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read between the lines
i say this, but... i've been sitting here in the midst of what i call switchfoot therapy, trying to come up with words that would be worth blogging about, yet true to what i say and do. but...i just couldn't. but i'll try one last time.i find myself a contradiction of sorts. i say i want to give up, but there's this stubborn (or strong-willed, depending on which side of the coin people look at) part of me that won't let go (so is being that necessarily a problem or not?). i say i've had enough of going through the motions, the same routine, same shit feelings that don't do anyone any good, the same...downward spiral. but yet i still feel it on some days. i say my brain can't handle reality and i immerse myself in unproductive distractions like watching tv shows on home dvds or gaming till dawn, yet i find myself in moments like these, confronting the truth my mind tries to avoid. i say i feel like reacting how i normally would: thrash things around, retaliate coldness for coldness, reflect 'i don't care's for 'i don't care either's, pack up and leave behind this suitcase of bad news after bad, but instead i give up my anger, return stolidity with a smile and open arms, respond to indifference with interest, and stay throughout everything that unfolds. why? i really don't know, other than the reason that it must be some kind of miracle every time i do the opposite of what i feel like doing. |
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