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read between the lines
nothing time has caught up and so must my updates. i shall begin with something splashed on the walls of the esplanade tunnel that i walk past every other day:"sometimes you get traded in for something better but you'll always be whole." -- Imitative Polyphony: I Am Only Music, Jason Moss i never thought the quote above, part of the mural exhibition of the month, would ever make sense to me until work happened. and then suddenly the words i saw everyday as i walked past started to make sense. yes, i'll always be whole because i won't feel like an extra, unfitted half of a corporation who no longer needs me. i took the first two weeks pretty badly. i was made to do absolutely nothing at all....and it made me feel redundant. or like a tiang lampu ('streetlamp' in malay), as my cousin would say. made me realise that all my life this question of significance and personal worth has always popped up subconsciously in my mind and reappeared in various situations through the years, most of which, i am forced to endure even though i hate it and it sucks feeling like a pointless semi-colon amongst other seemingly meaningful full-stops. thank god the third week onwards was better. i did not have to put on a markedly false happy face at work (i don't really make an effort to fake anything 'cause i'm a terrible liar) as an ambassador of a divine joy-provider because i was genuinely no longer unhappy about doing nothing. i got creative and figured i would try to make doing nothing as interesting as possible - plus i started to not care about getting scolded anymore, since the worst they could do to me had already happened. days were spent reading a book i never quite finished, familiarising myself with microsoft games, sleeping (discreetly), polishing as well as sending resumes and having a ton of outside events happen to me that would not have been possible without god allowing them to happen. i also found that it helped a lot if i made my way back to jb and hence avoided the now gloomy prospect of having to come home to my landlady and all her 'young and active' children. this was a surprising find because, on a normal day, coming home would be a nightmare. but thankfully, god has kept routine squabbles and sibling rivalry to a minimum for the time being. it is also somewhat heartening to see three amiable and furry best friends bounding up to the gate every time i arrive home -- i admit that these canine companions, being of a different species, are given leeway to express their emotions more openly than their human counterparts would. i'm falling asleep and tomorrow, another day of getting up early to sit down and do nothing, looms ahead. so here i lay my pen (or rather, keyboard) to rest, while i wait for the story to unfold, for it has not yet ended. though it is mostly a difficult story to write, i am thankful for the spiritual insights i get, the glimpses of the view from Above, the people the Author sends my way and the very simple, yet very important fact that He cares, even if He's got 99 other sheep in His fold with whom He could have moved on. [luke 15:4-7] |
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