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read between the lines
parents you love to hate why, in general do parents make themselves so easy to hate? wanna hate them, fall into the devil's trap of giving tit for tat (usually in the form of verbal abuse. my dad is good at extreme sarcasm. used to provoke me all the time). wanna not hate them, end up feeling trapped, sad, oppressed.sigh. my dad just swore at me over some little thing which isn't even my fault. hey, it's not my fault the house is built in such a way that everytime i wanna get out of the bathroom whoever's in the kitchen has to vacate the area. i even asked nicely, you @$$ (and so you see the struggle to refrain myself from swearing back is evident here). it's not my fault i have an 8am class tomorrow so i can't bathe as late in the night as i usually do. it's not my fault you're spending your stupid money to renovate this house outside but you can't even spend some of it to renovate the bath area and create some kind of space to change clothes in. i tried not getting angry. i tried. i just ended up getting sad. i don't really know if it's tears of anger or tears of oppression. and on top of that my parents basically said they're still gonna treat me like a child if i go to uni (i'm paraphrasing, but that was the summary of it all). it makes it verrryy hard for me to figure out clearly where god wants me to go if my parents can't even support me or for goodness sake let me go from these stupid apron strings (refrain, refrain from abusive language!) that are practically choking me instead of guiding me. i don't wanna become like either of my parents when i grow up. i'd much rather stay childless than make them suffer like this. "?" i'm confused. i think i wear a question mark that is perpetually on my forehead instead of the cross in my heart. seeking out god's will for my life is....not really a clear-cut matter.all i know is i don't want to regret what i've done when i look back. and i definitely don't wanna stay with my family any longer than i have to. as usual, family was a handful this evening. dinner was......stressful. so stressful in fact, that i fell asleep and almost couldn't wake up to bathe much later. sleep -- one of my lesser-used modes of escapism. the Friend okay. first things first. over the weekend my pastor got discharged from hospital. officially it was announced he still has low-grade fever and they're still gonna "do further tests on him", but unofficially we've (referring to my family and i) heard that he has been diagnosed already, with an infection to the kidney. either way we know for him to leave the hospital is a good thing. but he's "still not out of the woods yet", that we agree.and as for those seemingly unreachable resolutions, i managed to get most of no. 1 done. which is quite an achievement for me, despite the fact that i've realised no. 2 is most probably unsolvable until we get this stupid construction thing done and that no. 3 is...shelved for the moment. i'd love to write more and spit out my thoughts, but i'm strapped for time. thankfully i have 3 days of holidays as a temporary refuge from the grind (school) to look forward to. but 1 and a half of these days is going to be committed to a freshie-dominated camp, so er...that leaves me with the other 1 and a half. and oh, i found something meaningful in my mailbox tonight. though, as you get to the bottom, it's meant for friends, i kinda equated it to God immediately. even the title is absolutely befitting of Him.  because it's true. seriously, no friend on earth can ever pledge that, because it's truly beyond their capability to fit all the criteria or even give of any of these values at a satisfactory level. and i guess that's what i've been learning day by day. that there isn't a superman, but there is a supernatural being who is. if you get what i mean. |
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