|
|
|
read between the lines
jessica: 0, anger: 1 i never wanted it to be this way. home feels like such aprison pressure-cooker testing ground murder hell shithole. i always thought the home was a place you could retreat to a place to settle down a refuge from the outside world a solace some form of solitudal comfort. instead, i get a nightmare of a house where all the four walls are listening and i feel muted, isolated and stifled from being myself. sighhhhhh........ how i long for the day where i can finally buy my own home, or at least get a decent room of my own to live in, away from this horrible, horrible family of mine. i feel so sad and stifled and yet i cannot cry. or at least cry as much as i would like to. i can't even mourn for my friend who passed away last week, can't call his mom to talk to her, can't even hang around in church last sunday to offer my condolences. all because of my stupid family. sigh.......... i felt so stifled today. all i wanted today was to run to somewhere quiet and think, pray, cry, moan, weep, do whatever it is i do when i'm alone but i couldn't even get away. the rooms here are either barred from entry (under construction), or full of annoying family members that can only come up with hurtful, sarcastic, cutting words if you show even the least bit of sadness or agony in your eyes. they are the people i least turn to simply because they are a family that does not how to love. once again i was asking god the rhetorical question, "god, how on earth did i end up in this family?". sigh. only He knows that the reason i ask that question is not to get an answer but rather to express the internal pain, desperation, anger and mish-mash of emotions i have in me that are dying to be let out but at the same time bottlenecked by this requirement to be a "christian" aka. someone who loves and tolerates shit from their own flesh and blood. yesterday i was able to elude anger but today anger caught me totally off-guard. today was the brother-irritates-the-hell-out-of-his-sister day. 1. it started in the afternoon when he started kicking the dog mercilessly. i think i've figured out the main cause of why he (the dog) bites me. he's afraid of my brother the monster so he lashes out at me. that makes me wish so hard my brother gets mutilated one of these days so he can feel the inward pain and torture he inflicts on the dog. long story short, me and my brother got into a fight. me, with my temporary handicap, was at a disadvantage. in the end, the car got hit with an umbrella. parents come out. what happens next, you imagine for yourself. the rest of the afternoon was wasted and horrible for me because i was trying to find a quiet place away from all the shouting and the noise but i never really did, so i fell asleep. even though i got up at 2plus today. the things i could've done if i had my own room... 2. incident two was a little after dinner. the family dropped me off at home while they went to get some stuff and i thought, thank god, i can finally breathe now....but that wasn't really the case. i got home, started to feel lonely. realised i haven't socialised with the outside world since sunday. the environment started to get to me. rubble, dust, things piled up sky-high everywhere. tried calling like one or two people up...before i realised that most of my friends are currently in singapore. the people from jb i called up weren't free anyway, so that's that. and then i tried praying or talking to god, but i just felt too unsettled and distracted by the surroundings to do so. so i turned to a bit of online interaction and even the chance to spill out some of my thoughts to god (read: blog). but before i could do much, my brother came back. i had been using his computer (or rather, the computer allotted to him) to log on, cos this stupid com here has no access to msn and internet explorer, thus forcing me to resort to the next best alternatives: web messenger and mozilla firefox. and web has, well, limited capabilities compared to msn. firefox is bad for some websites with bad scripts. over dinner my mom banned him from the computer cos my brother sweared too much (okay, so that command usually goes unheeded, but all the same it was a valid reason...). so here i am, just settling in, about to blog...and then i hear the car coming in the driveway. shit. next moment, my brother comes barging in and calls the police (my parents). the police come, and .... they scream, shout, yell and remove all hope of ever settling down at that point. they refuse to listen to reason as usual, so no amount of justification or reminding them about my mom's threat can help. at that point i am so pissed i am about to half-cry, half-get angry. in the end i just entered one of the barred rooms and locked myself in dusty silence for an hour. sigh. it's tough to stay sane and live in here. the saying "too close for comfort" comes to mind. i'll continue in a new post. --edit: for this case, i find the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" particularly true as well. meaning, well, i think both me and my family need some time apart from each other. but i'm not gonna get it. |
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}