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read between the lines
2nd camp & extended stay (kl/pj)  i came knowing almost no one in this camp but left knowing a few more people, though they were mostly a blur of faces. the second day was better, in terms of networking, because the very kind camp commandant introduced me to someone, who in turn introduced me to someone else and so on. but there weren't many i could really talk to, though i did try over the next few days.the talks were insightful, to say the least and the daytime programmes were tastefully planned and were more varied, compared to the usual church camps i go to: different workshops conducted at the same time, interactive discussion groups and others. i also decided to take part in games this time, in order to know more people.  my stay here was made more comfortable, not only because the place was grand and provided good service (the bathtub didn't leak so i was able to indulge in conversations with god amidst soothing bubble baths), but also because i had a reasonable roommate, thankfully. not only was she able to take my long baths and late nights, she was also up for conversation and i found her easy to talk to, even though she was supposed to be a person of authority.personal time really started coming to life for me on the final night when i was hit by a private revelation...and that woke me up.  other than the camp, i had an extended stay in this state due to last-minute family matters. i took this opportunity to see more of my upstate friends (those who were free), whom i had not been able to meet with in person previously:sully is the first person i know who asks more questions than me (and therefore has no problem with my barrage of questions, to my delight). he is also one of the rare people i know who can actually converse with me on a deeper level (but then again, he was a philosophy major). not only do i owe him a pricey lunch (hehe), but i also owe him for his help one not-so-fine day.  i also met up with u2 fan mincay3 over coffee. he was surprisingly was easy to connect with, right from the get-go, which is rare because people usually take time to warm up to me and vice versa. it was interesting and meaningful to see what he had on his person; i've never known anyone else who carries mementos he wants to be remembered by, everywhere he goes (should misfortune suddenly befall him).m-r and i got to meet as well. we've known each other since...eons, right? (i know you're reading this, haha.) i was treated to vietnamese food, which i've never eaten before and introduced to the dragonfruit (i know, i know, i am so jakun). our meetup was cut short though, since m-r's parents came shortly. there. done recapping.
1st camp (malacca)  i knew everyone, more or less, at this camp. it was a privilege and an eye-opener to hang out with the younger crowd (comprising tweens) this time, compared to the older crowd (the age group directly below mine), because they exhibited genuine care and concern for one another, behind all the crazy pranks and disinterest in some parts of the sermons. unfortunately, most people don't view them in this perspective. usually the old would be taking care of the young, but in this case it was vice versa. generally, i don't say much when in group settings, because it's rare that i am actually comfortable with the presence of every person in the group to feel safe enough to express myself. but they, being young and not yet familiar with social cues, were more upfront about things and therefore had no qualms saying or asking 'uncomfortable' (as perceived by older people) questions or statements. this actually helped me to fit in, because it created an atmosphere devoid of the usual prejudice, awkwardness and underlying tension.fellowship aside, i also managed to do my own things too. this camp, i deliberately put my foot down when it came to playing the piano for worship too often (the last camp resulted in me having no free time because i was either playing or preparing for every session).  i paid for an entire apartment (living room, balcony, kitchenette, bedroom and bathroom), all to myself for three days, which is the largest space i've ever stayed in on my own, so needless to say, i was elated, despite the bad service (the place was a mess initially and housekeeping was late). it gave me the freedom to talk openly to god whenever i wanted without having to deal with curious onlookers. i also had fun taking shots of tourist spots in malacca -- the a'formosa fort and st. paul's church (both on the hill) as well as the maritime museum -- all of which i hadn't revisited since i was a child, plus a history museum. i also walked around two new shopping malls nearby (for cooling off). i usually like to explore new places alone so i need not feel hurried or be rushed along (the only exception was when i joined the younger ones for late night supper and window-shopping along jonker walk).
in a nutshell i returned from my extended sojourn early this month but, since life just seemed to pick up where it last left off here, i was not able to blog. until now.i was away for two different church camps early this month, as well as a last-minute extended stay in kl (this time it was official). yet not so different in some areas. i left, selfishly, for mostly personal reasons. but i was glad to get a whole lot more out of the experience while i was there. god revealed a lot to me during that time. he revealed the work he was doing amongst the younger generation. that was very encouraging for me to see. he also revealed, to my disappointment, that wherever i am, i will act the same way if put in similar situations. and in such similar situations i was put in when i was away. which brought home the rather annoying point i was trying to avoid (because i didn't know how to face it) that, in the end, the only thing that needs to change is me. he brought other things to my attention too. and it was a lot to take in..the lessons, the challenges, they followed me home, all of which are intended to bring me gradually back to a life of joy, of no condemnation and of security in christ. elaborations on the trip in the following posts.
i've found my groom whoever wrote and executed the script for this mtv is a genius.the way they painted up the groom, they made him look so....nubile. (no, he's not the one in red, though brandon urie is a looker too.) i know that term is meant for females, but i can't think of a male equivalent for him. yes, this is what i do when i've got nothing better to do. haha. the haunting past i know i'm supposed to update, but since the backlog of stuff behind me is huge, i will not be writing on it tonight and will choose to move on instead...in a way it's good that my life's full of events, and that god reveals to me stuff about myself or about the people around me every day, but..the bad part is that like what a friend shared, sometimes your heart has to have time to catch up with your mind. and that's so true. i can't just whip up a new-and-improved jessica within a few days, or even weeks. the process is gradual...and not instant. the old wounds still hurt when prodded and the mind still thinks a certain way...though it can be conditioned to redirect itself if it is going too far down the wrong path. but yeah. i'm focusing on no more condemnation. and thanking god that unlike some people, god is patient with me. and will see me to completion as he moulds me into the daughter, friend, sister, christian he wants me to be. bits of my past do pop up a lot, some held in very painful memory. but i guess, like what another friend has said, the past has to be dug up in order for me to deal with it and move on. i don't mind the facing but what i mind is the dealing, because there is no set formula to deal with something. but thankfully that's where jesus is the manual, the instruction book. and this is where i get to exercise my faith and trust in him to guide me and tell me what to do as i navigate through this difficult area in my life. sometimes it's really discouraging when certain things in the present are still as they remained in the past and at that point it's really easy to blame myself and just say that every single wrong turning down the beaten path is all my doing, but i guess those are times when i am reminded that the only one condemning me is the devil because even if i did go wrong, what really matters is what i choose to do next, not what i have done. to paraphrase yet another friend's concept: "i'd rather have a future with no past than have a past with no future, because the former would be death and the latter would be life." i don't have to stay broken and hurt forever. what i do now, how i choose to react, will change all that. by the grace of god, i will get through everything in life that he has set me apart for. every single, damn, painful thing. amen. |
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