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read between the lines
indefinable me i tried to write about how my typical day would go. but i realise i just couldn't. i don't stick to routines. so i gave up.i can't explain when asked how i can want to be alone at times (in my best mood) and yet can't stand to be alone at others (in my worst mood). i can't explain how sometimes i can do my quiet time amidst rock music and chattering voices when other times the slightest unnatural sound (read: anything not from natural surroundings) irritates me and jolts me out of concentration. i can't explain how i can like taking night walks and admiring god's creation at night when other times, sitting in the dark just makes me feel invisible and insignificant and the stars fail to inspire me. i can't explain how one week i can remain in such a good mood and have such high resistance towards negative thoughts and how the next week i can crumble like a pack of cards the minute a mere whiff of negativity infiltrates my mind and find myself unable to snap out of it. i can't explain my actions because i'm unpredictable -- neither one extreme nor the other constantly. i switch and that's just how i am. it makes me hard to read, i know, but in a way i like the fact that i am open to change, though most people don't always see it in that light. and so i will make no effort to explain myself. because i can't. and i make no apologies if that makes it hard for people to figure me out, because this is how god made me, and i don't see it as a bad thing. people say "don't put god in a box"; well, i'm pretty much indefinable too. |
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