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read between the lines
ironic i hate looking for jobs. and after sunday's feedback, i just realised for 2 months i've been applying and looking for jobs i loathe doing. i mean do i really want this? but sadly that's where the money lies. i really hope i'm not signing a death sentence here.blame me for getting easily affected by what people say. but all the same i haven't lost all that undescribable peace within me, just a little uncertain now i guess. but i'm still trying to look at it in god's eyes, that He knows what He's doing and He knows my hopes and dreams....and i just have to trust that if i have to get a job similar to the hellish attachment i had, it's all part of the plan. all i know is i felt useless, despondent and borderline suicidal when i took up that attachment job. hopefully it'll be different this time round, either the outlook or the job...but most likely the outlook. it is said that 60% of people from my course take up a job in the corporate world, which i hate oh-so-badly i would kill for a somewhat more artistic job. i used to think why were they so stupid, coming to study something so boring after learning such cool stuff....but now i understand it's because they had no choice. haih. i wonder if it's really true that the working world is the time to suffer and college is the only time life is good. at least that's what almost everyone who now works has been telling me. i really hope this isn't so. when we're young, we have so much hope, so much promise. some kids wanna be firemen, artists, actors, composers, private detectives (i had a friend who wanted to be that during the hardy boy/nancy drew craze), etc. anything is possible at that age. but when we get older, either our amibitions change to something more realistic or we just view our real ambitions as merely wistful dreams and move on to whatever we need to live on instead. god's really got me this time. he took away my great excuse that is to further my studies so as to stall for time while i figure out what to do and made it so that i have to decide now. the stage is set for the big unknown and (so obviously) the chance to take a big step of faith by trusting him for the future. who knows this could be another monumental chapter of my life, i don't know. but all i know is i have to trust and go along with this uncanny peace within me that truly trancends human understanding because it's all i got right now, or else i'll go insane. what i've come to realise all this while is that i've been under the illusion that i'm in control of my life when i'm really not, so when things cock up and things look like they're up in the air i blame myself for doing such a bad job of trying to handle the reins. but the truth is i was never in control of my life, at least not fully. rather, god was. and knowing who he is and what he intends, i just have to trust his judgements instead of mine and keep reminding myself of that. so now back i go to my jobhunting, looking for jobs i don't like and even hoping to get one of these jobs i don't like. sounds so stupid. but until i get a revelation or my dream job drops into my lap from the heavens, i think this is the only way to go. like as though it's so fun poring through the lists in the middle of the night trying to get something i can't see myself liking. oh the irony. |
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