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read between the lines
my first direct sister-in-law i need to keep up sleeping early, but i do want to keep this blog alive. torn between the two, i decided to break the rules and do the latter tonight, so i can get my updating over and done with sooner. but gosh, i miss this lovely silence. although it isn't really silence because as usual, i have buds in my ears. buds that pump out music, something that i cannot fathom living without.returning to my updates, my cousin (probably the closest i've ever had to having a real big brother) invited my relatives and i to his modest and simple wedding dinner. his mother used to babysit me at their place when i was little so we did use to hang out a lot. he was dressed impeccably in a black tuxedo suit, so he actually looked kinda hot, haha. but then again, which guy in a black tuxedo wouldn't look hot? his bride was, of course, smashing in a puffy violet wedding evening gown when she arrived. she later changed into something similar in pink. both sets of parents sat at the couple's table and so did the old matriarch of the family, my maternal grandmother, as well as my oldest uncle (and his wife) -- to represent my grandfather, i was told (ditto for the other family). anyway kong kong would've been proud; i'm sure he was beaming as he witnessed the whole thing from heaven that night. for some stupid reason, i forgot to bring my palm...which meant i couldn't take any pictures. my brother got a video grab of the wedding march though, but i am obviously not going to post it here. dinner went the way all chinese wedding dinners are supposed to go, on a small scale, sans the overly familiar gesture of dimming the lights and turning on kitaro's overplayed song to herald the arrival of the first dish, thankfully. i didn't understand why apple cider was used in place of wine though, for the cork-popping and yaaaaaaaaaaam seng toast. plus we got a slice of the wedding cake the next day. as for the wedding itself, actually, when i first heard the news i was kinda shocked 'cause i didn't see it coming. my cousin is a number of years older than me, while his bride is, well, younger than me. so i have to confess, i felt a little skeptical. i mean, i read the papers...enough said. but when i actually got to see her in person, i have to say those doubts disappeared. i know looks don't necessarily account for anything, but she did look mature for her age, not like some hiao, naive character with fantasy-induced ideals about how true love should be like. so i really did mean what i said when i wished her well. that night after i got home, i repented of my judgemental reservations and genuinely prayed for Him to bless and sustain their marriage. and i look forward to getting to know my new sister-in-law better through the many clan reunions to come. birthday banter i decided to do something different this birthday: spend some one-on-one time with god. it was actually pretty rewarding and worth every penny. at first i had my doubts, but the minute i checked into the room of my favourite hotel, i was stoked. yes, i had been planning this and saving up for some time *rubs hands together like mad scientist*. anyway, i unexpectedly received some extra money on my birthday so it's almost like i didn't take anything out of my savings, hehe.solitary times have always been hard to come by and i was starting to crave thos  e times i could just hold a normal verbal conversation with god and not get interrupted or get weird stares. what's more, with my regular friends studying or working this year (times have changed and we're all not on holiday like before), i figured i might as well spend my favourite day of the year with the Big Kahuna, haha. i've never been one to blackmail people into hanging out with me if they're busy just because it's my birthday anyway.besides, my cell group "surprised" me the day before and made me make a wish and blow off a candle on a slice of cake one of them had kindly sponsored (thanks friend, my favourite flavour too -- mocha), which i was thoroughly embarassed to do while cameras snapped (ah, the benefits of being in a cell group). to cut the story short, i blew the candle off before anyone could snap any photos of me, confessed i had made an empty wish and instead chose to tell them the pre-birthday gift i received from god a few hours earlier: my days of unemployment were coming to an end. woo hoo. an interesting gift i got this year from a friend was a book by some spiritual walk guru called fenelon. never heard of him, but he  helped my friend a lot...so i'm guessing his writings must be good stuff, heh. thanks also go out to the well wishes i got via SMS, heh.back to my personal retreat. this time i brought my palm, so i managed to capture some of the awesome views, or at least what i could take of them, since the palm can neither zoom nor focus. i rather like staring for hours at scenery from high vantage points, so it was good therapy, heh. before that i went out to watch a movie: it was a choice between beowolf and lions for lambs, and i chose the former, which i regretted. it was the most tasteless, chauvinistic crap i had ever seen come to life from paperback to silver screen and i have no idea if the book was that bad. sure, the graphics were reasonably realistic but i'd have rather watched the polar express if that was the case. i also decided to gorge on my favourite food for dinner: chicken lasag  na, organic tea and the chocolate indulgence cake. i was considering wolfing down an earthquake ice-cream set, but i was too full so i shall do it another time when my stomach has more room, hehe.anyway i tried to make the best of my limited time as i could because from experience, one day is never enough. i mostly reflected and gave thanks for the past one year (since my last birthday). i also had a few things in my head sorted out: thankfully there wasn't much to sort out this time, since god had already sorted out a lot in the past few months. overall, i was glad that the year that was supposed to signify my official entry into the adult world reflected its age through the events that have happened. by His grace and enabling (and lots of prayers from myself and the friends around me), i've progressed a lot in terms of personal growth. looking back on this past year, i can see now that everything has happened exactly as it should have. and even though it was difficult to go through certain hardships having not understood why, i am glad He brought me through them, now that i have a better view and understanding of the Big Picture and am tasting some of the fruits of my labour. i also covered my future in prayer, for i knew it didn't just end there. my workplace revisited i went back to my old workplace last month to do a two-day project with a much simpler job scope : admin-related duties and packing with the finance department. actually it was four days, but we ended earlier than expected. ironically, my previous department had shifted elsewhere so finance had relocated temporarily to my old area! so coming back brought back a greater feeling of nostalgia than i had expected. (trivia: i used to do my quiet time behind those sliding doors at the right.)nonetheless i really enjoyed my stint there. although a good number of my ex-colleagues had left, there were just as many colleagues that i knew that remained, including my dear friend who had helped me get back in the first place ;). it was fun lunching and catching up on times with them again. made me realise this was probably the only company so far i actually really enjoyed working at. our work was mostly relegated to packing, data entry, printing out and arranging invoices -- stuff that required a lot of passing around and working together -- so we mostly occupied the other room behind my old working area. this meant that my old place was generally deserted. yet, my old desk didn't look that empty...  ...although the cubicle next to mine had been demolished.  the cistern i clumsily broke was still there, haha.  but the toilet bowl connected to it had a sign with these four strange characters taped to it.  i am guessing those words mean "out of order" (mandarin-literate readers, correct me if i'm wrong)? as long as it doesn't say "jessica was responsible for this", i'm fine with it, haha. doing simple tasks wasn't that bad because the stuff we were doing was related to a national event next year: new and free textbooks nationwide -- i like that kinda thing, being part of something impactful. plus i was working with mostly student part-timers, which meant they were less strict about things (no dress code, no ban on online chats and music, etc.) and i wasn't stuck to the same task the whole time, which would've made it boring and monotonous. now when i say students, i really meant students -- of the sekolah menengah, dressed-in-my- brother's-schoolclothes kind. (in fact i think they all were from his school.) naturally, i was kinda sad when i was told on the car ride home that that would be my last day for that day (the driver was my boss, which turned out to be this really nice lady). sigh, what i would give to work with nice people like that...heh.
back from outer space i've just finished reading, replying and cleaning up my inbox. phew! i had at least around a hundred i hadn't yet read. and some event-related emails were so backdated the chance to reply them had passed. this is what happens when you stave off the internet in an attempt to reset your circadian rhythm to more normal levels (incidentally, an older friend had got his vocabulary wrong and told me his biological clock was ticking and so he had to sleep. when i heard only the first part i was like what the ...?).first update to do a little tinkering with my previous entry (okay, done), which i felt was never really finished, because when i wrote it i was already attempting the above challenge as part of my new internal cleaning-up regiment of trying to regain self-discipline, which has been eroding and seeping into my spiritual life (something i wasn't very aware of until someone pointed it out). that, and the increasing need to adapt to the next phase of my life, convinced me to change my sleeping time. slow as the results may come, i believe in the long-term gain of my efforts and am trusting for a better, greater change to come about in my life. for someone whose mind works best at the early hours of the morning and who enjoys the peaceful, cool silence of the night that daytime can never bring, starting out was obviously slow and difficult. but as they say, perseverance pays off if you keep at it long enough (and at least i am putting it to good use this time). a few (at least what i can remember up until now) updates are to come, so stay tuned. not losing sight thank god for surrounding me with level-headed, similar-minded godly peers and counselors to get me back on the right track. sunday i was reminded of what was really important in life and i haven't looked back since.i had a look back on beth moore's article later that night and she also said "we must continually offer our precious ones to the One who loves them most." guess i had missed out that portion --even though it was the main theme -- due to being blindsided on my part. beth moore was referring to abraham's act of sacrificing isaac, which i had always been taught to refer to a symbol of christ being offered as a sacrifice for atonement of sins, or even ourselves being offered up as living sacrifices (as mentioned in purpose-driven life). but here, ms. moore was adding another possible sacrifice to the list: our friendships on the altar. and once i realised the truth of it all, i promptly laid them down: all the failed ones that came back to haunt me now and then. and i felt so much better and at peace after doing the simple act of surrendering all these things to god. funny how i wasn't aware that i was going down the same road until i was told, but as i listened to what was said on sunday, suddenly all the words of guidance from the past came flooding back to my mind and the gears in my head clicked. greg laurie just about summed it up in one of the paragraphs in his devotional for the following day: "god may not give you everything you hoped for in life. then again, he may give you more. you just leave that up to god and put Him first." once in a while i still dream about these people, still in their unreconciled state, like hurts frozen in time. but i have learned not to take them seriously nor let them affect my day, because i know who and what matters first now -- god and seeking his kingdom and righteousness. being sure of myself i happened to come across this quote this week using a scrubs quote generator that...says it all."I guess it comes down to how we want to be seen by other people. Some people want to be seen as the rebel. Some people just want to be seen, period. Some people have limits on how far they'll go to protect their image. For me, it was when I stopped worrying about how other people saw me that I finally started to look better." so take THAT, my detractors. enough has been said about this topic for now so i've no need to say more, other than that the above advice couldn't be more true, having seen it play out in my life over the past few months now (and counting). on another note, i can't believe november has already swept into my life. time flies when you're not keeping tabs on it. and i saw stardust today. which surprisingly wasn't as cheesy as i thought it would be, thanks to lots of wit and a reasonable enough plot, although i have yet to read neil gaiman's written version of it. can't wait to watch derek mcdreamy -- oops, i mean patrick dempsey -- in action when enchanted (a similar fairytale-themed movie) comes out soon. hee! re: any future to this past? this last song i happen to be listening to seems apt to what i've just been mentioning. (used to be one of my favourites when i was younger, too.)Drive by INCUBUS Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer It's driven me before and it seems to a faint haunting mass appeal But lately I am beginning to find that I should be the one behing the wheel Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there I'll be there So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive? It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around But lately I'm beginning to find that When I drive myself my light is found Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there I'll be there Would you choose water over wine hold the wheel and drive? Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeah Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there I'll be there
any future to this past? the church i've been attending lately keeps having this phrase on the front of its brochure every week: "finish well". i know they meant finish life's race towards christ well, but yesterday it just took on a whole new meaning for me.there are some friendships in life that start out rocky, but over time gain ground and are retained and upkept reasonably well. and then there are others that start on good footing, but over time crumble and disappear. i know some people who have gone through this tell me i can look back and say we did have some pretty good times and just appreciate those things and "leave out all the rest", but i just can't quite get over these types of friendships, especially if they ended with a question mark, as if there were loose ends to tie up that were left untied. i mean, how on earth can you get over nehemiah 12's penultimate chapter of celebration if you knew the ending in chapter 13 didn't leave it on a happy note? or how can you rest easy and smile with ryan and marissa in the early episodes of season 3 if you knew he was going to end up with someone else and she was going to get killed off at the finale? i cannot fathom going, "oh, the israelites had a great time because they celebrated on a grand scale in chapter 12 and all was well, and nevermind the fact that in the end they deviated from god's law of purification from foreigners." even in following passages, they had the future promise of reconciliation with god to look forward to, not the past. i find it much easier to put the above advice into practice for those friendships that ended on a clean break with proper goodbyes. but for those that ended abruptly, with no clear reasons and no transition phases...they leave me very unsettled, when i actually let myself think (or am reminded) of them. which is why there are times i wish i had never gotten to know certain people if i knew we weren't going to "finish well". yes, i would rather not have known these people so deeply had i known they were going to hurt me so badly in the end. but of course, we don't. we end up finding out each other's pet peeves and stances on heart-to-heart issues. but here's the question: is this the end yet? will god, in time, come and reconcile us to each other? or is this going to end the easy man's way where everyone just ends up in heaven after we die and go..."yeah, i finally forgive you, after like, a gazillion millenniums because i see and understand everything in its completion now," but when i was alive i never made amends with you nor accepted your apologies. and while i was living on earth, having kids who had their own kids, i kind of forgot about you, while you grew old and still had that scar in your heart that never quite healed all those eighty years of your life." i don't want to do this (working on new friendships) again. it's so ironic that sometimes i'm just sick of developing friendships and starting over in my life and yet there are times where i've felt so alone and foreign to human life that i knew i needed to have friends. because i know history will repeat itself, in small but impactful percentages. i've always said that making friends is the easy part, 'cause no one knows who you are (and you don't really know the other person as well), but keeping friends is the difficult part because, over time as you both get to know more about each other, one of you might lose your level of tolerance for less desirable characteristics either of you possesses. granted, there are some friendships that just seem to take on lives of their own and just go along smoothly because we're both on the same wavelength and therefore the level of comfort is there (thus lessening tension and disconnect). but most friendships will eventually hit a major bump in the road along the way over some kind of disagreement about something. and whether the friendship becomes stronger than before, or reduced to nothing, really depends on how both parties choose to react -- whether they choose to reconcile or "agree to disagree", or whether they choose to hold a grudge or give up on the friendship. and there is only so much one can do, if the other party chooses to severe ties. the worst case scenario is, one party has no idea why while the other party does but withholds the information. if i am the latter, the problem is as good as solved because i hate to see a good friendship go to waste, no matter how much of a beating it has taken. but if i am the former, there is nothing i can do, after having done all that is in my capacity to do. and it is this undone helplessness that irks me. thus i am reminded once again that i am not in control of my life, god is. speaking of control, while i was debating in the bath last month about whether i was ever in control of anything here on earth, including my life, i was reminded that of this i am in control of: my resolve. (some call it self-control or the will.) and although it was something that had to be (and still has to be) trained, this is the one thing god has allowed us to control, which sets into effect our free will and this is the one thing i can change while i wait in uncertainty. |
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