just got back yesterday from crusade's annual meta camp, which is usually my time of retreat and solace for me. this time it wasn't exactly the retreat retreat i'd expected, considering there wasn't exactly a spot in that area that wasn't frequented by people, but it was sure better than grim reality i guess. and grim reality was eager to greet me with its long bony fingers (think the Grim Reaper). just like a speaker from the camp said, the hills of challenges were waiting for me the minute i came down.

i should have known the minute i heard those worship songs playing in my head. because, to my recollection, every single time except one i have come back from a camp or rally with their worship songs singing in my head, i encounter trouble almost immediately after that. the only exception came at the one time i was on guard for those attacks. in hindsight i believe it's a form of spiritual warfare, given the circumstances.

so the hills presented themselves before me, willing me to overcome them. they were in line to welcome me. i mean i knew they would be waiting, but i didn't expect them so soon. so me, being caught off guard, failed the tests and...fell flat on my face. and...i lost it again today.

i'm sorry, friend, for my impulsiveness. but for all that's happened, it's made me reflect on other incidents of similar outbreaks and made me realise i need to change. i've been getting angry so easily as of late and it's like i can't seem to control it. can't partly because i didn't know it was serious. i mean, sure, i've always been one to lose my temper through the years, but i thought i toned it down to an occasional outbreak. but lately i've let it get out of hand because it's been under the radar. now i'm the one who needs anger management. haha.

so maybe it was a good thing i failed after all.

never mind the reasons for anger, i just know it's not good. and the thing with me is, i don't get angry immediately. when the event happens in real time, i'm not mad. but later i'll go home and replay the scene in my head and it'll keep coming up like a splinter in my mind and before i know it, i'm brimming with anger. and then i go and do something regrettable.

came across this bookthe other day (hence the reason for this title post), which i found encouraging. too bad it's still sitting in the bookshop. thankfully though, i'm still in full supply of the Source of all encouragement. one notable after-effect of the camp: resilience is brewing within me.