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read between the lines
season's greetings a very merry and meaningful christmas to you -- yes, you -- the reader, if you celebrate it. and a special shoutout to you if you're outstation and i haven't seen you for months or years...you guys know who you are. hope your christmas rings a bell (pun intended) of personal relevance and meaning. you are deeply missed.
'tis the season okaylah m-r, you asked for it. here's a proper post (or at least an attempt of one), and i shall trash my last one because admittedly it was more of a space-filler than something worth reading.first, some appetisers, since it's taking quite a while tonight for me to loosen up... dish 1. o holy night is probably my favourite christmas song..love the melody. i especially like kevin max's version of it...sadly his album is out of stock this christmas. dish 2. night at the museum is actually funny! at first when it started out so slow and really...not funny, i was beginning to regret pulling my fellow brother along and wasting his money for it. but once ben stiller started his night job at the museum, even the script started to come to life (not just the artefacts) in terms of well-written jokes. dish 3. i think this (see below) at tangs rocks, though i must admit i can't really relate to the verse right now, though it did hold tremendous weightage at a significant point in my life.  and now for the main course. christmas. (okay, so technically it ended after midnight but i always count it as the same day as long as dawn hasn't arrived.) i feel that every year, if one bothers to listen, god has a specific message intended for each person, a message of personal meaning and relevance. come to think of it, god has a message all the time. and he sure does have one at christmas too...which i will take the liberty of sharing here. at first all i could sense during christmas was the (if not) obvious fact that it is a time when god dispenses great joy into the world, joy to tired hearts and bowed heads. and displaced people with some semblance of godly conscience within them. and, for certain reasons, i just did not feel that barrage of joy that god brought into the world this christmas. in fact i half-heartedly had it in my mind to hide away this christmas (a fight-or-flight instinct that has become pointedly familiar to me as of late in times of crisis) but i'm glad i didn't, because if i did i would not have got to see what i got to see and hear what i got to hear (though on the latter, i think if it was imperative that i hear it i would have gotten the message elsewhere anyway, though not in that fashion). so what got through to me was this: that in this season of giving, christ is the most generous giver of all. not only that, He Himself is the gift as much as the giver, having given up his life and his rights for us by atoning for our sins on the cross. okay, so i wasn't exactly tickled pink when i heard the words "christmas is the season of giving" coming out of my pastor's mouth, as i feel kind of uneasy with the fact that giving is associated with christmas, because it brings to mind expectant, selfish gift-givers who do not know a gift that comes for free and the joy that comes with it: salvation. what really struck me was when the pastor mentioned how christ, as a giver, gives without expecting anything in return. yeah, sure, so we all (just the christians) say it, some of us since our sunday school days, that christ's love (or salvation, joy or anything else) is unconditional, so much so that it becomes a catchphrase that has lost its meaning in our hearts. but, when put into perspective, if christ gives freely without expecting anything in return, then there is no need to feel like we are wretched, pathetic a**h***s who don't deserve what He gives us, as if we need to do something or acquire some kind of high-up status to be deserving of His love, grace, blessings, etc. i'm not saying it's wrong to feel humble or be humbled, but there is a line where all of us, at some point in our lives (some of us more than the rest), cross from broken pride to severe (though not necessarily total) hatred of ourselves in comparison to the sinless and perfect christ our lord. it kind of reminds me of me this christmas, when so many friends, both new and old, have lavished me with surprise gifts (i'm so used to getting -- and giving -- none or not much that it feels kinda weird to get so many), and i tell them i feel pretty bad because i got them nothing or got them things that really pale in comparison to their gifts. and then they tell me, assuredly, that they don't expect me to try to equal their gifts with something just as great, and that all they want is to see the look of joy on my face (i.e. make me happy) when i open or receive their presents. and that's the same with christ i guess. to feel like shit for receiving his gifts of love, grace and so on would be the opposite reaction of what he wants us to feel, for i am sure he never intended for us to feel that way. my closing statement... yawn. and now it is time to pack for an annual camp that i always attend (sorry , but i'll be awol for a week; not that it'd make much of a difference anyway considering my average post now is once a week). speaking of which, i am so going to be screwed tomorrow considering most of the stuff i need to pack is in my place in sg. and i have some errands to run, so i'll really be pressed for time tomorrow. and i didn't pack today because...i fell asleep (sheepish look). blame the weather for it, heh. p.s.... i know, i know, some of you have been reminding me to write more, but more pressing things have come up. meanwhile, chew on these: i decided to go for the camp because i need the time that it gives me with god. nevermind the fact that there are a number of faces i don't feel comfortable seeing, but the time and the undeniable presence of the lord is a huge pull factor. plus the fact that i get to sleep under the stars some nights, provided it doesn't rain, hehe. speaking of not raining, i am thankful that i managed to experience a very rare but very spiritually rewarding night walk around singapore until the crack of dawn. kind of like a solo mini-expedition. i'll elaborate if i have time. adios. first week on the past seven days have felt more like a camping week for me. barely sleep, out every night till late, yet still this unbelievable reservoir of energy to function like normal (which will, i know, over time, wane). truth be told, i am very ill-fitted in my new abode. i got everything i prayed for and yet somehow i forgot that living with a family is so different from being able to stay alone.it's not that the family i'm with sucks -- on the contrary -- but i'm finding it near impossible to get my quality time with god in this place. and i've never really been one to like living with people long-term anyway. i feel pretty much unsettled here, which is funny because i always thought once i lived in sg the place i'd hide in the most was my room. on the other hand, i love my job. i am so, so happy and grateful for the working conditions, in fact i didn't even know such a job existed. there are so many perks but since they are mostly unofficial i think it best not to mention them. i will mention one, though. never have i been in a company that officially allows music to be listened to during working hours! they even have a built-in tuner that is set to one particular radio channel (somehow i think it's a result of an endorsement deal, but hey, as long as i get to benefit that's fine, hehe). whatever the case, my colleagues seem to have tons of itunes to listen to, mostly to my taste, which is more than i could ask for in a company. i mean, music is my life and soul. one thing i noticed that was worthy of note the past week, though. i seem to be the only kid working in the city area. i feel a bit of out-of-place because when it's lunchtime, all i see are the old young adults. and it doesn't help that i am sort of the 'baby' in my family of co-workers, so people kind of dote on me, and it makes me react...in a way that will not gain me respect beyond my age in the long run, if i am to pass probation and take up the position i originally applied for (which, logically, i intend to). but i guess god has a reason for taking me out of the education mosh pit so early. i have to admit, though, i have been missing in action on the front lines for some time as a loyal soldier of jesus christ. on my own sigh. i call my mom up on my first night of staying in my new place, hoping to hear at least some kind of support and she ends up scolding me. it got me into a funk, the effects of which have not totally worn off yet. so what if i accidentally threw away my kitchen utensils anyway? i don't know why temporal things like that always seem to be more important than the things that really matter, like the relationship itself, to her.but oh well. at least the rest of the day was rewarding in terms of getting fed spiritually. and thank god having to experience the first night here on my own was delayed by one day -- it's not like i wasn't looking forward to the day i was finally free from my parents, but, knowing me, i did foresee a possible mood plunge at having to live alone (no furry canine friends to keep me company). yesterday the clubbers had ZoukOut, but we had ChillOut. no drugs, no booze, just one very long but equally gratifying night of mamak supper meals, board games, youtube clips and crapping (read: shitting through the mouth). for a few hours there, i forgot i had any troubles. thanks to the brother who made this possible by opening his home to me (and another brother) when i could've gone home. there's nothing like staying up till dawn (there's something quiet yet promising about the atmosphere outside) and going over to church after that as a group. sure beats doing the exact same things alone anytime. yawn. my second day of work (also officially the first day i start work under full working hours) begins tomorrow, after some final arrangements for my work pass to be done up (which means i have to wake up earlier to get it done before work at 9am). the last-minute call-in to go for work on saturday actually proved enjoyable, so hopefully tomorrow will pick up from there. and off to bed i finally go, having managed to evoke a reservoir of thankfulness to beat the blues. i really amazed myself today at how little sleep i could do with to get through nearly two days of staying awake. previously i would've conked out by 6.30am the next day and dozed off during the sermon, but this time i not only went into the office but also attended a newsboys concert (not quite what i expected) before doing the whole supper club thing. <- -> i really can't predict myself these days. true, i was never really of the predictable sort, but these days...it's like i've become more bipolar over the months. on the other hand, i've experienced more moments of clarity during this time than before.so i'm becoming crazier yet getting sane more often. does that make any sense, i wonder. at this rate, i'll be a nutcase when i'm 25. and in a mental hospital (woodbridge or permai, take your pick) by 30. okay. but seriously, i don't really know if having the new me around is a good thing or not. in any case, i can tell i'm in a transition mode for something, but for what i don't know yet.
missed *knocks head against the wall* i can't believe i missed this!i was looking forward so much to going for this never-heard-of-and-super-rare event. indie garden, they called it. no one has that morbid a fascination with the night sky as i do, nor has an appreciation for both the sky and local gigs, and i had to go and miss this....@#^&%$<:O;"+=)('':...... i don't know how on earth but i thought the event was this weekend instead of the one that just passed. where was i on that day? i was busy moving things into my new room in sg :S contradictions every day we live a life of conflict.in the in-between moments of sanity, i see the truth for what it really is. and then i am shrouded again in the swirling mists. in the contradiction of life, we let go to gain. we suffer to enjoy. we surrender to be empowered. we die to live. and we lose to ultimately win. wasted people get wasted on all sorts of things.i, meanwhile, knowing alcohol is off-limits, tend to get wasted on two things: music and the internet. and with the combined power of both tonight, i am extra extra drunk. when i get drunk, i start to lose my inhibitions -- it's something i can't help after i reach a certain point of no return -- and experience a substantial failure in the self-control department (hence the fact that i can't help myself). which is why i'm still stuck here in front of the screen even though it's late. sounds just like an alcoholic to me. Better Than Drugs by SKILLET Feel Your every heartbeat Feel You on these empty nights Calm the ache, stop the shakes You clear my mind You’re my escape From this messed-up place ‘Cause You let me forget You numb my pain How can I tell You just all that You are, what You do to me? You’re better than drugs Your love is like wine Feel You comin’ on so fast Feel You comin’ to get me high You’re better than drugs Addicted for life Feel You comin’ on so fast Feel You comin’ on to get me high Feel You when I’m restless Feel You when I cannot cope You’re my addiction, my prescription, My antidote You kill the poison Ease the suffering Calm the rage when I’m afraid To feel again You’re better than drugs Your love is like wine Feel You comin’ on so fast Feel You comin’ to get me high You’re better than drugs Addicted for life Feel You comin’ on so fast Feel You comin’ on to get me high How can I tell you just all that you are, what you do to me? Feel Your every heartbeat Feel You on these empty nights You’re the strength of my life You’re better than drugs Your love is like wine Feel You comin’ on so fast Feel You comin’ to get me high You’re better than drugs Addicted for life Feel You comin’ on so fast Feel You comin’ on to get me high (Feel Your every heartbeat) (Feel You on these empty nights) Feel You comin’ on so fast Feel You comin’ on to get me high Feel You comin’ on so fast Feel You come to get me high |
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