprise, i feel awake enough to write...-- was lying on my back yesterday thinking about how fallen mankind is. and how i can't figure people out. i refer to an analogy taken from among my notes for the (one and only) exam that can be applied to my situation, while exercising precaution in area of naming names so as not to be liable for one of their increasingly popular defamation-by-blogging suits. the government in that island across the border has a set of vague terms such as 'national interest' that serve as O.B. or out-of-bounds markers on what the media can report on (without suffering dire consequences such as getting exiled or going bankrupt due to billion-dollar lawsuits). it is up to the tact of the media and the subtle warnings by the government in order for the media to figure out what exactly can be reported and what cannot. the problem is of course there are no clear-cut rules, no black and white, so many greys. and that, i find, is the case with me. i think all my life i have been trying to figure out what exactly are those vague O.B. markers that mark social decorum and the complex nature of relations between people and sad to say, i haven't quite figured it out. some i guess over time, some i learn the hard way, but most of it's still a mystery to me. i'm like this socially retarded glitch in the system. truly it is by the grace of god that i've gotten to know more about new people this semester. either that or i know how to start the ball rolling but i don't know how to keep its momentum. and there it goes back again, to the inescapable fact that i can't quite figure out the complex processes of human networking and human behaviour within a social circle. every time i think i get it, something will totally blow my presupposition out of proportion and i'll be left without a clue again. i wonder how human relations would be like had adam and eve not sinned. the absence of disharmony, (absence) of perpetual guessing games of trying to decipher the many masks that humans put on, (absence) of unacceptance of deviance.....and a whole lot of other things only possible in paradise. sometimes there are points in my life where i just tire of it all, tire of having to play this stupid ball game.... guess it all boils down to being reminded of the fact that there is no other human in whom i can enjoy perfect relations with but jesus himself, the only perfect ideal, fully man and fully god. |
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