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read between the lines
the haunting past i know i'm supposed to update, but since the backlog of stuff behind me is huge, i will not be writing on it tonight and will choose to move on instead...in a way it's good that my life's full of events, and that god reveals to me stuff about myself or about the people around me every day, but..the bad part is that like what a friend shared, sometimes your heart has to have time to catch up with your mind. and that's so true. i can't just whip up a new-and-improved jessica within a few days, or even weeks. the process is gradual...and not instant. the old wounds still hurt when prodded and the mind still thinks a certain way...though it can be conditioned to redirect itself if it is going too far down the wrong path. but yeah. i'm focusing on no more condemnation. and thanking god that unlike some people, god is patient with me. and will see me to completion as he moulds me into the daughter, friend, sister, christian he wants me to be. bits of my past do pop up a lot, some held in very painful memory. but i guess, like what another friend has said, the past has to be dug up in order for me to deal with it and move on. i don't mind the facing but what i mind is the dealing, because there is no set formula to deal with something. but thankfully that's where jesus is the manual, the instruction book. and this is where i get to exercise my faith and trust in him to guide me and tell me what to do as i navigate through this difficult area in my life. sometimes it's really discouraging when certain things in the present are still as they remained in the past and at that point it's really easy to blame myself and just say that every single wrong turning down the beaten path is all my doing, but i guess those are times when i am reminded that the only one condemning me is the devil because even if i did go wrong, what really matters is what i choose to do next, not what i have done. to paraphrase yet another friend's concept: "i'd rather have a future with no past than have a past with no future, because the former would be death and the latter would be life." i don't have to stay broken and hurt forever. what i do now, how i choose to react, will change all that. by the grace of god, i will get through everything in life that he has set me apart for. every single, damn, painful thing. amen. |
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