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read between the lines
agony "I wake up, it's a bad dreamNo one on my side I was fighting But I just feel too tired To be fighting Guess I'm not the fighting kind..." -- A Bad Dream, Keane there are some nights where i feel like no matter how much i cry, scream, shout, argue, wail, complain, or do whatever, i still can't do a thing to lift myself from this agony and am just forced to sit it through until the phase passes, which can be anywhere from days to months on end. tonight was one of those nights, those horrible, horrible nights where the wave of negative thoughts threatened to wash away what i knew to be truth and where i was so desperate for a way out that i tried almost everything to distract myself from my old friend called depression. but in the end i was forced to come to terms with my wretched self, my wretched situations and my wretched mood. to call it agonising would be putting it mildly. but thank god for a little light at the end of the tunnel, which i think was god relenting on his part seeing me suffer like that. because it is in times like these that i find myself asking god the usual questions. why is it that i seem to be going through a greater degree and higher frequency of shit than my peers (i.e. people my age)? why, if god wants good things for me, must he make me suffer and torture me with tide after tide of bad tidings after short spurts of goodness? but god, being god, knows that these are the same rhetorical questions i ask that i already know the answers to. because you are different, my child. because you are set apart for something greater. because you asked for more wisdom and understanding of the things that really matter in life. because i need you to learn certain lessons that can only come about through suffering. there are times when those answers make me feel worse instead of actually comforting me. because i am not that strong a person, contrary to what people who don't know me tend to think. it actually wearies me that there's nothing i can do about my pain and the only balm to it is when god gives a revelation or i consciously distract myself. and now i have to go because mcdonald's is closing. damn. |
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