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read between the lines
family i have a few things to say.i hate my family. i hate the fact that i have unsupportive parents who can't even support me in even the simplest of things consistently and leave me questioning whether they really love me or whether i'm just an obligation to them. i hate the bad memories and the years of physical and verbal abuse i've had to put up with this fcking family. and i hate the new memories that keep adding on to it and bringing back the more horrific ones to mind. i don't deny that jealousy is beginning to take root in me when i see my brother getting away with so very much while i have to be given less freedom and more restriction. i hate my parents for how they've treated me and how they continue to treat me. i hate the fact that they can be so irrational at times and i can't even reason with them because they just plain refuse to admit where they've gone wrong even if i am (for my part). i am old enough to be called an adult and yet i am still prevented from living or working on my own. and i am beginning to regret bitterly that i did not rebel to that and therefore played a part in my own imprisonment. i am starting to question whether it really was a good decision to stick around. how, like practically almost everyone in my hometown left for faraway pastures, far out of their parents' sight and control and how i, stupidly, decided to study in a location that is so near that i am forced to return home everyday to be held under their supervision and control. once again i ask god bitterly, why the hell was i born into this family and how on earth did i spring from the loins (and the unfortunate womb) of such abusive tyrants. and why i must endure this any longer than i have to even though every inch of me just wants to get out of here and stay far far far far far away from my "family". even now out of the corner of my eye i see my brother doing something sneaky and it makes me burn with anger how he gets the liberty to do it and i can't. and how it's a cycle that will never end and how i can't wait to move out of this stupid household and be free from all these stupid double standard rules. people don't understand and they think my feeling oppressed is overrated. as far as i know, they weren't beaten up when they were young. they didn't get parents who consistently shouted degrading, sarcastic, put-me-down remarks in my ear during the times when i needed them the most. there are memories but i won't care to mention. no, unlike almost everyone i know, i had to be the soul that was put into this family. i had to be the one to endure, and to continue to endure all this shit my whole life and watch my parents do what their own parents did to them. i had to be the one here. oftentimes i wonder if i would have been a better person had i not landed into this family. a little less rage, a lot more confidence...sometimes i wonder. but then god tells me that i have become what i have become for good reason. and that what i am is not "monstrous". (exhale). i've calmed down already. thank god. |
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