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read between the lines
new way to be human man, i gotta stop lifting from song titles (this one's from switchfoot) to name my entries.i just cannot describe the unbridled joy and freedom i've had in me since this very timely wake-up call. it feels really good not being anybody's sucker anymore, haha. other than being a sucker for god, or more accurately a "fool for christ" (1 cor 4:10). anyway, there's more i wish to expand on regarding my previous post's topic. having a secure point to anchor my significance and personal worth on has just taken so much pressure off the process of developing friendships. case in point, mutual accountability. before i was so bent on deriving some form of significance from friendships (those i saw potential in) that i would feel somewhat unsatisfied if the friends i met up with consistently seemed to reveal what i sensed to be only the surface of their lives. the fact that they seemed almost strangers to me made me feel left out and therefore of not much worth to them. i also used to get pretty upset whenever i read blogs of people i regularly meet whom i regarded as close friends, only to find out tons of things they were going through that i was never aware of. to me, it was like finding out your cousin was gay through the national newspaper instead of straight from the horse's mouth. it seemed to me that i was so insignificant to said people that they couldn't even give me a heads up on the big issues of their lives. which made me feel even more useless and unwanted here on this earth. after but now, i don't really care. because i realised, it doesn't really matter in the end (hey, linkin park). i've found my significance and personal worth in christ, so there's no need to find it elsewhere already. there are no more "requirements" for anybody to be my friend anymore. which i think is probably the most likely explanation for the influx of new friends this past month (it's been unbelievable the number of people i've gone out teh tarik-ing with, late-night mamak style). oh, and i'm fine with listening to recycled stories now. tests my memory skills, haha. and of blogs? they don't bother me anymore, cos i'm no longer reading them for the wrong reasons. i don't need to be 'in the know' to feel important (like i'm worth something) anymore. |
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