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read between the lines
post-morph i just came back from an annual camp i've been attending ever since i first found out i could qualify, which was back in 2003. and what a camp it's been, even though it is so different from camps past.for starters, i think they were low on funds because this was the first time it ended up being a day camp, which is bad for me 'cause i don't even live there. which is where the women's camp i just attended a few weeks ago came in handy -- my dear roommate from that camp became my answered prayer to my lodging needs for this camp as she let me bunk in with her at her campus dormitory. secondly, i had originally signed up for this camp with a friend and had specifically requested in my form to be placed in the same group, but i ended up being matched to a different group instead, one that had a few faces that i was pretty sure weren't pleased to see me as much as i wasn't pleased to see them. but that turned out to be a blessing in disguise because they had new people in the group and the leader turned out to be quite a doll. he was so understanding he let me switch groups if i wanted, but i ended up staying...and i'm glad i did, because he saw to all the pathetic needs i had as a scaredy cat, haha. he teman-ed (in this context teman means 'accompany' in malay) me every evening that i arrived after work when i was too embarrassed to walk to the front row when sessions had already begun, or to walk around looking for our group in the makeshift dining area during dinnertime. it also helped that he was mature beyond his years 'cause he was younger than me. and i still got to hang out with my friend and the group i originally signed up for when we went out for supper after each session. these pools of new people are part of the reason i return each year for camp, as i was explaining during group-sharing time. it's funny how we tend to take liberties (that come with school) like friends for granted until their moments actually pass us. the sessions themselves were...well i felt they were rather rushed. this was probably 'cos the speaker had come before for a previous camp, when it was held for a longer duration which allowed him the time to speak more thoroughly and orderly on his topics. this time it was more like a quick brush-through with some skimming over of the same topics. and it wasn't exactly accurate to the camp's theme for this year, unlike the year where he had the liberty of time to expound on what he wanted to say. speaking of which, i felt the organisers didn't really refer much to the theme during the camp, unlike previous years. and i found it ironic that when the camp coordinator made her opening speech to open this 'real christian, real world' themed camp, she wasn't being 'real' at all. people at the back probably wouldn't have noticed but because my group was seated near the front, i could definitely see flashes of frustration over her face being quickly covered by exaggerated plastic smiles when the crowd wasn't all ears at the beginning. but i guess that's just her style of doing things. two songs that were new to me that really struck a chord (or many, haha) within me were hosanna by hillsong united and this one below, which resonated so deeply within my heart that i actually remembered the lyrics long after camp ended. To Live Is Christ by YOUTH ALIVE I make a vow My life will always honour You Whether I live or die I belong to Him He bore my sin I owe this life to my saving King I make a vow My life will always honour You Whether I live or die I belong to Him He bore my sin I owe this life to my saving King Hallelujah, I am not my own You are in control Hallelujah For me to live is Christ And to die is gain No matter what price I pay I choose to give this life away I make a vow My life will always honour you Whether I live or die I belong to Him He bore my sin I owe this life to my saving King I make a vow My life will always honour You Whether I live or die I belong to Him He bore my sin I owe this life to my saving King Hallelujah, I am not my own You are in control Hallelujah For me to live is Christ And to die is gain No matter what price I pay I choose to give this life away Only by the cross I am saved Only by the cross I am saved Hallelujah, I am not my own You are in control Hallelujah For me to live is Christ And to die is gain No matter what price I pay I choose to give this life away For me to live is Christ And to die is gain No matter what price I pay I choose to give this life away Only by the cross I am saved Only by the cross I am saved -- p.s. my christmas wasn't a blue one after all, thank god. 'twas the day before christmas they gave us half a day off at work today...yay. a surprising thing happened. i didn't expect to be touched when i crashed a friend's fellowship potluck but i was, when the host of the house popped in a dvd entitled life without limbs which was a motivational-talk-cum-sermon by nick vujicic, an australian guy born without limbs.the dvd also showed a few shots of how nick gets by with daily routines like combing his hair and pouring himself a cup of water (yes, with no hands nor legs, merely his shoulder blades and a stump that works as a left 'foot'.) i was particularly touched and encouraged by nick's answer in response to why he has to go through all this suffering, being limbless and all. he said it was so God can "strengthen us, to draw us closer to him and grow with him." he also brought up the passage where the blind guy got healed by jesus so that the works of god might be seen in him. at first it didn't really hit me that hard, because i mean those are the typical christian answers you get. but to see someone like him believe those words and say them with conviction was something else. i mean here i was, on christmas eve, feeling low and useless and pathetic and alone yet able-bodied, and there nick was, on fire, encouraged, joyful and full of life despite the difficulties he has to face due to having no arms nor legs. it made me think, if someone who seems so much worse off than me can overcome suicide and depression and end up motivating people for a living instead of wallowing in his state of things...then why can't i? nick's testimony gave me some hope and more of a reason (or zest) to go through life. he also said a whole lot of other stuff that i could relate to and am struggling with right now, which was why at certain points of the dvd i was swallowing my own tears when no one was looking. one of the things he said that also greatly encouraged me to hold on was when he said if something we pray for doesn't happen (in God's time), God's got something better planned for us. i can think of at least one dashed dream i can apply this to; reader, if you've followed my entries you know exactly what it is. cake bake 2 it's amazing what sleep, or the lack of sleep can do. slept all day and all evening today, and i finally feel so...rested. and less crappy about life. actually life's been way crappier before so i shouldn't have been complaining. anyway i have no idea how i'm going to catch up on the backlog of updates, but i suppose it'll give me ample chance to practise keeping things to the point, haha.it's just that everytime i summarise, it feels like i haven't painted the whole picture, so it could be interpreted less accurately and in many more ways than if i had narrowed the thing down and gone into specifics. but just like conversation, i am learning that sometimes people don't really need to hear the whole thing...and if they want to they'll ask (most times). guess it's just how i was brought up...my mom is more accustomed to telling a long story to an answer instead of going through the shortcut.  first up today is my second cake-baking session with my aunt on 26 november. this time i decided to progress to a marble cake -- she said the only difference is it has more colours, but i'd like to believe the cocoa, vanilla and raspberry colourings i mixed in added more flavour to the cake. we didn't burn it this time, and at least now i was prepared to work out and really use my arms, but apparently i was still too slow in my beating (creaming would be a more polite term)...especially when it came to adding the eggs. so in the end my aunt had to add flour in between egg additions even though she wasn't supposed to (until all the eggs had been added). the cake was more well-received than before -- it was finished up faster by my family -- so that must mean i did a good job of it, haha. other than the cake-baking, i did get to chat with my aunt and bond a bit more. i also took the time (while waiting for the cake to finish baking) to play with the big, lanky dogs my family gave to her, suki and simon. unfortunately, i did not bring my palm -- another missed photo opportunity. suki and simon were part of a litter that the dog across my street gave birth to, second time round. unfortunately some sadistic jerk threw acid all over her later on and she died early, while two of her puppies got run over by a car and the rest of suki and simon's brothers had to go to a church uncle's animal shelter (the uncle always says he can't remember them so i can only hope they ended up in good homes).i have old photos of them though -- they look totally different as small puppies and now humongous, really rough and strong dogs. s  eriously, they get so excited when i walk into their enclosure that they stand up and scratch, shove or even bite my fingers (suki does that when i'm trying to push her down) with love. haha. by the way, that's simon's head at the grill; he has these funny brown markings where his eyes are, like someone covered in yellow ochre paint punched his eye sockets, haha. that's the only combo picture i have of them as grown dogs...the ones that show more of them are individual...which i'll have to show some other time.
switchfoot in singapore "Well, that's all I can think of at the moment, hope everyone is doing well. We'll be home for the rest of the year, before visiting the Pacific Rim on January (Indonesia, Bali, New Zealand, Singapore, you know, mostly places with really good waves). Then we'll be in the studio Feb-March recording our new record (due out Fall 2008), and probably head back out for a few US dates in April. As always, check switchfoot.com for the latest tour dates and info.switchfoot is coming to singapore? aaaaaaaaahhhhh...that's the best piece of news i've heard today. i better start saving up once i have the means to. hee. blue christmas and while i'm on the subject, please explain to me how "'tis the season to be merry" because i just feel like laying down and dying right now. okay well not really dying, but gosh i wish i wasn't here, in this situation, again).but then again i'm not really sure which was worse...being stuck with nothing to do for a few hours and then coming home and having no time for anything else but sleep and final words from god, or being stuck with nowhere to go for the night and then coming to work and having no mood for anything else but sleep and final words from god. i wish i didn't have to work. or at least i wish i didn't have to spend hours everyday trying to fill up my time when i could be doing better things at home or at some quiet sanctuary. sometimes i don't know why you put me here, god. you think i can do it but i am not so sure sometimes. and you. why oh why did you pray for me so specifically that it cut like a knife..i have never cried so uncontrollably like i did that night, not for many months.
no surprises No Surprisesby RADIOHEAD A heart that's full up like a landfill A job that slowly kills you Bruises that won't heal You look so tired and unhappy Bring down the government They don't, they don't speak for us I'll take a quiet life A handshake of carbon monoxide No alarms and no surprises No alarms and no surprises No alarms and no surprises Silent, silent This is my final fit, my final bellyache with No alarms and no surprises No alarms and no surprises No alarms and no surprises please Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here) No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here) No alarms and no surprises please (let me out of here) -- it's not that my jobs sucks. au contraire, it's actually turning out well so far, surprisingly. but what i hate is the routine of working life. i hate silent nights and being stuck around for hours with nothing to do while the stupid jam clears. not that i've had many, but i foresee i that i will in future. call me ungrateful, but sometimes i wish i didn't have to cross the oceans (okay, straits is more like it) just to get home everyday and have to come back late because if i try coming back early i'll get molested, pushed and shoved along the way back as part of the daily exodus of people like me. i hate not being able to do what i want to do simply because i'm not back home yet and i hate not having a proper place to hide away and just vent to god every day. i hate it that they have pianos all over the place as furniture yet not a single one of them is available for use and the ones that are require means that i currently don't have right now (i'm not talking about money, i'm talking about method). so excuse me while i drown myself in crappy music on maximum volume and imagine about a hundred and one ways to kill myself because i am just so sick and tired of history repeating itself over and over and over and over and over again (actually just one comes to mind -- the one in the song). clash of times  i don't usually watch tennis, but i happened to check the tv schedule on 22 november and realised that piece of eye candy, roger federer aka. the swiss fedex was playing pete sampras aka. pistol pete in a friendly match 'live' at shah alam that night. i happily flipped to the correct channel at 9.30pm and watched it the whole one hour, haha. it was surprisingly entertaining and beat my expectations of how boring i thought it was going to be, watching a game of tennis. (heck, i love bowling yet i can't even stand to watch people compete in it on tv.) the crowd was practically rooting for pete, what with people shouting out his name and yelling "go, pete" or "come on, pete" every time he faltered. but then again, he was big news here in his heydays and rightly so, considering his as-yet-unbeaten record of 14 grand slam titles. he was also the more animated of the two, even gesturing to the court's baseline and where he believed the ball actually landed and then looking at the crowd as if to seek support from them when the umpire gave an out call. but of course i kept my eyes peeled for shots of fedex, hehe. he went on to narrowly win the match -- 7-6, 7-6 if i'm not mistaken. and he managed to pull off wearing a hairband without looking gay, haha. although he did remove it during the awards ceremony, naturally.
wordswordswords i just took a look at my only half-updated posts for events in november and only one word comes to mind: verbose! it's like i forgot the words were on paper and not from the voice box and just started babbling around like nobody's business when i was just supposed to summarise.and now the backlog is....here. dang. sea of women  out of my own initiative (read: not out of coercing), i decided to attend my first all-women's weekend-long retreat at the end of last month. two years ago, i wouldn't even have considered such a notion because the thought of being in a roomful of females for a few days would have been highly intimidating...so i can only say it is the ongoing work not of God in changing my heart that prompted me to attempt such a thing. however, that was to say i didn't go without slight trepidation.i actually had fleeting second thoughts when i went for the retreat's briefing a week ago because when i entered, it was as if i had just stepped into one of my mother's BSF conventions haha -- no offence against the organisation or middle-aged women. it was just that it was then that the reality of being herded up with these women and girls for the weekend started to sink in. a bit of background to this: in general when i think of women, i think of either of these two extremes -- of frenemies and superficiality or of nagging and schoolmarm strictness. so personally, the decision to board with the women was already a big step out of my comfort zone.  nonetheless, i was still set on going and the trip there was as exciting as i had anticipated, because it involved my first journey to batam and my second on a ferry -- the first was when i was a kid and it was only for twenty minutes to bring us across to this beautiful, quaint little tourist town called davenport so it was a different comparison altogether.the process of waiting together at the terminal, going through the checkpoint, waiting for the ride to start and exploring the different passenger compartments of the ferry was thrilling, to say the least.and when we finally arrived on the other side...oh joy! i felt like columbus touching ground on new, undiscovered land, haha. but when i got to sit on the passenger seat of the van that was transporting us to the hotel, it really felt like i was back home, passing by all these mosques and malay people and signs in a language similar to my country's. my roommate was kind of like a blind date, as i deliberately wanted it to be a random person so i could know new people, so i was pretty relieved and glad to know she was also from my country -- the first starting point for building common ground in an unfamiliar environment.  we discovered a gideon's bible in bahasa indonesia which we promptly searched through for famous verses -- the first she suggested was john 3:16. back home, even though a similar version of this language was widely-spoken, the average bible found amongst our community was obviously english as we were english-educated...so it was quite a treat poring through god's Word in a language different from one we usually read it in and being able to comprehend what was written.we also had a few laughs with these unintended puns:  and i was so stoked at the fact that i was walking around as a hundred thousand-aire (sorry, but being a millionaire for such a short trip wasn't worth it) for the first time in my life that i couldn't resist snapping shots of their money, haha. i also bought one of the daily papers, some snacks just to experience what it was like holding indonesian currency in my hands. i also got myself a prepaid SIM card...which, to my surprise, could not be activated until i had registered my name and address details (false ones of course) -- one of the hotel staff helped me out 'cos there were several steps. i was calling my mom and chatting with her excitedly about calling from an indo line and how the hotel was like, haha. the hotel was a basic four star in the suburbs...by basic i mean it was mostly a square four-storey building with no compound other than the centre area which had a pool and a gym. service was worth its rating though and i really loved the fact that this place had four lounge settings on each floor except the lobby -- all individually decorated. this was perfect for doing quiet time because they were just like open-concept living rooms that i could switch between if anyone was smoking or vacumming within the vicinity. the community group i was assigned to provided further opportunities for me to know new people -- and i thank god there was enough grace for each of us, with our different character traits and personalities, to be able to co-habit together peacefully for the next few days. i am also thankful for what seemed to be the clarion call throughout this whole retreat before each session started: don't judge. for had i not been reminded, it would've been highly likely that the stereotypes that i brought from home would have been accentuated to such a degree that it would have hindered my progress in genuinely enjoying the company of such girls.i was greatly encouraged that even during times that i was not with my group, strangers (to me but they were also participants) just came up to me to say "hi" and make small talk. this hasn't happened before in other camps i've been to where i don't know anybody, save for a handful. what was ironic though, was that i ended up having better conversations (read: continuous and inclusive, not dead and exclusive) with the people i had never met prior to the retreat than the few i already knew. but then again, those i already knew weren't exactly people i had known for a long time either.  spiritual-wise, the talks and sharing didn't lift me up on some spiritual plateau (which i kinda prefer 'cos a climax is usually followed by an anti-climax, which sucks for obvious reasons) but they didn't not impact me either. for instance, the final night's sermon was on forgiveness and ironic enough, i got tested on it immediately after the sermon when the call came for ministry staff to minister to those who were open to being prayed for with regards to forgiveness.it so happened that the lady who came to me was either new or too analytical because she seemed to be more interested in asking for exact, clear-cut details than in praying for me. by the time she started prayer, the session was over and everyone around me had heard every personal answer she had 'exto  rted' from me. not only that, after prayer she went into an extended digression about her own life and it got so long that it got so boring. needless to say, i got really frustrated on the inside and spent most of my quiet time that night trying to practise forgiveness unto this lady right after a message on forgiveness...haha. another staff member who happened to chat with me the breakfast after found out what i struggled with and her prayer enabled me to remove whatever remnants of unforgiveness i had towards the lady.two cool things happened during the camp that, from my perspective, let me know god was there (not that He wasn't, but it does encourage me when there is confirmation). the first was a total stranger on the final morning, praying by the Spirit's leading (meaning without being given prior information) the exact same word from the Lord that someone else had sensed about a year ago. the second, which also happened on the final day in the afternoon, was an unsigned envelope passed to me via my assistant community group leader who had received it from someone else, who had in turn received it from another person and so on. i didn't think much about it, guessing it contained an encouragement card just like the rest so i didn't remember it until my roommate and i were having dinner upon return, straight after disembarking the ferry. i opened it and out slipped the thing i greatly needed at that point and time but had not told anyone about, save my roommate and another girl (one i ruled out and confirmed with, the other vehemently denied it haha). "god loves you, [my name here]" was the only marking that came with it. for a few seconds i just sat there in the food court, swallowing down tears and feeling very touched by this anonymous good samaritan who had decided to obey god's prompting.  by the way i enjoyed the ride back much better than the ride in, because this time i got to sit with someone equally enthusiastic about bouncing across the choppy waves -- my roommate -- and we took the better spot: out on the deck instead of down in the cabin.altogether quite an experience, i must say. |
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