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read between the lines
ramblings fantastic. i have got the cannot-sleep-even-though-i-know-i'm-gonna-suffer-at-work-tomorrow syndrome. sleepy but yet not sleepy. i realised this yesterday as i was sitting in front of this screen, trying to wrap up a lengthy email (not uncommon for me) for fifteen minutes. the only part of my brain that's taking a break is the one that usually guards reasoning and careful thought, which is making me feel more relaxed. hence the superfluous babbling...it's like i'm high without having to resort to drugs. a mini delirium of some kind.lately i've come to realise even more that people always seem to have this false perception of me. they think i'm someone i'm not, and everything i say or do gets seen in that fixed stereotype of me that sometimes it gets really taken out of proportion. i am not going to delve too deep into this topic, or else i will find myself in deep shit since there seems to be no end to the amount of false perceptions people get of me, but i will mention one of them below. i didn't realise this till late, but...for some crazy reason or other, people who don't know me (aka. the general public) seem to think i have it all together. they think i have a nice home, a nice life, that i can take insults without flinching, etc. hello, which part of me doesn't scream "insecure" i wonder? (though okay lately god brought to mind that the key to solving that is a constant affirmation of my position in christ. constant, not just a one-time encounter with the truth, which was what i originally thought was so.) but then again maybe it's just the christlikeness in me they see, the security all true christians find in being able to leave our burdens with him and to trust him for the future. but even so that's not really me, that's christ. stripped away of Him i am a mere amoeba. i'm probably the small, scrawny kid hiding behind some great big rock who comes out most often under the protective shades of time alone with myself. people seriously have no clue what my life is like. really. and they don't know until they ask. but even then i feel like nobody really knows me, as in really knows the whole story. they know me only in parts. and sometimes that's a very dangerous thing cos they think they've seen it all if they just see one side of me, or see one type of reaction to a situation. and then they start to jump to conclusions and i'll never know they were holding me in such low regard until they voice out their thoughts. why do i find myself always clarifying with people what i mean by what i do? am i that hard to understand? is it just the culture here or am i just too western for asian tastes? sometimes i feel like if i was an ang moh, living in a (generally) more accepting ang moh area like say, san francisco, i wouldn't be singled out and shot at, because everyone would be different like me. but then again maybe that's just rubbish and i'm in too relaxed a mode that any situation is plausible to me. back to the topic. or maybe that's just the way it's meant to be, to bring me closer to god. to make myself unknown (in my full form) to anyone except god, so he's the only one i have to turn to. speaking of which. one of the things these 40 days has taught me is that, i have problems that honestly no one can solve except god and god alone. in fact there were times when i got frustrated when i was confronted with this reality since the old me would have probably sought solutions in people's advice. me, frustrated that i couldn't talk to anyone since i knew they were virtually useless in this area. it might sound negative, the word frustrated, but i'm actually quite pleased (if you can call it that) and relieved to see i've been feeling this way. it's about time i realised the answers don't lie in people, though they can provide intercession or maybe even a word from god. but they don't hold the solution to the problem per se. and it's amazing how deep i found out my roots go back, that my problems were usually not just the ones i saw on the surface. rather they seemed to be either the manifestations or the reactions from the root cause, and unless i got the root pulled out and killed, i would never solve the problems on top. roots. hmm. i'll probably mention them another day. golly it's 4 a.m. and i've got a ton of proofreading work to do tomorrow. don't know how i am going to stay awake. i've heard it often said that people usually feel their sleepiest at 12 noon because of the way the body clock works, but for me 9-10am is the most dangerous time. and it doesn't help that i am in an air-cond room (though i thank god this is nothing like the morgue i went to during my attachment). i usually wake up by 12, and am pretty much awake and rejuvenated after lunch break. i think the food gives me energy. yet i eat breakfast everyday and it seems like nothing to my stomach within two hours. i'm babbling again. to bed i go. this post was a good distraction from today's events. |
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