Recording my journey of trying to make it through life and find God, joy, purpose and meaning along the way...basically in search of eternal life here on earth.

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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

parents you love to hate

why, in general do parents make themselves so easy to hate? wanna hate them, fall into the devil's trap of giving tit for tat (usually in the form of verbal abuse. my dad is good at extreme sarcasm. used to provoke me all the time). wanna not hate them, end up feeling trapped, sad, oppressed.

sigh. my dad just swore at me over some little thing which isn't even my fault. hey, it's not my fault the house is built in such a way that everytime i wanna get out of the bathroom whoever's in the kitchen has to vacate the area. i even asked nicely, you @$$ (and so you see the struggle to refrain myself from swearing back is evident here). it's not my fault i have an 8am class tomorrow so i can't bathe as late in the night as i usually do. it's not my fault you're spending your stupid money to renovate this house outside but you can't even spend some of it to renovate the bath area and create some kind of space to change clothes in.

i tried not getting angry. i tried. i just ended up getting sad. i don't really know if it's tears of anger or tears of oppression. and on top of that my parents basically said they're still gonna treat me like a child if i go to uni (i'm paraphrasing, but that was the summary of it all). it makes it verrryy hard for me to figure out clearly where god wants me to go if my parents can't even support me or for goodness sake let me go from these stupid apron strings (refrain, refrain from abusive language!) that are practically choking me instead of guiding me.

i don't wanna become like either of my parents when i grow up. i'd much rather stay childless than make them suffer like this.