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read between the lines
aftermath last night was the longest i have ever spent grieving in the bath in four years. didn't break my record four years ago when i recall crying non-stop for two hours in the bath, which is a good thing, because i do not wish to relive that tragedy again. my not-fully-recovered flu, the fact that i was having a headache from wet hair in cold air and sheer exhaustion from the act of continuous tearing and blowing of nose made me stop.devotional was affected somewhat, was constantly distracted to my thoughts last night. got up early today, forced myself to return to my alma mater in a conscious effort to let the Lord speak to me through their Christmas Concert. must admit, the part of the musical that most got to me was a song about sorrow and death. seems to be the theme of the day these days. not forgetting to mention that we had a rather interesting topic for this week's church sermon: suicide. in a way i was actually kinda glad the church finally started to mention it. the end is near. the earthquakes, the hurricane wrecks, the devastation, the deaths... there was a 24-page spread in the paper today specially covering news on the PM's wife's demise. saw the news on TV too. the PM is putting on an admirably brave front in the face of death, god bless him. i pray the Lord will give him the strength to carry on with life and his official duties. and for God to comfort him in his grief and unspoken sorrow. kept grieving today, kept breaking down the minute i left the concert and was left to my own devices. the first days are tough. but thankfully in between i found the time to hide in god and was truly grateful to be able to find somewhere far from the noise at home for at least a few hours. "You are my hiding place..." (Psalm 32:7) oh, the home's under renovation now. and we're still living in it. kinda hate it, but i guess i just have to adapt. every morning at 9 plus, get woken up by sounds of horrendous knocking or smashing of bricks or something. yup, they're doing it right outside my room -- literally. cos they're extending the walls outside and it's just my luck to have a room that faces the outside. and they smoke a lot, so much that half the house, which is mostly filled with windows that still have gaps in them when closed, is engulfed in a nicotine-filled fog of some sort. all this till december. hope i don't get second-hand lung cancer from all this. and today the house was fully packed cos my mom brought over my kong kong's maid to clean up the house. she makes use of the maid a few times a week, now that he's gone so she has less work to do and all that. so no private space, had to get out. my thoughts drift back a lot to the past today, to situations of similar predicaments and what the Lord has done about it. true, sometimes i think we ALL feel like paul, in the sense that we want to leave this life, different as our reasons for it might be. sometimes part of me just wants out. not that i really want to die, but i just feel like i want an escape route because i feel like i can't endure whatever it is i'm supposed to endure to the end. but i know life is not as worthless as that, as if it were some piece of trash that you can easily throw away if you don't like. if You wanted me dead all You'd have to do is say the word and i'd have some kind of heart attack or something. the very fact that i'm standing here testifies that You want me here on this earth. and to do what? to do Your Will. i keep coming across these verses, whether it's ephesians 2:10 or others, where it all says the same thing. You've created us for a life of good deeds, which You've prepared for us to do. people in the world need Your help, need Your Word, need Your truth to set them free. and that was the very reason paul said he stayed on. "I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us."and so i press on, for Your sake. |
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