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read between the lines
what's next i don't know how but the internet always makes me stay online longer than i should. hence why i am writing this post at 3plus in the night (eh no more 5am stunts ok...after my 5 days of awful sickness, no way, or at least not for some time).figured i should make a note of it here before the "historic" date passes. yesterday i had another X crossed out of my "where god wants me to go after poly" list. i did not make it into the uni i wanted to go to. even though my classmate with similar credits (and also a dip in merit) got in and they told her way way earlier than they told me. but my other classmate was the worst. fuyoh...she got into both unis while i got into none. and we both applied for the unis together at the same time (she also gave some questionable advice which i took and up to now, still leaves me wondering if that factored into what sealed my fate). and out of all my friends, i had to be the last to know and i wonder why they made me wait so long (and fill me with a sense of, would you call it, false hope?)to tell me the bad news. these were yesterday's thoughts on the night of reckoning. i thank god that i was less disappointed and felt less let down than the day i got the false alarm (which in the end, turned out to be true) before this. but this morning i woke up and a thought from the heavens came to mind which put things into perspective and helped make it easier to move on, i guess. it dawned on me that all these things, the dip of merit, the deal with my friends all getting the news first, and that regrettable action that resulted from following a piece of (assumedly) detrimental advice were just on-the-surface things and what really affected my outcome was in fact, god's decision on this matter. so i guess he doesn't intend for me to go to uni. which leaves me with the other option of work. but what as, i don't know. there are of course, dream jobs, but there is of course, reality. it's amazing how one year on, from having prayed about my future, i still have absolutely no clue where He wants me to go. nada. some people seem to take just a few months before graduation to figure out where they wanna go next while i, on the other hand, haven't the faintest idea. no revelation, no nothing. not this time anyway. i just know that i don't wanna end up doing a mundane, boring, nine-to-five job (or most likely eight-to-seven) in which i have not even the least bit of interest doing or passion for doing, in an office cubicle so cold it feels like the morgue (helps remind you about how doing the job feels like you're dying) and the only days you look forward to are holidays. jobs like that are enough to get anyone down. but down is one thing. suicidal is another. why do so many people jump down buildings in singapore every year? the reason for some of the cases is because they find their jobs so pointless, meaningless and just plain rat-race perdition. the job is ruling their lives. the job is what eats into most of their time and leaves them little room for more. the job is making life meaningless, pointless and a daily living nightmare for them because they really hate the type of passionless work that they do and they have lost their purpose in life. i don't want to add to that number. i don't even want to potentially add to that number. there must be a way where i can do a job i actually like doing. what is my purpose in life, god? what is it in terms of my job, my occupation? that reminds me of another thing i noticed a few months ago. i believe there must be some uncanny reason why a job is called an "occupation" (because it keeps one occupied) and why the work is called "business" (because it keeps one busy). i mean who knows maybe the person who coined these words up really did see it that way in olden times. it's true about the common saying that everyone here is built for a purpose and without that purpose, we cease to exist. without a purpose, life has no meaning (man this is starting to sound like rick warren's 40 days of purpose even though i didn't intend for it to). and without meaning life is just not worth living. doing nothing, i.e. being without a purpose is probably about the worst thing you can do ever for your mind. it is self-destruction if continued for long-term. but then again doing something boring for three-quarters of your life, i.e. feeling like you have no purpose is just as damaging. therefore purpose is life, in that sense. and, going on another tangent, if you read the bible and you learn: jesus is life and purpose is life, jesus = purpose and that's pretty true in itself. hmm. |
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